Making memories!

“Day by day nothing changes…but when we look back..everything is different” said my friend once. And today I realize how true it is! The days I live…I don’t see anything different, any changes around. But when I look back..I realize how things have gone upside down. I have come such a long long way . Today when I look back I see people I met and lost..people who were just a stranger once and now have become an inseparable part of my life.…and how people once so close are just a known stranger. How my perception on relationships has changed completely…how the word acquaintance separated from friendship.

And when today I read my old posts…I got sure of one thing…things certainly has changed…not only around me..but within me too. I won’t say I have started thinking about life or the coming future more seriously…but certainly I have come to know lot many things about people and this world around. I don’t know whether these changes come for good in our life or not ..but they really change the way you live your life.




I don’t know why I am looking back at this time. Maybe because soon there will be no looking back. I save memories here by writing these words. People can leave you..things could be lost…your memory can become weak …but words…they remain with you…all your life.

One of those strange feeling when you know everything is going right..still something is missing! A weird haste...suffocation...not being able to feel happy for the good things around. Feeling of restlessness for no certain reason...or is it that the heart knows the real reason? Feels like closing my eyes and feel tranquility for a moment.

Moments!

Isn’t it amazing how every single day…every passing moment is so different from the previous one…and one moment gone would never come back again. That smile on your face, glimpse of that special someone..that one word which stopped your heart for a second…that touch …feel of first kiss…the person you met while travelling…that kid who smiled at you while you coming back from work…those uncontrollable laughs with your best pal…these small moments would never ever come back to you.

Life is a sum of all those little happy-sad moments. We tend to love some of them and hate the rest…but we can’t avoid them….these are our lives…these small moments of love, laugh, tears. I have met people who say they live like king size and some says they like life simple…one moment at a time. For some life is about parties, loud music, discotheques ….some live their life in a 9-5 job….some say that they live a combination of both…while for some life is all about to bring a smile on someone’s face…but aren’t we all living moments and not a life in whole? Aren’t we all same somewhere? And how our life is, depends upon the moments we lived.

Yeah….I am trying to live in moments and not in life. Life sounds too gloomy and heavy….moments brings bliss and a smile on my face.
And here I am ..standing on the edge of life…about to open a new chapter…trying to change the way I take life…turning life into moments…with a song on my lips:
“Aankhoin me jiske, koi to khwaab hai
Khush hai wahi jo, thoa betaab hai
Zindagi me koi aarzu kijiye, Phir dekhiye”

Untitled?? It doesn't need a title!

And yesterday one of my friend asked why I don’t write anything these days…and I realized it’s been quite a while since I wrote anything. I thought and realized I am loosing this zeal to make memories and save things for future. The reason for me writing this blog is not only to satiate my lust to write but also to make memories…with the things I cried for..things that made me laugh, people I met, those heartbreaks, my anger ..love..my tears. But today, when I could write so much…when so so much is happening in my life I ..in a strange way…am not feeling this need to write or to vent things out.

Few things with which I feel connected…books, music…I pass my days without reading a single page or listening a single song. The book I started some five days back….is still lying on my table with a bookmark on page number 123….and it’s been four days since its been there…on page number 123. And I am suffering from a new disease of forgetting things. I message people and later realize that I have sent a wrong message to the right person. I forget for what purpose I have turned on my laptop. I forget with whom I have to talk about what topic.

There was a time when I used to say that new place would change everything in my life…that it would erase all the bad memories and I would make new memories for myself…and now..when the time has come for me to go to that new place…I feel nothing is going to change. I have always been a victim of mood swings and now when everything is almost finalized…I don’t want to leave this place and move into a new city. This is so irritating…this behavior of mine. I get bore with everything...with messages, chats, phone calls, songs, places, TV channels and now even with these social networking sites. I hung the call in between while talking with someone coz suddenly I start feeling bored of it. I sign out from chat while chatting with all my close friends.

In all these months I never felt this urge to talk with someone….and today a moment came when I felt terribly upset for no certain reason and I wanted to talk with someone…just normal talk… nothing specific….and just when my best friend called I was totally lost and could not utter a single word to him. With him I don’t have to think before speaking…and I was blank and could not say a word.

