Bookmarks!

I have this habit of bookmark-ing things. Specially places I would like to visit someday. Right from a loud café in Delhi to a peaceful location somewhere in the hills. Resorts or lavish hotels or be it just a road side vendor selling awesome food. I might not be able to visit them anytime in future, but I imagine what it will be like to be there. I have with fascination with places. More than people I am fascinated with places. I don’t remember a single face on the streets of Melbourne but I remember the locks which was there on the bridge hanging with some messages. I remember the shape and color of bricks used beside the dock.

I guess I have the habit of bookmark-ing life as well. Not the people…but the events. I don’t quite remember the people I met when I was a kid, but I definitely remember the places. The big trees and the lake beside my bua’s house….the buildings and the roundabouts I used to cross while going to market with my grandmother.

I remember what you said to me at 2 am in the morning while we both were drunk, our fingers trembling while we were spilling our secrets. You might not remember …but I remember even the emoticons you used. That’s the kind of person I am. Coz I bookmarked that moment in my mind.

There are thousands and thousands of bookmarked moments saved in my mind forever. And there are hundreds of bookmarks on my laptop. I love each of them…good or bad. While I’d like to see the bookmarks on my laptop once in my life….I wish I could visit some of the bookmarks in my mind once!

Clueless!

I guess I have lost it. The passion and the zeal to do something or anything new. I feel I live a robotic life. Waking up at 7:15, making breakfast, getting ready for office, packing lunch, having breakfast ..working and working with no proper goal. Coming back….putting things at their place…clothes, slippers, bag, specs, earphones. Changing clothes. Serving dinner..slicing beetroot, serving curd,dal and 1.5 chapati. Eating dinner while watching friends. Talk sometime on phone and sleep.

Every single day…I repeat the same thing…the same schedule. Fuck! I earn decent….I wear decent clothes. Eat at good places during weekend. Shop. But what is it that is missing. I don’t know. Everything is pretty good. Maybe I am bored. But I am bored everywhere. Even when on holidays. When I go out for a movie. When I shop. Everything seem a task for me. EVERY DAMN THING! Even having food. I just want to lie down and do nothing. Just nothing! You know in my pajamas! Not caring about my weight or about the pimples on my face..the dark circles..or any fucking damn thing.

I don’t talk to anyone. Any of my friend I mean. I talk to my parents and him. That’s it! Is that could be the reason of my monotony? Maybe!

Maybe I am just tired of living here. It’s been 4.5 years since I have been living away from home. But after some point of time, I get bored at home too. But atleast I am not bothered about what to get cook in breakfast lunch and dinner. About the cleanliness of my house.

At times I feel like taking a sabbatical. But then “Planning” you know. “Planning” the next year doesn’t let me take the leaves.

I have no clue what to do to break the monotony. Suggest me some please?

Coz her heart is the foundation of your healthy home!

I was in my MBA 1st year. My father used to call me every night, even if there is nothing important to talk about. I was having my midterms exam and one night, I did not receive any call from him. I thought he might have skipped due to my exams. He would call next day.

Whole day went by but I did not receive his call the next day as well. I was too busy with my preps that I thought he would call. When even by 10 p.m that day I did not get his call, I called him. My mom picked up. She was not her usual self. After much investigation, I found out my father got a major heart attack. His cholesterol level was too high and there were other complications too. He was transferred to the one of the best hospital in Gurgaon where his open heart surgery took place.

Those 21 days were the worst days of my life. I still could not forget his pain. Later on, my mother reports too started showing high level of cholesterol. Due to all this oily food, there was a lot of increment in her weight and thus, increasing the level of cholesterol.

My dad after his heart attack took it really serious and stopped consuming any oily food. Even his normal food was now cooked in #Saffola. He started his morning walk and exercise giving it a total of 60 mins from his day. Remembering his pain and the increased level of cholesterol in mom’s report, he took the responsibility to take precaution rather than cure. My mother is little lazy when it comes to any form of workout. Even walk. My dad took the pledge to #ProtectHerHeart and did all he could.

He made it a point to wake mom up. He would not leave until unless mom is up from the bed. By the time mom put her shoes on, he take jug of water and they both gulp them down. And then they hit the road. Dad, since was walking from quite sometime now, has developed the stamina. Nevertheless, he would stop whenever he feels mom is tired, take a halt and then start walking again. He started from 20 mins ..exceeding 2 mins every week. Now both mom and dad walk min of 30 mins daily..sometimes exceeding 60 mins. His dedication and mom’s commitment did tremendous task and now both of their cholesterol level is in control. Plus they are fit (more than me)

This junk food and almost every day eating out is takin a toll on me too. My weight has increased quite in last few month, and he also has put on weight. Looking at my Mom-Dad combo, we both too have decided to walk-run-walk every morning. Since he live quite far from my place, we have decided to call each other (whoever wakes up early) in morning for motivation (Me being a non-morning person). And then we would walk-run-walk for 30 mins. Plus we will also talk a 15 mins walk after dinner every day. I hope this will protect both of our hearts! Coz good health is the ultimate asset.

