Being Friends!!!!!!!

"Hello........"
"Hey......ssup?"
"Nothing as such........u say.....call........at this tym....is everythn fine?
"Well.....i dont kw actually.......bas not feeling good....."
"What happen???.......say sumthin nw....."
"Can u come to centre plz ....tomorrow? I need to talk to you...."
"Okies......but u cn atleast say wats wrong? I mean is smething bothering u?
"Sort off..........Chal ya me going to sleep.......do cme tomorrow "

Next day

"Hello"
"Yeah..m here....whr r u? M waiting at 3rd floor.......come fast"
"Coming in five minutes"

Ten minutes later

"So........the king is here haan.......finally..........look at ur stubble.....hah......trying to look cool haan?"
"Wat trying to look........I am cool......(smirked)......"
"Yeah ....Yeah..."

After few stupid talks

"Now say whats the matter? Why your eyes are red? Now dont say that you were studying whole night ok.......tell me wats is it?"
"I need to end up things right here only......Its been more than two years and still things are not clear.....err"
"Then?? What are you waiting for............do it.."
"oh yeahh...........its not that easy ok......"
" Nothing is impossible either....I may sound dramatic but this is the truth. You yourself dont want to free yourself from your "Past"...n then you curse life, god and what not to make life complicated. I mean this is too much now....look at you....you are devastating your life..is this the way you planned things for your life? Can you simply imagine yourself how you would be after five years.......Damn ya how can you do this with yourself. M sry if I am crossing the line"

"You have the right.....dunn wry...just say what u want to..i want to hear"
"That is it....you are mature enough to think wats right and wrong for you..now dont think much and do wat your heart says"
"My heart says that every life has an end and so do things in life.......and after their end, those things could only be kept on ventilator without having life of its own....and its time for me to bid adieu from those things....."
"Hmmmm..........so now smile and keep yourself happy....you'll find ample of reasons to smile on small things.........look aroud yourself.......life is full of LIFE itself"...........

"I feel terrible smetym...lyk killing smeone"
"Then go for it.....kill all those mosquitoes around.......heheh"
"That was a PJ anyways"
"But you smiled atleast"
"And what if I dont feel lyk sleeping ......"
"Then think to do smething new...smething crazy.......smething wierd......And then sochte sochte hi neend aa jaegi"(Laughed)
"Again a bad one........."(Bt I actually was smilling after days)
"Now no more serious talks........I have prepared only this much speech u kw"
And we both giggled......few more stupid talks and he went back but left a smile on my face.
He is one of the rare closest friend I have today....a person who knows how to bring smile on a dull face......stupid but sweet....a child at heart but yet mature.....the one with whom I can just be myself....I can speak my heart out.......only person who never humiliate anyone but instead give reasons to laugh on troubles. Pain and dullness are the words which does not exist in his dictionary, and the most important thing is he never make fun of feelings....instead bring new dimensions in every vivid less situation.
Yes, he is a special friend I love to spend time with.

P.S. : There exist a world between black and white. And there also exist a relation between friend and beloved.

Question??????

Is it right to quit something you are not happy with and not sure to be happy even after quiting????

"There's nothing I wouldn't do to hear your voice again...
Sometimes,I want to call you, but I know you won't be there
Its hard to say goodbye when u r so close"

A Castle..once mine!!!!!

That room was mine...entirely mine. I owe that place. Every corner, every wall, each window and the door....It was mine. Someone has gifted that to me once as a symbol of care and love he had . In initial days I wasnt very comfortable with the place, it was new to me, to have a place of my own. Time passes and I started enjoying the warmth and coziness of that place. I took pleasure in living there. I decorate it with all colours, I saw dreams....dream of my future, dreams to have my man by my side....the man who gifted the most beautiful moments of my life, moments which I can never forget till the last breath of my journey called life.
Time passed...by this time that space was mine, but things were going away from me....slowly....colours were fading, dreams were fissuring.......I was loosing my own belongings. I saw someone entering my room.....He said I have to share it with her......I denied....he got annoyed......I agreed. I shared my space with her. Days went by...she was using my stuffs...she was colouring my space in her own colours....colours just opposite of mine. I fought, I cried, I shouted....but no one listened me. I slept with my pillow ....wet with tears.
Mornings came and nights went.........day by day I was made to share my space with more people. .I was helpless....saw my entitiies fussing with me........he came and assured that these things are still mine..I smiled....but truth was different.I could sense that.....
Years passed and I am a complete stranger in my own space today....his past is now his present.....and I am standing at the door...dont knw what step should I take now. Should I step in and fight for my love or should I go out and free him with his love?

