Keeping mum....for you!

When he left…for worse or for better I don’t know…but when he did…I thought there will be no one ever in my life who’ll effect my being with such a strong intensity….who’ll change me brick by brick…wall by wall and make me a person so closed with everybody…coz with time this one stranger became my reason for existence….my reason to feel happy…my reason of being sad. I never realized with time what am I becoming as a person…what weakness I am developing beneath the strong persona that I carry. But it is said that distances makes you realize things you never thought exist. We were ‘WE’ then….no ‘I’ and no ‘You’….u know…’We’ we were. We had each other in each other’s life….just each other. Things were good. Things changed with time…today when I look at ‘We’… I find ‘Me’ and ‘Him’. To the changes…..I still have him….he has ‘too many me’s’…u know….too many for me to handle. I fought…I cried….I spend hell of sleepless nights…for asking for ‘We’…for making ‘I’ and ‘You’ become ‘We’ again…but you never realize how and when things change so abruptly!

I still hold a place I know…but the security has lost…of togetherness….of trust! And with time I realized it’s of no use fighting for it. So I decided….to keep mum! I have decided not to utter a single word now. I may destroy myself in the suffocation…I may weep all night coz I want to talk about so many things…coz I want to listen that voice again each night like before…but I would never ever say this…never ever express what am I missing…and what person I will become in this process of self destruction!

Yes, I made a mistake. I started feeling something I shouldn’t have….but I am not the only culprit here. The only difference is my feelings don’t change overnight….or it does not depend on the entry or exit of any third person between us. Coz I know my priorities and it does not change with time. The person, who was special for me, still is! I don’t treat people like trash and I know who deserves what. I would not value him less if ever my past comes back to me. Not even an ounch. But guess I need some reality checks now…I need to understand that this world is place where people are with you only when they need you…once the need is over and your substitute is available….you’ll be no more than just a name in the phonebook. You become just an obligation to fulfill.<> And hence, I have decided…to not express…to not share…to keep mum! And exit with silence….slowly….steadily. Coz this is the best thing to do..leaving for good….leaving for you!

Funny it is! The life I live...the breathe I take....the smile I wear....the tears that flow... Funny it is...the life it is!!!

TIME!

There is this phase in your life when all you could see around is a complete silence. Where you see that even the most important thing of your life is lying in front of your eyes and you could do nothing but to look at it and realize that its time in your life is complete. Where you are entitled as just ‘an option’ when you were labeled as priority once. You realize that promises, faith, trust, forever are just other words to complete sentences and mean nothing. When you look at yourself in the mirror, you laugh at the one standing in front of you coz s/he has made such a fool of himself/herself all these years. There comes a time when you realize that sometimes distances are actually beautiful and closeness would show the ugly picture behind the beauty. A time when you actually feel what ‘numbness’ means and how things change within fraction of seconds. Surprised? Shocked? No, you feel nothing but a strange silence and even tears fail to flow this time. You realize that you have reached a stage where life seems to make no meaning. When the efforts you put on to make something happen just proved to be worthless coz someone else is enjoying its luxury. The garden you sowed with so much of love and trust, the fragrance of the grown flowers is enjoyed by someone else. Strange it is….this world! Sometimes it makes you complete in loneliness and sometimes loneliness eats you up in the crowd of known strangers!

The same ME and the same YOU!

Can't believe it's US. The same me.The same you. So much has changed. Almost everything.Will things be same? Ever? The same me and same you? Will you hold on again? Ever? This night is void. You know. Like my thoughts. Like my life. Like me.
Will you come back? The old you? Or have you moved too far? Can you see that hole?The one with nothing inside. Look closer. Can you see anything? Yes...That's you and only you there. That hole? That's a hole in my heart!

Coz I have always been a mediocre!

I have always been a mediocre. Average looks, average in studies, average in other activities, average in relations (no..actually I suck in relations). I never did anything that could make me feel proud. I lived a life like millions of people living …actually surviving on this planet. Nothing extraordinary. Nothing different. Nothing which could separate me from the crowd. My parents think I am pretty good in studies, mature and responsible. My friends think I have the potential to do tough things. My colleague thought I am strong and determined. My mentor thought I am made for something bigger. But isn’t what almost all parents, friends, mentor think about their children, friend and students respectively? So, where am I making a difference? Living like a nobody. Will die like a nobody. Not a great daughter, not a loving friend, not a darling best friend, not a caring sister, not an apple of anybody’s eye, not a prolific writer, not a passionate reader, no great ambitions, no great life.

When I look back at these 24 years, I could only see broken relations, tears, my pathetic expectation from people I loved and cared for, expectation to get a place in their life…to be ‘someone’ from a ‘no one’ in their heart, to love and be loved, to be their for them anytime and everytime they needed me and want them to be my side during my lows. To cross any boundary for them coz I loved them, to make my parents understand that I am not a cold-blooded person…I too love them…I too care for them. To make my friends understand that the most important thing I expect from them is truth and honesty. To make my best friend understand that no one is more important to me in this world than him…to make him understand that its a best of friend expecting her best friend to be by her side always….to make my brother understand that I am not as bad as I seem to be, it’s just that I am concerned. I don’t want him to make the same mistakes that I made once.

But I am a mediocre; I can’t even express all this. Such a pathetic loser I am. And I guess it’s over now…the time…to make everyone realize that I exist. Coz no one cares…coz no one cares for a mediocre. Even my cry is like a noise to them now. I guess it’s time to stop trying and make a silent exit from their lives. No more ‘please-try-to-understand’ drama coz no one will. Ever.

P.S: I am not bad. I am just a mediocre. Guess being a mediocre is bad.

It's not worth the pain!

Oh I so wanna write today
But words have ditched
Tired of feign the smile
Tired of making up life
Don’t want sunshine but why not a clear sky?
Don’t want laugh but why not a true smile?
Everything is right yet so wrong around
Don’t want to apologize for sin I never carried on
Holding on or make it free was never a choice
Strucked up coz few things still mean
Moving on is never a tough choice to make
But leaving things behind was never a choice I made
If God exist then please let this phase pass fast
It’s not easy to fight with the one in the glass
Oh dear heart you’re sick and week
This world is still a mystery
Find your way and start walking alone
Coz this is a world where relations are never known
Don’t be surprised to see people walk away
This is life and its gotta be this way
There was a reason for people to be in your life
Now the job is done and the reason is gone
Feel free and stop caring
Coz this world is so full of lies and hypocrites
Make yourself free from the painful attachments
Coz it’s not worth the pain

Writing for Myself :)

I don’t remember when was the last time I felt like this….so free…so within myself. I am not sober today. But that’s not the reason. I got a puppy today for which I have been waiting for so long. That too is not a reason. I finally met and talked with my best friend regarding the tensions going between us. That too couldn’t be the reason. But you know what….Who damn wants to know the reason?? Who wants to indulge in logics and PnC’s ? Not me for sure! After so long I am feeling a strange satisfaction….and I do not want to hold it…I just want to live it…even for once…I just want to live it and breathe it with all my lungs and heart pumping with the best of its capacity. Happy? Excited? Ehhhh….Who cares? As long as I have this feeling!
This phase is tough that I am going through….and moments like today gives you immense power to build up self-confidence and make you realize that yes…things will get fine…that there’s always dawn after night…that every problem comes with a solution….that you’re not the only one dealing with problems like these.
I know I am sounding too optimist and full of life today….and you MAY read a post full of pain and same pessimism within two days….but why lose today? Why not share moments like today when you’re so full of yourself? Isn’t? Ehhh….I guess I should get back to my errands and live this moment….and yeah…hope things like this continue for sometime till I get back to life