“I am joining the Saffolalife #ProtectHerHeart initiative and pledging my support to better heart health in Association with BlogAdda

Design your dreams...Design your HOME!

Getting married to someone you are in love with is like a dream coming true. And planning your house is like living a fairytale. Fortunately, I am living this fairytale these days. All the excitement from choosing the color of your curtains, to furniture ..from designing your bedroom to coloring your home gets the adrenaline rush in me. But being an obsessive perfectionist I am..i need my things to be near perfection.

Me and my fiancé are both working and we do not get much time to explore things. We only have weekends where we have to decide which thing to take up first. I, again being me, do not want to compromise when it comes to designing my dream home. Amidst all these running from furniture shops to showrooms displaying thousands of curtains and cushions, the only thing running inside my mind was to choose the color of our bedroom. I want it to be a reflection of my personality and show the sophistication (which I am a fan off) at the same time.

Dearth of leaves and the overflowing work was not giving us anytime to look for color and theme of my bedroom which was there in the back of my mind since long. One day when I was browsing for some dress, I came across the app by Bedbathmore named as #PaintFinder

I was so excited to see the complete theme based color scheme. You just choose the color of our choice and boom!!! You actually could take a virtual view of how your room would look like. I just loved loved the concept.

It is just so easy to use and you can view your future house/room without even putting an iota of color. This came as such a relief for me as there would be no chances of error since I know exactly how my dream would look like.

The anxiety in me took a back seat as soon as I came across this app of #PaintFinder. I chose the color, chose the room (which has everything from your living room, bedroom to bathroom) and then order the shade card!

I always wanted my room to be bright yet not gaudy at the same time. And hence mauve or shade of light purple has always been my choice. Thanks to #PaintFinder, I was able to find exactly what I was looking for. This color is bright and subtle at the same time. Gosh! I am so relieved.

My fiancé is happy…to be in laws are happy and I am super duper happy. What else do I need? Atleast one of the major problem is solved! Phewhh!!!

“I am participating in the #PaintFinder activity in Association with BlogAdda & Bed Bath & more

Life as I see it! - I

They say learning never ends. Some say that smarter are the people who learn from other’s mistakes. I find these two statements contradicting each other. I have lost the counts of my mistakes…I learn from them and then most of the times I make the same mistake again.

I don’t know which category of people I belong to. When it comes to heart and emotions…I still am a fool.

I remember years back, a known stranger told me that I am a melancholic person. I am never going to be satisfied with what I have. And people like me should live alone. Not as a curse but as an advice. I smiled at him and said, it’s just a phase. It will pass. Today I remember his words and think how right he was.

I had an aunt. She was married at a very early stage. She was known to be a rebellion. A person very different from her family. She was, as said, was a very strong person..emotionally. It was said that no one could break her heart. As anticipated, she got divorced within two years of her marriage. Reason was, she was heartbroken. People still say that she was a strong headed woman and did not adjust with her husband. With time, as I got to know her, I came to know why she left him. She left because of her heart that was broken months after months. The abuse and arguments she had to face.

After few months of her divorce she left the country. At that time people said that it’s because she got a very good opportunity overseas. Truth is, the society never let her live here. She was tired of the comments and taunts she and her parents had to face everyday. And hence she left. It’s been years now. I am more mature to understand her situation. I don’t know where she is. The only thing I know is that she still is not married. She chose to live alone. She studied..work hard..made a life of her own and lived alone.

Today, when I think of her…I feel I am her. Like her. I feel I will end up like her. Alone. Not sad alone. But alone. Yes, people like me should live alone.

Men in my life!

There are flash backs running in front of my eyes. We never shared any concrete relationship. Relationship is a strong word. We never shared anything concrete would be a better thing to write. Yet there was/is something very strong. I feel he is me. Or I feel I am him. We are too similar. I never saw a future with him. I never saw us together. Yet there was something which always draw me towards him.

It’s nothing…nothing but the conversations. His words satiating my soul. His rhymes giving my inner goddess a heads up.

“We could have been a good couple” he said to me once. And the next moment he said, “It’s good we are not together”. And I couldn’t agree more to both of his statements.

He became an addiction to me. To my soul. And then, a wave came and things fell apart. I met someone and he met someone and we moved on.

We still talk…almost every day. But things have changed now. We have boundaries to look after. People to take care of. Responsibilities to fulfill. But in the middle of night…between weeks and months…I miss the person I was, when he was there!!!!

Couch Potato!

I will not say that I miss myself or I miss that time. The time today is much better than what it used to be, in any sense. But yes, as the pain went by..I realized I lost the zeal and the necessity to write..to vent out.

I guess I have become lazy….too lazy to read..to write….to shop…to even feel anything. It’s like I am just accepting anything and everything coming on my way. You could see the strands of laziness on my face…on my body.