A Time Then.............

How things change from one world to other......how rapidly tym flows from the river of life.....seems like just yesterday wen surroundings were oozing out of of bliss, guffawing, zealots all around. There was music, dance, laughs, peers, and time.....Time for living the present, time to grin on past moments, time to gloat over stupid things done....At that side of life, we were the kings...we were the protagonists, we were the producers of the movie called life. We mould it and took it in the way we wanted it to be. We fought, we hugged, we cried, we laughed , we , we , we...............
There was only WE which exists then, no "ME" and no "I".......life was about 'US', our happiness, our wishes, our desires........."OUR Friends"....life was for them, time was for them, heart was for them, and thoughts was for them. Question was never 'what should be done to make ourself happy?'..............question was always to make them relieved...Their sorrows made us weep......their felicity made us pacify.
And then there was LOVE.......love so naive, so callow, so true...like a baby born few seconds back..a love so unconditional...a feeling so chaste, divine , contented...there were rainbows all around...dreams, desires, fantasies, passion, aspirations to fly high...free in the sky....curiosity and urge to hold time.......to stop earth's revolution......to live life in each moment spent together.....that feeling of oneness....that touch pure like pantheon, a kiss delicate as a pearl.....fragrance as fresh as sandalwood.........
Yes....those were the moments once lived, now a fiction!!!!!

Burning Desires!!!!!

I hate it when u speak of her. I hate every word that flows out from your mouth .I envy every letter that praises her.. That pile of burning desires destroys all longing and affection I have for you. I cant hear a word when u praise her, I cant bear her name on your lips. You are not mine but you cant be hers.
Every night I see you in her arms and I broke down in thousand of pieces and my soul wander in search of a place where I could see nothing but you, you....all Mine and no one else amidst us.
I see her laughing at me and shouting that you are not mine, I feel her minions disgracing my soul..I cry but no one listen....I shout but no one care....I mourn but cant see anyone around...except graves of the moments when I once was alive.
I burn down into ashes to emerge as a Phoenix, to burn again in your desires .......everyday.

P.S: "Grief and disappointment give rise to anger, anger to envy, envy to malice, and malice to grief again, till the whole circle be completed."

Banglore Junction

She was rushing....again late....this habbit has always vexed her. Thnx to our Indian Railways...this tym also the train was late by 30 mins. She went in and adjust all her baggage. Mammoth of work was pending so without wasting tym she opened her laptop and starts playing with numbers and figures.As it was 5 in the
morning and she was feelin damn soporific , she decided to have a coffee first. She went out and looked around for some tea stall. Getting coffee at this tym and in tea stall is a big thing, luckily she got one. The train started and so do her work.Hours passed and she was fathomly involved in her work . Noise of other passangers couldnt disturb her. All these years she has succumbed herself with work , work and only work.
Stations come and went by, passengers steped up and down...train was whirling...she shuted down her lappy and closed her eyes.Her face was covered with her dupatta.....and she slept............

"Excuse me"... abruptly a voice collides her ear drum.
Without completely opening her eyes she searched for ticket and handed it to the person standing.
"M sorry Ma'am but I am not a TT"
Damn....then what this person wants. She turned to see his face.

A long pause....things got static for a moment. None of them moved. Life always throw a lagniappe when is least expected. Do they have to meet like this after ages. Never in her weirdest dream she thought of meeting him like this. Almost a decade has passed. Time has moved on and so has she. Yes, she has moved on. She is not a naive,insane, lovable and always smilling girl . Today she is a 'women'. A women
mature enough to take decisions of her own life, strong enough to live alone in a strange city, and dedicated enough to not let her mind get distracted with her past. In short she is a numb, workaholic Women today.

"Hi"
"Hi"
"How r u?"
"M gud. How are you?"
"M fine"
"Good to see you after a long time"
"The feeling is mutual"

There was an awkward silence between them, which last for hours.

