बस यूँ ही

किसी के आने की उम्मीद से किसी के ना आने का विश्वास अच्छा है ,
हर दिन नयी बात पर रोने से पुरानी यादों पर आंसू बहाना अच्छा है ,
कुछ पल की ख़ुशी और फिर हमेशा के दुःख से हर पल ना मुस्कुराना अच्छा है ,
यारों की मेह्फ़िल में बदनाम होने से गैरों के साथ तबाह हो जाना अच्छा है ,
जो दो पल साथ ना दे सके ऐसे यार से बे-यार हो जाना अच्छा है,
कुछ झूठे कस्मे वादों से बेगैरत हो जाना अच्छा है,
बे-आबरू होक तेरे कूँचे से निकलने से खुद मर जाना अच्छा है ,
बेवफ़ा अब फिर तुझे खोने से खुद खो जाना अच्छा है ।

Fading away!

Everything around is fading away. Everything. You know! The terrace talks, the parking lots, the late night calls, all night chats, the messages. Graduation days. When you were with me. Always. The countless poems I wrote for you. The thousands of pictures which live in my pen drive now.

The days of all of us being together. We all. It all seems like a distant memory today. Like you wake up from a dream the next day and you don’t remember anything. Just few blur images. And the more you try to remember, the far the images go from you.

Remembering your words…which keep on echoing inside my head…makes me wonder was it really you? It feels like I was with a totally different person. What changed? I wonder. What exactly changed? And then I realize, we become a person we are with. And then it clears my doubt to an extent. How could I miss that? You are a carbon copy of someone else today. Selfish, coward, immature…not caring about anyone else…not even thinking twice before hurting anyone.

But then…why like everything else…your memories aren’t fading away? Why aren’t your voice becoming a blur image like the dreams I see every night. Life is such a smart a** you know! It is erasing every memory from my head except for yours. Every face, except for yours. Every voice………except for yours.

Hatred has always been my strength. It has made me strong. But with you…I can’t even hate you. And that’s where I failed. That’s the only point I fail. Coz it makes me weak.

Who says time heals every wound? Who the hell says that? Some wounds would never heal. There will always be some traces of the scars that the wound left behind. What will you do then?

Anyhow…the question is….why aren’t you fading away from my mind…from my memories…from my veins? Like everything else…like everyone else. You are not the first person I have lost in life. Then why aren’t you?

*sigh*

Unfinished!

We all need a closure. That moment when you know you don’t want to wait anymore…or try anymore. The moment when you know you have moved on…in life…leaving all bitter and sweet memories behind. You look back and just smile. Coz you know…it doesn’t hurt anymore. No hard feelings…no hatred or regrets. Just a smile.

But does the closure really exist? What if we have some unfinished business? Some unspoken words? Things you wanted to say to someone before you head ahead in life. Coz you know…those words, if not spoken, would never let you sleep. What if you are trying to say a last goodbye to someone but couldn’t? Coz it’s too tough…too scary. You are too used to the habit of living in pain and despair that moving on looks like a sin? Or you just want to listen to the last words? Maybe you want someone else to finish the unfinished. To say the last ‘goodbye’.

But life doesn’t works that way. And so, we have to get free of the baggage. We have to finish the unfinished. Coz at some point of time…we all reach a closure. The storm will settle itself. The obsession will pass someday. And looking back we only find things we could have done but was too coward to try. Words we could have said but found the easy way out.

Coz gradually…everything in life change….and so do we! Change may not always be for good…but that’s the way it is. Look back at yourself five years back...what a long way you have come. You may not be the happiest person. But you too changed as a person. We all do. It’s just the acceptance that we need,To get along with life.

The closure is right there….behind the unfinished.

Robin: I am never going to have closure. Okay, closure doesn't exist. One day, Don and I are moving into together, and the next thing I know, he's on a plane to Chicago. It just... ended. And, no matter how much I try to forget that it happened, it will have never not happened. Don and I will always be a loose end. We will always be-

(Shot to Ted giving a lecture)

Ted: Unfinished. Gaudí, to his credit, never gave up on his dream. But that's not usually how it goes. Most of the time it's just too difficult, too expensive, too scary. It's only once you've stopped that you realise how hard it is to start again, so you force yourself not to want it. But it's always there. And until you finish it, it will always be...

~Unfinished, How I met your Mother

I am a believer....I seek for reasons!

I am a believer. Believer of things….of circumstances…of whatever happens in life…with life. I do get off the track sometimes…but at the end…I make myself believe that whatever happens…happen for a reason. The reason may not be known to me now. Or maybe I know. Maybe.

But I am an ardent believer. And whenever I question the reason…I know I am only going to hurt myself. Not that I do not do things to hurt myself. But this one is disastrous. You know. I try to find reason in whatever happened. With me. With us. Most of the times I try and find a good reason. Like, ‘nothing stays in life forever’. Or, ‘that everything has a life of its own. And the expiry date will arrive someday’. And maybe this is the time…to let things set free. But sometimes, my mind gets bombarded with bad reasons too. Like, what if I had not taken a certain decision? Or, not have met a particular person. Or have said no at a certain event. You know! Things like that. And it is this time when I lose control and do things which I regret later.