I just don’t care how I look…how I sound to people…how am I working or doing in my professional life. I don’t know if it’s the hormonal changes I am facing or I have just stopped thinking about important things in life. I do think a lot about the cleanliness of my bathroom. Or how well my bedsheet is spread over my bed or spotlessness my floor. I guess I am suffering from intense OCD and excessive laziness. Sounds like an oxymoron right?

But you know what…I am just too lazy to search for the right words here!

I think many times that I need a break. And because of which I took an off from work on Monday (after Sat and Sun off course). And I plan to go out on my own…to shop…to visit a friend or atleast make a few phone calls. But duhh!!! Here I am…at 5 p.m..wasted all day planning so many things and doing nothing. I could have slept atleast…but nope! I did NOTHING!!!!

And I guy my brain now is too lazy to think of anything else!

God help me!

Be your own best friend :)

I remember when I was in school, I used to get so many friendship bands for friendship day. During grads, the circle grew so large that I lost the track of how many are there to wish. Planning friendship day eve, going out, having fun was how the years went by.

With time..people left. They always do. Some you leave…some leave you. And gradually when you grow up you will realize how many temporary people you met in the journey. And with time I realized today friendship day was confined to make calls to a handful of people who are still with m. Peeople with whom I hardly get time to talk to but yes with them I survived this long.

So the realization is that yes friends are treasure to keep. But as everyone gets busy in their own lives…spouse..children..you’ve got to be your own best friend. You’ve got to learn to enjoy your own company.

So this friendship day..keeping this in mind…after wasting half of the day sleeping ad lazing around I decided to go on a date with myself. I got ready…picked up my bag and went off. Did loads of shopping for myself…from shoes to bag to clothes. Had amazing coffee and cakes and sat quietly for some time remembering the day I left home to make a life of my own.

And today I stand here…independent…much confident and a feeling that yes I do have achieved something at least to make a life of my own. And I might not be earning in 6 figures every month..but yes I am satisfied and I am good with whatever I have. I grew as a person…I haven’t lose my principles and no matter how many people hates me or doesn’t like me…I know that when I stand in front of the mirror I see an honest person and I am proud of that.

With this…I hope you all too find your best friend in no one else but yourself!

Wait and life will flow!

They say good things come to those who wait. They say it will happen when it is meant to be. They say you could neither preponed or postponed any event in your life.

I don’t know if whatever is happening is good or just a phase. But for the first time, I believe I could see beyond a time limit. I could ascertain my future. I feel little stability and hope for tomorrow.

Yes, July definitely was a month full of changes. I changed my flat. Changed my workplace. Though both the places have few people from old places…office and flat…but the surroundings are new. I am liking this change..specially my workplace. Good managers….good teal leads…people I look forward to work with. Personal life too has become a little stable. Yes. Stable.

My weekdays are good. My weekends are better. We explore all new places every weekend. Going all over Delhi to mark our presence. Thing I love the most about him is that he never says no. Delhi/NCR being such a huge city, even if I ask him to drive 60 kms for a plate of pasta….he do it..with all happiness and excitement.

And yes, I visited the city for which I have been waiting for years. Jaipur. Such a lovely stay and such a beautiful place.

So much happened this month that I am still trying to figure out where I am this moment. Amidst all this roller coaster, I missed few people. Things ended so abruptly between us I could not even guess what happened. At times, I want to ping them and ask what happened. But maybe few things are better when they are left as they are.

Anyhow, we all move on. For better or for worst, that only time would decide.

Fagged

Have you ever felt that you have lost your soul? You know as if you are nothing but just flesh and bones. Could you quantify happiness? Like I will be happy when I’d have that job..or get married…or find someone who would love me like no one else.?

Could we parameterized life? I feel I have almost all the things I craved for once. ALMOST. But am I happy? I guess I never was and will never be. And I feel as long as I remain in my own space…it is good. Both for me and the people around. I am a loner and that I came in terms with till someone came and trespassed the line of my heart.

I was not open…open to accept this change. I was fine living my life in grey. You know all those un-named relations, flings..or whatever the fuck you want to call them. I was ok with it. At least I was not carrying the conscious thought of not hurting someone. Coz there were no promises..no expectations. Just the emotions and the comfort.

With every passing day here…I feel I am losing my soul. Or maybe I have already lost it. The fear of not hurting someone.....the feeling of getting hated by almost everyone around just because you could not be that person who go and lick the ass of people….the suffocation of not being able to get understood…the immense craving to vent your heart to someone without being judged.

Going our every weekend….getting drunk…. Music so loud that you could not listen to your inner voice….has become a need now.

Nothing is bad if you see in totality….but nothing is right either you know! I don’t know if it is the age…of the phase or the fucking place which is making me write all this….but this is what it is.

I am tired. Really really tired. As if I have come back from a long trip….as if I have been walking since ages..without any destination…without any plan….without knowing where to go. I am lost and tired. I need rest. A long comforting rest.