"So........."
"So?"
"So, where r u working? You were into your Master's when we last met"
"Yeah...long tym. M working with a Bank. Have just got a transfer to Banglore. What about you? Still in Infy?"
"No...left that long back. Did my Master's. Now working in Banglore itself. Irony it is, again in the same city. History repeats itself"
"But exceptions always remains"
"Yeah."

A small pause

"So, what else. Howz everyone at home?"
"Everyone is fine. Bhai got admission in a good B school. Doing his Master's."
"Great. And...Err....you are staying alone in Banglore?"
"Yeah...I love my own company.(smiled) Anyways cant share my space with anyone now...."
"Good"
"Hmmmm..........Howz Parul?
"Oh she got married two years back. She's in Noida"
"Thats great"

"Yeah.....And......Errr...........what about your life? I mean ........err.......".....

And they reached their destination...."Banglore Junction"......

Who Are You????????

I read all the mails u send once...I was feelin as if all those things are again happening in front of me. I could feel that love overflowing from your eyes,I could again see your eyes peeping into mine, I could feel warmth of your words deep into my heart. Do you remember the nights we used to chat continuously fr hrs and hrs? Do you remember the nights we spent talking, crying, laughing and dreaming? Do u remember the dreams we saw together?
I read all our chats and mails. Truely speaking, I missed that time, when u were here with me. I miss the tym you used to call everyngt just to know wthr I'am happy or not. I miss the time when silence was the best conversation between us. I miss the time when even our eyes could speak and we feel content just by looking at each other. You made me realise that life is actually beautiful. U taught me to saw dreams, u taught me to laugh, u taught me to smile. The reason y I still miss u is coz of the tym we have had spent together. We even talk today, but neither u r the same nor I. Things have changed, tym has changed, n so does We.
A lot has changed amidst us. We both have come a long way, a way where we talk, where we smile, where we work....but we are not the one which we were once. Its lyk coming to a place where u dont want to come, doing work which u dont enjoy and talking with your people whom you are not interested in. In the same way we talk, even when we dont want to, and complete our formalities of having chitchat with one another. Isnt? Their exist a sort of wall between us. We hide things or better say we dont want to discuss things of our "personal lives".Smetym I feel lyk hugging you tight . R u in pain? R u happy? Why you hide things? Why you always keep a circle aound and dont allow anyone to cross that? Why you always keep the door of your heart shut? What you want to hide inside it? What you want to keep away from this world?
Let me know who are you? Let me meet the Real You!!!!!!

The Darker Side!!!

I cant see my face in the mirror...everytym I stand in front of mirror all I could see is a girl...wearing dark clothes....red eyes...sad..enigmatic...scattered hairs...crying.... I noticed that she was trying to say sumthing...sumthing that only she knows...some sins that she has committed...some desires that she cant share with anyone....some secrets she cannot disclose...some wishes that cannot be granted...her heart was full of regrets...regrets of sme decisions she has made....regrets of the tym she couldnt get back.....Her eyes were pouring revenge.....revenge she wants to take from life...for life has snatched things from her.. for life has made her alone in herself, for life has made this beautifule girl an evil being.
She wasnt uttering a word , but her eyes were saying everything....She closed her eyes and thoughts were visible from her face...she wants to live a life full of bliss, she wants to live without any fear, she wants all her things back from life, she was dreaming ...of a world where she was happy.....where she can live with no questions around, where she can live for herself..without any expectation, without any explanations...where everything was beautiful..where "she" could feel beautiful....where she dont has to sacrifice for others...and suddenly.... she opened her eyes and a drop of tear rolled out from her left eye. She was here again...in this REAL world...here..in front of me...and again... she emerged as a girl whose heart is full of agony and pain...regrets and desires....uncovered truth and broken dreams....
And that was "The Darker Side" of her life!!!!!!!!

Ambiguity of Life!!!!!!!!

