A Phase so strange...

There is a lot of anger and rage inside me...I can feel it...every second of each passing day. I dont know the reason behind it..but the impact could easily be felt on the people around me...family, friends, acquaintances, teachers, colleagues...everyone. It kind of feel awkward when I face them after my stupid behavior...I shout without reason...I cry on silly things...I dont feel like talking to anyone...I hate when anyone expects anything from me... I hate when people gives me any sort of admiration..I almost lose my temper when any person of opposite sex tries to flirt or cross that boundary which I have drawn around me. I have blocked almost everyone on my gmail...even people close to me....my mobile keeps on ringing till its battery exhausts completely. This is a very strange phase...and I feel suffocated...I want to talk....talk a lot and vent everything out...I feel a big burden on my heart every time...It takes fraction of seconds for my tears to flow out from my eyes...neither can I study...nor can I concentrate on any other thing...I feel restless all the time...all the time. Its been months since I had a sound sleep...I could feel my senses on whole night...every night. The more close I want to get with people, the more void I am creating around myself..there is something which stops me ...which stops me to laugh, to feel, to enjoy...I neither live in present, nor in past...future is a thing I cannot think of now.
But one thing which I have realized is that this is not due to any one reason but ample of reasons working together....personal life, professional life, family, surroundings...lots of failures contributing to my state. I feel like I am screaming in a place where no one listens to me...its so noisy that even my heart and mind fails to cooperate. And then I shout more...more louder...and a point comes where my voice chokes and I fall down.. weak, tired. People around me feel that I have changed...that I am intentionally doing all this...creating differences. And I dont try and give any clarification to anyone..not even to my parents...coz I know..they will never understand the phase I am going through. I dont feel any beauty around...Its just anger...a single feeling of anger my poor heart feels all the time..with no reason known. I spend hours sitting in front of my laptop doing nothing...I feel exhausted all the time...all I want to do is cry...and cry all the time.

(I want to go to a place unknown to me..I want to meet people I have never met before...people who dont know who I am...why have I come there...no questions...just silence. I want my soul and mind to rest for sometime...It has over flown with thoughts..thoughts..and thoughts.)

With you...for you!!!

I waited for your call yesterday...and at 5 pm I lost the hope to get any message from you about your arrival...There was something wrong going between us from the last few days...though I know things already are messed up but I was sure you cannot go from here without meeting me. But ,you know,there is a rebel inside my body which was continuously saying some is going wrong...and till the evening I was convinced by my brain that this time the story is different... that this tome you don’t want to meet...that I lost a little place which I had in your life.
But, 12:30 am...getting you call gave me a sigh of relief...even your "normal" talks was not disturbing me this time...for this gave me a sense that still there is something between us..not friendship..not love...but something which could not be given any name.
I did not sleep whole night...the thought of meeting you...having you with me even for few hours was making me anxious and excited at the same time. Don’t know when the time passed..yes..whole night passed without a drop of sleep in my eyes.
And within few hours..you were there..sitting in front of me..smilling...making all those cute faces...Did I ever told you I love the way you express your thoughts with your eyes? The way with each passing sentence, the expressions of your eyes changes? I could not believe my eyes we were sitting together...after more than a year...that was a moment so beautiful...and let me tell you...you have not changed a bit...you still do all those stupid things which makes me fall in love with you all over again...you still talk like a Man...a Man I wanted to be mine...you still tease me the way you used to....the way you flirt in between all those serious talks...your mere touch still evokes that desire to be in your arms...
I tried a lot to avoid any eye contact with you and concentrate on my cappuccino..but how can I avoid your voice? How can I avoid your smell which still drives me crazy? I love the way you still dominates me with an authority..that makes me feel special...even if I am not.
But why did you said that you met her before coming here? Why 24hrs for her and 3 for me? That disturbed me...a lot. I could not say this thing to you...but that made me feel bad...I don’t know why! Though at this point of time I don’t have any right to question any of your deed...but you should not have told me this. I would rather like to be ignorant and happy than to be aware and hurt. You know I never liked your closeness with her...neither when we were together nor today.
But then, the day was beautiful with you...for neither we discussed anything about future...nor complained anything about past..we lived the moment of present.
Things could never be sorted out between us...I know...but these few moments once in a year makes me feel alive for few hours.

