And this is the reason I have always abhorred this guest…this is the reason why I always avoided this uninvited thing who has always crossed the boundary without even seeking permission and making all those big alterations in my life I never welcomed. It’s catastrophic. These changes. But I had things and people to lose then. And today…I am not afraid but only nervous of the tomorrow. Maybe coz I don’t have anything to lose now. Maybe because I already have lost the things I was most afraid to lose. Maybe that’s why this time….I am not running, but smiling at this guest standing right in front of me. Or rather laughing.
What a tragic thing life is. You feel scared when you have everything. And you laugh back at life when you have nothing. Loss does that effect on you. You tend to accept things you hated once. You tend to look back and think…’Gosh! That was huge.’ Things you went through. But it has the other side too. It left a hole…a void deep inside your soul. You not only lose fear…but along with it…you lose faith, trust, love and most important thing…belief… in yourself…that you’ll ever be able to get along with life. You just get tired of watching people moving on in their lives, who, not only broke your heart and trust but promised you to be by side no matter what. Promised that their life would be nothing without you. You laughed at your own stupidity and close your eyes. Of the things around. Of the people who hurt you. Of the surroundings that could affect you more.
And here it is again…the change…of not being the people you love…of not being the one you are…of secluding yourself from everyone…maybe from your own self too…and waiting for the next big leap in life…thinking that it will wash away all the pain of yesterday…of trying to bury the past and never bring in notice to the new world you are about to enter. But deep inside…this is who you are…nothing but a puppet who would dance in the tune of future but is made from the ashes of past. Of talking to new people but expecting you could see that one face from your past again…someday…just walking down the road. Laughing at the jokes of new world whereas deep inside still smiling on the memories of yesterday!
And here I am again…standing at the edge of a new start….bringing in a new change..this time…with no reluctance but with no enthusiasm too!