In between!

In between all the work…non-reachable deadlines…never ending training sessions…always popping up mailbox…the bright screen of laptop causing severe headache…uncountable cups of caffeine…talks that only consist of corporate jargons…a thought crosses your mind. Or maybe a conversation or even an incident that happened long back..someday…with that someone who is not a part of your life anymore. You know, just like that. Nothing to be specific off. Just anything. And you stop. Or rather freeze. And everything around comes to a halt. You are no more aware of what is happening around..what your boss is screaming for? A gulp of air passes through your throat. Eyes become moist for no good reason. You press them hard…your eyes…to let that moment go, take few deep breathes and exhale hard. One time. Two time. Thinking that would help…for that moment of weakness.

And the same thing happens over and over again. And everytime it happen, you tell yourself that it’s gonna be ok! Someday! Oneday!

Solitude and loneliness are very similar but entirely different things. One gives you bliss while other takes all the humane out of your soul.

You look around and feel you are amidst the crowd wherein nothing is yours. No one whom you could call and say ‘I am not ok!’…no one who would ask you how have you been or the reason for the ever growing dark circles around your eyes. You realize there is actually no one whom you could talk to. And hence, every evening…after coming back from work…you lay down like a corpse. Eating without bothering what shit your maid has cooked. Watching TV just for the sake of switching channels. Taking long walk every night, after day long work, just to tire yourself so that you could sleep at night.

It’s a strange thing you know. Like a string. You lose one person and with him go the whole chain of people you called your friends or people you were somewhere connected to. People with whom you laughed and cried. People who called you anytime and knows the reason of sadness behind your smile.

The world is moving in its speed. Everything around is moving on. But you stand still, not knowing which direction to go. This is what loneliness does to you! This is how a person who made you complete, make you alone!

Nothing-ness- Phase 2

I am losing it all. All my interest. Interest in things I loved doing once…or just few days back. I haven’t read anything since beginning of ‘Phase-2’. I haven’t written anything. I haven’t pondered over anything. I haven’t seen a complete episode of Grey’s anatomy..when I was watching 5-6 episodes in a day,back then.

I don’t know if it’s the transition…my busy schedule or the need of being ‘nothing’….But for now…I AM losing it all. I don’t feel this need to talk to anyone. I don’t feel this need to get engage myself in any sort of nexus with anyone. If you talk to me..I’ll talk too. But if you don’t…I just not even bother to know you exist or not.

I guess this happens with all of us..somewhere…down the line. When we just want to be ‘us’. Nothing more..nothing less. Everything around seems meaningless. Relationships are just another word. Coz maybe you’re done. Done with your share of holding on…of hope…of thinking that things will go fine someday….that it’s just a phase and this too shall pass. You’re done with your share of hurt…of pain and now all you need is silence..both inside and around.

There is so much new around me…so much that I need to explore yet so many things that remind me of the year bygone. Memories. But strangely….today…I feel like smiling at them. Not that they do not pain. They do…and at times I feel like there is nothing left in me. But at the end of the day…they all feel like a distant memory.

Yes, maybe I am done..or maybe it’s this transition of this new phase that isn’t allowing me to go back!

It's dark...n I am cold!

The truth is that it hurts. It fucking hurts. This reality. It pinches. Like a needle. Direct through your heart. What are we faking? What the hell are we escaping from? Insomnia? Swollen red eyes? The suffocation? The endless effort to breathe? Whom we are lying to? Your eyes which you avoid to look through in the mirror? The fake laughs when you even don't know what you're laughing for, coz your mind is fcking somewhere else? The nights you're scared to arrive? The endless T.V shows you watch just to divert your mind? What and whom you're running from? Crying your heart out all night and waking up next day as if nothing happened? Telling yourself thousand times a day that you're ok when everyone knows you're not? You're scared to talk to yourself. Coz you can't answer the questions your heart asks.

What are you searching for? An escape? Well, no escape exists! No ESCAPE EXISTS!

It's dark...m I am cold!

Acceptance!

Life actually is a collection of phases. We complete one phase and move to another. Phase of being a teenager where school life rules...crushes, colourful dresses, birthday parties and gifts…they dominate our lives for quite a time .

Then comes phase two of being an adolescence…a phase of life where everything is so exciting. College life….friends….flings…late night phone calls….hour long chats and messaging…and that immense charm on face. We fall in love…get our heart broken. Friends rule our lives for everything. Family matters but friends still top the chart. Life seems like a roller coaster. Everything looks different. We see ourselves developing, loving, failing, dreaming. We tend to think forever exists. We think that the uncountable friends we have made will stay with us forever. Love gets a new definition. Our life surrounds only by friends and dreams. We think everything will remain as it is. Nothing will change. Nothing.