This tryst is making me scared..I dont want this day to come.I dont know why but this time It feels like it is going to be our last meeting which I certainly dont want. we will be meeting after more than a year..but for the first time I am feeling anxious instead of being exicted...I even dont know you want to meet me or not. The day you said you are coming..expectations started building up..i thought I still am special for you...but then...you always clear my doubts when I dont want to...you always show me the real picture when I actually want to live in my dreamland...and hence you proved that I am just like any other person whom you will be meeting this time...your friends, acquaintances, colleagues...everyone...
I have been trying to control my feelings and not to cry for you...and I still am tyring. I have been trying to change myself..but you are my weakness...your avoidance still kills me....I feel scared to get in touch with you, to talk with you...not because that again will lead me to the place you left me...I am still there..standing..waiting for you to come back. The thing which scares me is the way you behave...how can you act so normal? How can you talk to me in a way you talk with everyone else...we share a different relation..a different intensity..we were together once...how can you act like this?
We have no future..but still..I wait for you...for my heart says, things will get fine one day...you will come back one day...but this wait...it kills...it kills me each and every second I live. Live? Dont know whether I should use this word or not..because things really has changed after you left..I am not my usual one...a strange silence I feel all the time inside my soul..an awkwardness retains . I try to act nornal..I really do...but my heart...it fails me...every time I try to smile..try to feel happy....It feels like lyf has become numb,I have become numb...they say I dont give chance to any other person to fill those gaps...but they dont understand that this place is yours...and no one can ever take this place in my life...

To Geet- the rhythm of Love!!!

Wish you a very happy bday sweety..You know I have been trying to write this for so long...but then ,may be few things need some special occasions to wait for.
This post and each and every word here is for you. It may sound stereotype but yes I still remember the day we first met...and you know what impression you made on the very first day..I never thought we would make such a good friends. We two are quite different as far as our behaviours are concerned...you..extremely outspoken, loquacious. You used to talk with everyone...and god..non stop.I, on the other hand, was quite reserved. But I always liked the way you bring smile on a dull face. I always liked you but at the same time had a perception that somewhere you lack some level of maturity..but this notion of mine changed entirely when we shared few thoughts and things about our personal lives. I could not believe my eyes then, that its the same girl standing in front of me whom I once thought is too different to even meet some level of my frequency. Time passed by and we shared a lot of things about our lives, our likes, our view and perceptions on various subjects..about life, love, friends, family...
And I realized...we are somewhere together..in our views, in our notions towards relations, love, friends, life etceteras and etceteras. And then there came a time, when I was in a need of a friend..someone who just can listen to me..without questioning anything...without any comment...and there were you...standing by my side...giving a patient hearing to all my woes..and then finally bringing a smile on my face with all your peppy talks. We never used to talk everyday..but the level of comfort i share with you..the ease with which I can share anything and everything is just far apart from everything. I cherish each and every moment we spent together...the long talks...the endless discussions...the way you always boasted me up during my downs...the way you understand my heart...your hugs...everything.
You know you are one of the very few person I can talk anytime with and about anything. This is just to say that you are very special..a true person who value relations and knows how to keep them. Your take on relations and the level of maturity I have seen in you...the way you maintain everything..your career, relations, friendship...is commendable. I learned a lot from you..and still trying to.You are one of the most beautiful and strong person I have met. Just want to say always maintain this attitude of yours…coz you are different…don’t ever lose that quality.

With Lots and lots of love.

A Part of ME!!!

*There are these deep thoughts running through my mind...still I am blank.A sort of fear, pain , pleasure I am feeling....yes, all at the same time.Reason is something I never get an answer for.

*I love nights...the darkness hide many mysteries beneath its shadow..conceal wildest of desires, the insanity of love.

* People suffocates me, I like being alone..with my thoughts and some old memories.Crowd makes my heart feel uneasy. I Sometime feel like an alien , as I feel so awkward at times coz I cannot feign like them ..laughing, shouting, talking without reason.

*I love crying out loud..with my eyes getting red and swelled. It gives a sense of satisfaction, of being alive. It makes me feel the fervor of being in love..to feel the pain.