Sitting in my office....doing nothin(phisically)...and thinking what to think...lyf is so full of uncertainities ,that smetym have to ask myself what really m i doing with my lyf......M i really doing the thing I wanted to? M I satisfied with my work? M I really satisfied with what m doing today? Mind is becoming ocean of thoughts....everytym...24*7 only thoughts...thoughts...n thoughts!!!!! Why cant I live normal lyf like my colleagues? I feel alone in crowd...i feel content being alone.....what is this? Is this me? Is this the REAL ME? People are talking around me...but I am not listening to them...Why cant I behave lyk all my female colleagues...talking and gossiping about one another. Everytym I try to be a part of that group I feel immensely uncomfortable....I feel irritated sometym...is their any problem with me? do I need a psychiatrist? I am not mad this is for sure...bt smething is wrong with me...I could feel that.
I asked myself thousand times what I really want to do in lyf...and nothing my mind and heart answer....Its not lyk that I dont have any dreams or I am sme irresponsible person with no ambitions in lyf. I do have. Bt If smeone asks me what I want to be after 5 yrs down the line....I cant answer such question. And I am not ashamed of it.
I see many of my frnds running after their dreams...I too am running...bt after which thing that I dont know....may be happiness, may be fulfillment, may be fame, may be power...gawd....so many things to run after.......
I wonder if it is compulsary to have a goal...to run after these things..Will I feel happy once I acheive these things. Then why people says that human needs are unlimited...If they are , then I am never going to fulfill all my needs, failing which I will never feel happy.
Is it mandatory to be like others? To do things what they are doing? To think lyk them? After all not every person could become a Tata or Birla. Ok I know not everyone is doing things to be Tata or Birla either(or may be..). But still.......
Anyways,have to get back to work. Will meet sme psychiatrist soon. :-)
As of now.....this is still a debate amidst my mind and heart. Though I am somewhat tired of this fight. But this is the only thing I do for MYSELF .

"U kw Mr.X is dating Ms Y these days........"
(Yawn)............My female colleagues(again)....

~Signing off~

Was it you???

Nothing has change...neither the way u look nor d way u smile...u came n sat beside me...your eyes..still filled wid so much of innocence...everytym i see them I fall in love with you all over again. No i dunn have to look in them ...why should I need to look into your eyes...Your lips ..still d same warmth and love...I saw them each tym you speak...they are so soft and tender....that mole on your chin still looks the most adoring thing to me in the world...Your shoulders ... as if nothing pacify my heart except them...I could hear your heartbeats...it was fast...as fast as mine....We both were trying to act normal but it was implacable....my heart was succumb...I could not sit lyk this and talk with you..smething is wrong between us...something has chaged...yes it does has......It is a fallacy to believe that everything is normal...no.. nothing is normal...bt say something....what?...plz... i'll not ask for any reason neither will I ask for any clarification..It wasn't your mistake..or may be it was....but forget all that happened...jst forget those seven months..you are here...this is the moment...say it...say what your eyes are saying...no.... pls dont look at me lyk this..this look of yours kills me...ok...i know....lyk every other ngt today also you are going to sit here whole night and say nothing......
Then,can I ask you something? Was it you who was in love with me? was it you for whom i decided to give up everythin? was it you who held me tight everytym i felt low? was it you who taught me to dream and to feel hpy fr small things around?Then y dont i found you today holding my hand when m feeling immensnely lonesome? Why dunn you break this silence between us and make everything allright? Why dunn you jst be the person whom I loved once? Why things have changed so much? Why exists this awkward distance between us? Why do I feel as if I am in aphelion?
No ...it cant be you. You cant be the same person with whom i spent most beautiful and memorable moments of my lyf. You cant be the one. Then who are you? Why do u cme everyngt and dunn let me sleep. Why every ngt I fnd tears rolling out from my eyes? Why every second your thought distract my mind? Who are you? Why cant you leave me alone? See, still you are standing there and smilling....smilling as if nothing has happen......plz go and let me sleep.......Its been months since I slept with peace in my mind...m tired....my eyes are burning.....m becoming insane...plz go n let me sleep......
ok....I kw this ngt also you are going to do the same........today also you are going to sit here whole night and will vanish as d ngt gt over.....fine...today's night is again for you and your thoughts!!!!!!!!!!!

Love- Passion and Regrets!!!!

