Relationships and Me!

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I have always faced disappointment and hurt in relationships. From the time I was a kid till today…relations have done nothing good to me. Not once! I have always valued relations more than anything in my life..friends, mentors, love , special someone. I have done more than required to keep them alive..loved them with all my heart, compromised lot many times to make them happy. And at the end what all I get in return is humiliation, backstabbing and lies. I have always trust people and they have always proved me wrong. People, whom I considered the best in my life, defamed my belief on them. Not a single relation in my life..not a single friend in my entire tenure ..turned out to be honest and faithful.

And today, if someone asks me with whom I am close or who holds a special place in my life…I say,’ No one! ‘. Yes..it’s no one today on whom I can rely. I don’t have faith left in my heart. I am tired of these lies. I am tired of broken trust and relationships. I cannot carry the burden of false relationships anymore. This has been so devastating an experience that today I cannot trust my own shadow. I think thousand times before taking a decision. I have lost faith in myself. I doubt every decision of mine. I doubt my ability to do anything. I just don’t want to talk with anyone now. I don’t want to know anyone. I want to get lost somewhere. I need silence. I don’t want to listen to my own heart and mind.

I am done with my share of relationships. No new relations now..no new friends..no old friends either! For now..all I need is complete silence. I want to live alone for a while. Or may be from now on, I want no one. I am over with the dose of sick sympathy and fake smiles.

True, relationships and I are not meant for each other!


... This pic has nothing to do with the post!

...and this never ending craving!

Nothing Lasts Forever!

A lot happened in the last few days..things so unexpected that I never thought of even in my worst of dream..things so strange that I can’t even think of doing or facing ever in my life. But this is life..isn’t? Expect the unexpected..is what they say. True. Then why to even expect anything. But isn’t too much to ask for? To expect nothing. I was once a person always surrounded by people..not that I had to put any effort for that..but it was always like this. I never lived alone. I always had some person or the other to be by my side. Yes, that was a person I used to be. Always surrounded by people..a loud life…laughs…no worries..love..fun..everything. Yet, there was something that was missing. Something that always made me wondered what am I without these people…what will I do without them.

But, that thought was never permanent..it used to come and leave my mind the very next second. I was too adamant to accept the fact that things will change…one day…some day. Time passed and things changed…not for good but for worst. Those people who once were my lifeline started finding their own ways.. ways which never coincide with mine. One by one they left..leaving me standing helpless..clueless.

Now…I was left with very few people around…so few that their count ends before the start. But..I was fine with it. Atleast I had someone..someone with whom I can share my woes with..someone whom I can call anytime..and they would listen to me. But I always missed that time. I talked about it..I wrote about it..but It never helped.
And then there came a time when I lost those ‘few’ people of mine. I lost the years long nexus with them..they were the people I could have died for..and that was the last thing I wanted in my life to happen…to lose them..to lose my life.
With few..I still talk…seldom. But things have changed…times have changed…I have changed…and they will never be the same..never.

I am a different person today..not that I don’t care for them…their happiness still satiates my heart…their tears still makes my heart weep…I am always and always there for them..anytime they call me. But something inside me has changed…I am my own world now…I am my companion now..for I have understand the consequences of attachment…the after-effects of trust..the agony of being alone..all alone.

I see people of my age doing things ..going around..making efforts to look good. I don’t feel like doing any of those thing..this is just not me. I would love to read whole night than to party all night…I would love to sip my cappuccino in a café surrounded by strangers than to be with known-strangers.. I would love to wear my T’s than dripping sexy tops….I would prefer my slippers over stilettos. It scares me sometime…this weird choice of mine. I do not feel connected with this world around. I don’t feel love inside me anymore…neither for myself, nor for anyone else.

May be this is just a phase or maybe I have become this way. But as they say..Nothing lasts forver. This too shall pass.

Escape!

Since the last time we talked..I have been trying to get your thoughts out of my mind…to get your memories out from my heart. It’s stupid of me to still think of you…its stupid to still have a believe that you will come back one day..someday…Its stupid to feign happiness when I am dying inside..every minute..every second. Yes, there was a phase when I thought I am over with your memories..that I am not a slave of your thoughts anymore. No wonder, I was wrong.