But, let’s say, what if? What if I had ask the same question to someone else on 7th September 2007 and not you? What if we had never crossed our ways and met each other? What if I never entered that morning batch to train? What if I would have changed my mind and never sent you that video? Or never let you interact with anyone I knew? Or had not called you in that city? Would life be different then?

It’s absurd I know…to talk about ‘What if’s?’ It has no meaning…no logic. I know. But you never know, you know! But maybe this had to happen. And maybe it’s the best. For you. For both of you. I see pictures of you both….together…like really together….like we were once. I feel suffocated at first. The agony burns me. I feel- How could you? How could you be so happy and worry nothing without me? I ask myself, do you ever think of me amidst all this time? I never say ‘miss’. Coz I know you don’t…but just ‘think’? When you go to places with her…doing every possible thing you did for me once? Not caring about the world…not caring about me…not even thinking once how I would feel.

And then I get my reason. That, this is why it has to happen. So that you both could get together. And you know what? I care less and less with each passing day…watching you both together…hand in hand…talking every minute…sharing all things…careless…all over to each other…not thinking about anything…anyone. And I do not feel this need to be loved…or to love again. I miss that. Certainly. But I do not want it back. Coz this is what I have always been. Independent.

You spoiled me. In a certain way. I was dependent on you. To be happy. To feel sad. To cry. To laugh. And today, I do not find this need to be with someone. And maybe this is also a reason. You both are like this. You need people to be with. Always. You both always want someone to talk to. And that’s why you both are together.

I am waiting for a closure. When, by looking at you, I would feel nothing. And I know the day will come someday. Coz every step you take there…one step I take here. One step of yours towards her…two steps you are farther from me. But it’s ok! This all was meant to happen. Everything.

Coz everything….EVERYTHING…happens for a reason!

Here it is again...my old friend...CHANGE!

Change is the only thing that has always topped the chart of the things I detest the most. And here it is again….the change..standing right at my door….making all those promises of hope, happiness and of a better tomorrow. Two year back….right at this time…this same change stood at my door…giving away all those assurances of a better life…of a blissful tomorrow. I don’t know what I gained in all these two years….but I definitely know what I lost. I definitely do!

And this is the reason I have always abhorred this guest…this is the reason why I always avoided this uninvited thing who has always crossed the boundary without even seeking permission and making all those big alterations in my life I never welcomed. It’s catastrophic. These changes. But I had things and people to lose then. And today…I am not afraid but only nervous of the tomorrow. Maybe coz I don’t have anything to lose now. Maybe because I already have lost the things I was most afraid to lose. Maybe that’s why this time….I am not running, but smiling at this guest standing right in front of me. Or rather laughing.

What a tragic thing life is. You feel scared when you have everything. And you laugh back at life when you have nothing. Loss does that effect on you. You tend to accept things you hated once. You tend to look back and think…’Gosh! That was huge.’ Things you went through. But it has the other side too. It left a hole…a void deep inside your soul. You not only lose fear…but along with it…you lose faith, trust, love and most important thing…belief… in yourself…that you’ll ever be able to get along with life. You just get tired of watching people moving on in their lives, who, not only broke your heart and trust but promised you to be by side no matter what. Promised that their life would be nothing without you. You laughed at your own stupidity and close your eyes. Of the things around. Of the people who hurt you. Of the surroundings that could affect you more.

And here it is again…the change…of not being the people you love…of not being the one you are…of secluding yourself from everyone…maybe from your own self too…and waiting for the next big leap in life…thinking that it will wash away all the pain of yesterday…of trying to bury the past and never bring in notice to the new world you are about to enter. But deep inside…this is who you are…nothing but a puppet who would dance in the tune of future but is made from the ashes of past. Of talking to new people but expecting you could see that one face from your past again…someday…just walking down the road. Laughing at the jokes of new world whereas deep inside still smiling on the memories of yesterday!

And here I am again…standing at the edge of a new start….bringing in a new change..this time…with no reluctance but with no enthusiasm too!

Escape-Insanity!

A lot has been done. Literally…a lot…to find an escape. Find none! And amidst this entire search for a door to run away….or a mere window…I lost all my sanity. Not that I had it in abundance…but whatever little piece of sense and sagacity I had…I lost it all.

And the consequences? Today…everything…almost everything makes me sick. The act of being smart by dolts….the noise of endless dramas by daily soaps…the infinite questions that the mind raise every other second….the stupidity of the heart to hurt itself over and over again….the thoughts of second chance….the endless fight between the mind and the heart….the apologies…the lies…fake emotions….the corruption which is never gonna end…the fights against it…the undue fasts….prayers….noise of guns made by the soldiers in the games my brother play….