And then enters the phase of reality check. Things start changing. Dreams start shattering. People, we thought as friends, some of them will leave…some will get out of contact…some will break your heart…some will move on leaving you behind. You’ll realize that forever is just an illusion. You find yourself in the middle of nowhere. You’ll fight. Fight with everything…to keep people you love….to keep your dreams alive…to keep a hope in heart. You’ll cry, shout…coz everything is changing so fast that you find it impossible to keep track or move with the same pace. It feels like a storm. You’ll lose a hell lot of things in this storm. You’ll realize you have to pay the cost for the dreams you saw…things you believed…people you loved. You’ll feel alone and everything around seems like a lie. You’ll lose love…you’ll lose faith…you’ll lose hope. You’ll start hating everything.

And then, finally, the storm will start settling itself. You’ll stop. Stop fighting...stop thinking...stop crying....stop searching....stop escaping and just ACCEPT. Accept the life and what comes in...accept that whatever happened was meant to be...accept that there is no good in fighting anymore. You will realize, that no matter what people promised, no matter what you planned, no matter what you hated , no matter how much you loved…it’s time to accept the truth. Accept that this is what life is all about…accept that love, hatred, happiness, pain…they all are a part of life. Accept that sometimes, it’s better to leave things as they are and stop trying. Accept that everything in this world comes with a life of its own. That no matter what…at the end it’s only you who have to carry your own broken pieces and move along. It’s time to understand yourself better. To be independent. To deal with your problems by your own. You have to forgive people for what wrong they did. Coz you cannot carry the burden of regrets anymore. You have to accept their hate for you but what all you could give back is a smile and good wishes. You have to accept that your life is your property…making it a liability or an asset is your choice.

Coz at the end…acceptance is the only truth. Acceptance is the only bliss. And acceptance is the only option left.

People I meet- III

Me: I wanted to end things in a good note. I don’t want to carry bad memories of something I cherished once.
He: Things never end in a good note. They end because they get worse. And if they are good…they’ll not end.

I read somewhere…Life is a journey…a journey where you meet people…about some you do not think again ever…about some…you wonder what happened to them. But there are some people who leave a mark in your life.

There are a handful of people in my life whom I really think worth of keeping around. I am not a kind of a person who just hangs around with anyone just for the sake of it. I believe in keeping very few but worthy people around. It’s all about the frequency.

I realized this from a person, that, in life..nothing is permanent. Only change is constant. There will be people who will hurt you and break you to the core…but you got to stand up with every broken piece of yours…and smile. Smile at the world that you are just fine. Because this is what life is all about.

I never thought I would ever be a friend with him. We both, being a super egoistic person…I never thought we’d be able to carry on our friendship. But we did.

You say to him you don’t need anyone and he’ll walk away only to watch you from a distant place. You ask him what pain is and he’ll say ‘nothing, but just a state of mind.’ You ask him does he hate anyone/anything? And he says ‘I can’t hate anyone’. Does he has any regret or complain with the past and he’ll smile and say ‘Past was too good to regret or complain’, despite being heartbroken.

You hate him for being what he is. You turn to be his enemy from being his once best friend, coz you just could not stand the idea of him never giving any clarification. Never defending himself. But that’s the way he is. Live with it, or leave him. He won’t complain.

Sometimes, you need someone who could make you face the harsh reality rather than ‘it’s- going-to-be ok’ talks. You need someone who could make you do the reality check. One who’ll break you only to make you immune to the pain. Someone who would never promise anything but surprise you with his actions.

We fight, throw tantrums, stop talking, making calls or even watsapping each other. But I learned from him. Despite being super secretive and being a person who hardly share or reveal the inside him, I got to know him in a way very few could. He would never miss any chance to pull my leg and fight with me for no good reason. But we end up talking without even discussing about the previous day.

I know this is not forever. Nothing is. I know there could be any day we could just get out of contact not knowing where each other are. I know most of the people differ in judging him. Yes, he is that kind of a person. He could make you hate him. Like really hate him. He could charm you with him talks and he could make you despise him with his ‘I don’t care’ attitude. But aren’t we all good for some people and bad for others?

It’s all about how you see the half filled-half empty glass. And how much a person could make an impact on you. And you know what…I don’t think about tomorrow. I don’t know what life has in store for me. Neither do I want to know who all will be with me tomorrow. I have made plans. And failed. Today, I am glad I have a few people around who are real…do not make you expect anything from them…but are there…whenever you call them.

Like I always say, it’s not the quantity…but the quality of people that matters.