Saturday, April 13, 2013

I am a believer....I seek for reasons!

I am a believer. Believer of things….of circumstances…of whatever happens in life…with life. I do get off the track sometimes…but at the end…I make myself believe that whatever happens…happen for a reason. The reason may not be known to me now. Or maybe I know. Maybe.

But I am an ardent believer. And whenever I question the reason…I know I am only going to hurt myself. Not that I do not do things to hurt myself. But this one is disastrous. You know. I try to find reason in whatever happened. With me. With us. Most of the times I try and find a good reason. Like, ‘nothing stays in life forever’. Or, ‘that everything has a life of its own. And the expiry date will arrive someday’. And maybe this is the time…to let things set free. But sometimes, my mind gets bombarded with bad reasons too. Like, what if I had not taken a certain decision? Or, not have met a particular person. Or have said no at a certain event. You know! Things like that. And it is this time when I lose control and do things which I regret later.

But, let’s say, what if? What if I had ask the same question to someone else on 7th September 2007 and not you? What if we had never crossed our ways and met each other? What if I never entered that morning batch to train? What if I would have changed my mind and never sent you that video? Or never let you interact with anyone I knew? Or had not called you in that city? Would life be different then?

It’s absurd I know…to talk about ‘What if’s?’ It has no meaning…no logic. I know. But you never know, you know! But maybe this had to happen. And maybe it’s the best. For you. For both of you. I see pictures of you both….together…like really together….like we were once. I feel suffocated at first. The agony burns me. I feel- How could you? How could you be so happy and worry nothing without me? I ask myself, do you ever think of me amidst all this time? I never say ‘miss’. Coz I know you don’t…but just ‘think’? When you go to places with her…doing every possible thing you did for me once? Not caring about the world…not caring about me…not even thinking once how I would feel.

And then I get my reason. That, this is why it has to happen. So that you both could get together. And you know what? I care less and less with each passing day…watching you both together…hand in hand…talking every minute…sharing all things…careless…all over to each other…not thinking about anything…anyone. And I do not feel this need to be loved…or to love again. I miss that. Certainly. But I do not want it back. Coz this is what I have always been. Independent.

You spoiled me. In a certain way. I was dependent on you. To be happy. To feel sad. To cry. To laugh. And today, I do not find this need to be with someone. And maybe this is also a reason. You both are like this. You need people to be with. Always. You both always want someone to talk to. And that’s why you both are together.

I am waiting for a closure. When, by looking at you, I would feel nothing. And I know the day will come someday. Coz every step you take there…one step I take here. One step of yours towards her…two steps you are farther from me. But it’s ok! This all was meant to happen. Everything.

Coz everything….EVERYTHING…happens for a reason!

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