And then…there are people. They make me sick. The fake and hollow persona they carry. Fake emotions. Fake words. Lies. The masks. The sham. Where are the real faces? Where are the true emotions? Why is it so hard to be the one you actually are and for god sake be a man for once to stand up to it. No courage is required to tell a lie. It is an action of a coward. It takes a real man and guts to stand and tell the truth. The real story.

I hate people who just run away from the situation. Thinking they are strong to turn their back when in actual they are the biggest chicken-hearted and timid people on earth.

During my graduation days…one of my mentors said to me once…that this is a mutual beneficial society. People …even your best of friends are with you for a motive. And let that moment arrive…you will be left alone…within a blink of an eye. How true she was. I miss such real people around.

For the moment…I just have trash around me…and all these noises and these people have snatched my sanity. I couldn’t find any escape except to shut the doors. To shut the doors of my life for some time. There is nobody in to go out….and for some indefinite time….no one would be allowed to enter the gate too.

I guess isolation is the only need of the hour. The only escape for the moment! Before I get ready and start a new journey…which is close….very close!

Come wake me up!

She waited there. Half an hour. She should have known. He is always late. He said 4:30 pm. She said 5. They settled at 4:30. He asked to come before time. And like always....he was late. She thought of nothing. Of no reasons this time. Neither of the consequences. Of going there…again. Sometimes..you need to let go of the reasons..and do what your heart says.

They sat there. At the same old place. Same old chair. After almost an year. The last time they sat there was June 2012. Right before a day he was to leave the city. Things were so different then. Who could have thought that one year later..they were sit there…just like known strangers. Thinking every word before spilling them out. Talking of things that are so formal…not so important. Career. Job. Et all.

The place was changed too..a bit. There were new things on the menu. New people over the counter. But what has not changed was the aroma….the magic of the place. This place has always been special for them. Right from the first patch up to the first big fight. From the numerous sort outs to the countless laughter. Maybe that’s why….they doesn't even have to decide the place. They both knew where to meet.

It wasn't awkward…but it wasn't the same too. The eyes were more on phone or on the people around then to be on each other. The ‘thing’ was gone. The comfort was missing. Nothing to talk about. Nothing to share. The eyes said million things. That it could never be the same again. Not even closer to what it used to be. It was more of an obligation that was to be fulfilled. The zeal was missing. The intention lacked. It wasn't a mistake. But it wasn't a right decision too. And then, the guy over the counter played the song:

Yeah the whole thing begins
And I let you sink into my veins
And I feel the pain like it's new
Everything that we were,
Everything that you said,
Everything that I did and that I couldn't do
Plays through tonight

Tonight your memory burns like a fire
With every one it grows higher and higher
And I can't get over it, I just can't put out this love
I just sit in these flames and pray that you'll come back
Close my eyes tightly, hold on and hope that I'm dreaming
Come wake me up

Turn the TV up loud just to drown out your voice, but I can't forget
Now I'm all out of ideas and baby I'm down to my last cigarette
Yeah, you're probably asleep deep inside of your dreams while I’m sitting here crying and trying to see
Yeah, wherever you are baby now I am sure you moved on and aren't thinking twice about me
And you tonight

~Come wake me up,RASCAL FLATTS

P.S: It was weird but amazing...the song that played...so right...so right for the moment.

Making the ones you love, hate you!

The stakes are high. Very high. To make the people you love, hate you. It rips your heart. Totally. Being bad or acting like the vamps. Portraying a picture of yours that you are not worth loving. Or even remembering. Creating a situation where mere name of yours will bring back so much hatred in their heart that they choose not to even think about you. Let alone remembering you. But the stakes are high. Very high infact.

But sometimes, this is what you have to do. Not thinking about your own heart. Your pain. Your suffering. But to think about them. To release them from your memories. Coz you are making them not forgetting you. They may have moved on…but somewhere…deep in their heart…are your traces. So why not create a picture that they loath. You know. Like really loath. More than monday mornings. More than broken heart. More than midnight tears.

And you do this…coz you love them so much to see them in any pain. You care too much to see them even remembering your name. You love them too much that you have to make them hate you. Coz you know…they are good without you. Coz you have seen them laughing their heart out without you. Coz you know…not being with them is the best thing you could do for them.

And about you….you sit on your couch…thinking about them..letting them go…setting them free…dropping silent tears from your eyes…and writing this. Tearing your heart one million times. Sitting here….with a kaput soul…and memories. You don’t know what went wrong…when things got so absurd. Whose mistake it was? Or was it just life?

You know…life is not good or bad..it is just…LIFE! You can’t fight with it. It would only make you more wrecked. So what you do? You give up. In the name of love. In the name of friendship. In the name of people you love..irrespective of what they feel…irrespective of the hatred…irrespective of the history….of the loneliness you are living with…irrespective of the void they have left…the deep hole in your heart. Thinking everyday…that all those things happened for a reason….that it was no-one’s mistake. Watching them moving on..when you still are standing on the same road....at the same place. And years from now…when your name would bring only a blur memory of yours…you will still be remembering them…standing on the same road…waiting at the same point…where you saw them the last time.

Yes…the stakes are high. Very high indeed!