I don’t know if this is mere stress or I am turning to be of this kind. It the latter becomes true…I am going to hate myself more ….I , anyways, never loved myself!


.

Another night...Mundane thoughts!

Why do things keep coming back? Can we really lose someone when we don't own anyone! Aren't we responsible for our deeds? Can we blame someone for the things happened with us? I don’t know the answer….how can I? When both my heart and mind utter two different words….’Yes’ and ‘No’. My mind says I am responsible for whatever and wherever I am today. Things I lost and people I miss today…it’s because of my actions and my deeds. But my heart says No…I never wanted to be apart from the people I loved and still love. No matter how much I feign to do not care or ‘it-doesn’t matter’ attitude…I cry and die each day. The only difference is, today, I have become too used with the situation that it feels like a habit to cut myself and then see my own blood drops satiating my soul. I have convinced myself to lot an extent that this is what life has planned for me…that those someone’s were not meant to be a part of my life…that I wish them happiness wherever they are! But still a small portion of my heart denies this statement…still it shouts and says that they are mine….still mine. Sometimes I curse myself and sometimes them for bringing me into a situation where my heart is filled with pain, love, hatred and joy at the same time. It’s like feeling the heat of sun and mildness of moon at the same time.

This smile with drop of tears is really frustrating!

A Change...for a Change ;-)

I wonder how my life would be if I had taken some other decisions for my life? The people I met here..things I learned..would it all be different? This feeling of love , care, affection..would it all be for someone else? Would my life be better or worse?

Many times we think of going back and change few decisions of our life..like few friends..career choice..Choosing the right college…loving someone else. But what thing make us sure that those decisions which we could have taken would prove to be right? They could have been even more disastrous!

The very idea of not having my dearest pal with me or to have someone else at his place, makes me goes nuts sometimes. Things I learned in this life till date..no matter how brutally life has treated me…it has given me some beautiful moments to cherish all my life. For people..as they say..nothing lasts..and hence no one can stay with you all life. But, what linger on are the memories you spent with them. ..both good and bad. We need them both… good and bad memories. It’s not bad to cry. Tears sometimes satiate the soul and make it feel alive. You hate some moments of your life…love some immensely…but now when you think about them…don’t you think life would have been incomplete without them!

I know I am not talking complete sense here but is it necessary to talk sense everytime? Is it always necessary to think how and in what way our life is going? I have stop thinking about it…for how long I would be able… I have no idea…but these days I am just not thinking about anything. And I don’t have to put any effort for that. ..this is the way things are working for me on their own. I don’t know if I call it numbness but yes I have recovered the trauma of past to an extent that today I almost don’t feel anything about it. I am fine with it! Not sad atleast! This change is good for a change!

She- A woman!

She is just a girl…a girl in her youth…an age when all a person want is to love and be loved. And what is she doing? Crying. Why? She had a fight…a fight with the people she loves the most. A fight she is fighting for them. When will they understand that she too has a heart. She too gets hurt. She is just not a machine to fulfill all their necessities but a human being. Is it her mistake if she can’t express her love and care she has for them? Is it her fault if she not complains for things she don’t has! Why does she always have to fight for the things which are not hers’? For the things she wants to do for them.

Look at her for once. Behind those cold eyes are the dreams she once saw. Dreams to fly…to love and be loved..to be with her dream man. She believed in fairy tales…in Cinderella…in the existence of mermaids. They say dreams never come true. That life is cruel. That it snatches things away. What things, they never tell. What cruelty, they never mention.

But today…today is a reality and not mere fantasy or dream. Today she knows what cruelty they talked about…what things they never mentioned. She doesn’t want to fight anymore. Not for them…not even for herself. She just wants to go someplace far from here…to fulfill all her dreams….to live the way she wanted…to lose herself in some unknown place. For once she wants to cross all forbidden boundaries. She knows the secret of her body. The beauty she hides from the world. Her Love. Her Madness. Her hope. She wants to break all the shackles and fly free…with no boundaries, no one to answer her deeds. For once she wants to forget all she knows and wants to know the unknown. For once she wants to be a woman she always wanted to.




And for once she wants to sing out loud:

There’s no time to lose
I heard her say
Cash your dreams
Before they slip away
Dying all the time
Lose your dreams and you
Will lose your mind




.