After you left, a lot in my life changed. It’s getting worst from worse now. Everything..almost everything is going in the wrong direction. I am tired of pretending that everything is going to be alright..coz I know nothing is going to be. I am tired of getting things back on track. I am tired of remembering you ..of having your dreams each night. They make me sad…they make me restless..they make me sick..your dreams. In the last two months I tried not to cry..I tried so hard that I felt my heart crying but no tear dropped from my eyes. And today..I cried like a baby…whole day…whole night.

I am exhausted now…I have no stamina left to fight with myself anymore. I want you to help me now. I want you to show me the escape!

Love and its nuances!!!

Is it not a reason enough to be happy that you fall in love with someone? That you felt those butterflies flying inside your stomach? That how you got dumbstruck when your love stood in front of you? How your heart beats faster when you see him/her smiling? That feeling so innocent like a smile of an infant. A smile so pure like this moonlight. A Love so refreshing like the smell of first rain…so calm like these nights. Have you felt that innocent smile on your face while thinking about him? That madness to have your love by your side? Have you ever walked with your love holding hands together on an unknown path?
Love could be defined in tens of languages… by hundreds of writers in thousands of poems…but its feeling is same…its magic is same. Those twinkle in your eyes…that glow on your face…that satisfaction of your heart after listening his/her voice. You may argue about the other side but you can’t deny its magic..you can’t get yourself away from its tranquil feeling. Love can never be planned…its just a matter of click..it just happen..without your consent. That moment is magical…and you don’t even know you are falling in this ocean. It surprise you with its madness…it amazes you with its force. For a few it’s just a word…and for others it’s Life. Some define it with words and some just by a smile.
We seek love in different things… Ever seen a baby smiling? That’s love! Ever felt rain with closed eyes? That’s Love! Ever laughed with tears? That’s Love! Ever felt happy with no certain reason? That’s Love! Some feel it in flowing rivers…some in still mountains. Some find it inside them…some say it’s all around. Few moments of love makes you smile…while few makes you cry…but the feeling is always beautiful….it is Magical!
Happy Valentine’s Day :-)

Him or You? You or Him?

In all these years I never gave attention to any guy…coz I had you…and when you left, I had your memories. Whenever I tried to take my mind off from you and look at someone else…I failed…coz I started drawing comparisions…comparisions on how you would have reacted, how you would have looked at me, how you would have smiled…and then every time its like getting back to square one.

And few days back…I met this guy…and he resembles you…the way he smiles..his expressions while he talk…the way his eyes move…I can’t take my eyes off from him…You may feel this is crazy but trust me this is more of strange than crazy…and more frustrating than satiating. Strange because in all these years I never got this urge to see anyone….and frustrating because I don’t want him to notice that. I don’t want him to know how obsessed I am. I avoid talking to him..I avoid making any eye contact..but its getting tougher with each passing day. I feel your being merging with him. I see him just to have a glimpse of you…I want him to smile just to feel you smiling. Yes, I seek you in him.

Isn't strange??

She .... a passing thought!

She is not beautiful…just an average looking girl with about medium height and wheatish complexion. She never talks with anyone..alone she sit in the class and alone she lives. People talk about her…they say she has seen the harsh realities of life. I don’t know what realities they talk about. They say she was married but her husband died in the road accident. She lives with her grandfather now…in this small town. She belongs from some other city…some big city they say..I don’t know the name. No one has ever heard her voice…never. I never saw her smiling…not even a bit. Her eyes are always swollen…like she cried whole night and attend college next morning. People call it a weird look…but don’t know why I like her eyes…red, swollen. It’s not pain that she hides in them…it is something else…some secret..some secret she don’t want to disclose…not even to herself..some wound that has not healed in years…some dreams that were not fulfilled. I find it fascinating..to read her. People say that I am just wasting my time thinking so much about her...but I never got so much obsessed with any stranger ever. She always keep a diary with her…a diary..perhaps that’s her best friend. That day I saw her writing pages after pages in that diary. Is she a writer? I don’t know. I searched for her in every social networking site…no wonder, I found nothing.

And that day something strange happened, She was sitting opposite to me in the library and I found her looking at me…a bizarre look. I smiled at her…she said nothing…no expression…but her eyes…what were in those eyes? I felt she was trying to say something to me…with that look. What? I don’t know.

Who is she? Is she me… some years from now? Why I found myself so alone in my thoughts?


P.S. This was a strange passing thought!