*I kind of remain normal during day but as the night comes closer, I feel as if I am an entirely different person..the feelings, the thoughts, the desires...they all changes...completely. I feel scared sometime for my own thoughts.I cannot talk with everyone during this time. I ponder my mind on numerous bizarre issues.And as the day falls in...the thoughts vanishes..as if they were never mine.

* People find it difficult to understand me and my thoughts and I find it really hard to match my frequency with them. In all these years I have not found a single person who understand the REAL ME. One deduce one part of my being while other others'. It haunts me..this thought..to never find a person who can understand the complete me.

*Relationships are my big time enemy..or better say I am theirs'. They never stay with me for long. Whenever I try to befriend with them..they ditch me..in the middle of ocean. And so, I detest them now..but then..even hate has some part of love in it.

*I love to be a scorpion, a true one.And I like being with TRUE Scorpions too.I like the mystries they keep with themselves, the aura they have around them, the dominating power, their eyes..so full of mystries. But I also envy few..for being more powerful in thoughts, for being more enigmatic and more dominating.






Thoughts are endless tonight..perhaps I should stop here. Few things in life should remain undisclosed...

Deleted few things today.Few memories, few conversations and few messages.They were close...very close but were junked.Could have deleted them all...but want to keep them...because this is what I want..to keep few memories till the last breath of my life. Difference is..this time I will decide the essentials for my being and memories. Self realization is a things which changes the way you look at things. Living without the "basics" of life is not that a tough task...no mobile, no chats, no long talks, no social networking for sometime.The purpose in not to become a hermit but to realize your dependencies...to find your limits of living without them.
This time I am not alone..but seclude from the world around.This time I asked memories to be with me for sometime now. Memories of beautiful past...of being in love..of loving someone with craze ans passion. Yes, Being in love is a beautiful feeling..and I think it should not depend on the presence of that person with you...coz its not the physical presence that matter but the madness of his/her memories, the feeling of loving him with your soul, the purity of your relation...no matter if its nameless. I am happy today with the fact that I loved someone with all my heart and I still do...to a limit that even his absence does not effect the way I feel for him. Infact in all these years, my intensity of loving him has only increased.
I still am unaware of my desires, what I want...but for the time being...things are going fine.

A sojourn to oblivion...

After spending the last two days with myself and thinking in what direction my life is rolling, I decided to give a second chance to life and live in a way my heart wants to. Last few years have really been tough and has changed a lot of things inside me. The way I treat life,things and people around me. How I define Love and hatred, how I feel about the little beautiful things around. I realized that I am getting obsessed..with people, with things, with any and everything around. My expectations with people are dying but at the same time are getting hell lot of strong with few people...and this thing hurts...the "Extremes" of anything. I realized that I either HATE something lyk hell or love it like insane...I cant remain neutral with things.The GIRL I was and a person I am today...are completely opposite..undoubtedly I love to be the former. But few scars just cant be healed and so I cant be the same sweet girl I used to be...but yes an effort could be made to atleast get a fraction of it. My life has been rushing with a speed of a light year...things has been changing drastically within a fraction of second... missed a lot of things and happy moments in this journey...but now I want life to be slow...for sometime atleast. I want to see the world around me...world unknown to me..unexplored, pristine and want to re-live few moments.
And henceforth...I am taking some time off from this life..not because I dont like this one..its just that I want to know the "Me" in me...I want to know why things are getting worst from worse in my life...why I am losing everything...relations, freinds, confidence...everything. I dont know what will happen tomorrow...and now I dont care. I dont care If I get into a good college or not, if I get my dream job or not..I am ready to work even for few pennies if that satiate my soul. I have always been so anxious about things in my life, my career, my future....and even after burning midnight oil, things are not going my way..then why to get afraid of??
So..I am excluding myself from all the social activities...talking, chatting ...going out with friends...answering stupid questions about past...talking about future...holding expectations from those someones'....everything....everything which hurt and makes my heart weep. I am not angry with anyone..nor any single person holds the responsibility of my decision...Its what I want to do for myself..for sometime.


(P.S.One request for my few friends here...plz dont ask any question and please dont give any call to ask for the same. Their is a great possibility that I will not be able to receive your calls..dont take things otherwise..as soon as I feel right I myself will give a call to all of you..this is just a time off....for few days.And yes...this is the only place I am not going to lose contact with ]

Love,