Once upon a time, there was a bird. He was adorned with two perfect wings and with glossy, colorful, marvelous feathers. In short, he was a creature made to fly about freely in the sky, bringing joy to everyone who saw him.
One day, a woman saw this bird and fell in love with him. She watched his flight, her mouth wide in amazement, her heart pounding, her eyes shining with excitement. She invited the bird to fly with her, and the two travelled across the sky in perfect harmony. She admired and venerated and celebrated that bird.
But then she thought: He might want to visit far off mountains! And she was afraid, afraid that she would never feel the same way about any other bird. And she felt empty, envy for the bird’s ability to fly.
She felt alone.
And she thought: ‘I am going to set a trap. The next time the bird appears, he will never leave again.’
The bird, who was also in love, returned the following day, fell into the trap and was put in a cage.
She looked at the bird every day. There he was, the object of her passion, and she showed him to her friends, who said: ‘Now you have everything you could possibly want.’ However a strange transformation began to take place: now she had the bird and no longer needed to woo him, she began to lose interest. The bird, unable to fly and express the true meaning of his life, began to waste away and his feathers to lose their gloss; he grew ugly; and the woman no longer paid him any attention, except by feeding him and cleaning out his cage.
One day the bird died. The woman felt terribly sad and spent all her time thinking about him. But she did not remember the cage, she thought only of the day when she had seen him for the first time, flying contentedly amongst the clouds.
If she had looked more deeply into herself, she would have realized that what had thrilled her about the bird was his freedom, the energy of his wings in motion, not the physical body.
Without the bird, her life too lost all meaning, and Death came knocking at her door.’ Why have you come?’ She asked death. ‘So that you can fly once more with him across the sky.’ Death replied. ‘If you had allowed him to come and go, you would have loved and admired him even more; alas; you now need me in order to find him again’.

May be I'am Addicted!!

"Wake up Mansi...its already 12......" my mom shouted
"Let it be mom......who cares........its Sunday" n i again took my pillow on my face n slept. "Is it raining mom?" I asked
"Yes ... i just hate this rain sometime..it really add on my workload...so much mess it create all around"..she grumbled.
I jumped from my bed and went to balcony....god..its beautiful......I just loveeeeeee rain( i dunn think anyone in this world hate rains...except for my mom!!)....well this is october rain after all......rarely we gt a chance to feel rain in this month. I took up my coffee mug and put my i-pod on....coffee, music and rain...deadly combo.....sunday could not be better then dis.
"If I close my eyes forever, wud it ease the pain could i breath again"........Enrique...awesome lyrics!!!
I watched Agra fort from there(my balcony is famous for its Fort view)...I always adore its beauty..Dunn kw why ppl lyk Taj more then Fort....though I dunn have any special interest in these historical monuments.....still Fort plays a very special role in my life. I could sit here for hours and watch fort without blinking my eyes. And wen it rains..nothing could match the beauty of Fort.
Rain always brings one thing ....Memories.....As the drops of rain fell on my face,it takes me to a trance state...a state where I could only feel bliss and happiness all around. I could feel love..a zeal to live and an enthu to be happy always....It brings a message that no matter how worst the situation is......it is going to be alrgt...it will heal all the pain and vanish all the regrets and agony inside.
"Maybe I'm addicted, I'm out of control, but you're the drug that keeps me from dying.
Maybe I'm a liar, but all I really know is you're the only reason I'm trying. "
Music and memories are like drugs....and I am a big tym addicted of it......neither could I live widout music..nor widout memories..after all these are the only things which are mine...It is always the best thing to hold on memories(for me offcourse)....as no matter how near or far that person is..memories are yours and no one could snatch them from you.
Well....See I was writting about rain and I wrote about memories and music...now u cud feel how addicted I am...:-)
Neways, the best lines to merge all these things are here:

"Rain drops falling in my head,
and never knowing when it will end.
Should I run for cover,
or let another rain drop fall in my head again?
I would love to dance in the rain,
and knowing somehow it’ll help erase the pain.
Sometimes when I’m all alone,
and I see rain drops are falling outside again.
There’s happiness that I feel "

A meet with a stranger(Facts are stranger than fiction)

"Love needs no commitment, its all bullshit....if u love sumone, y u need a certificate of being committed?"
said my frnd ..
Big tym defender she is of "so called singles".
"No, love do need commitment. It gives u an assurance that both persons are answerable to their deeds. I mean if

you love each other wats the matter in committing the same." said another one. Now this grl is jst opposite of naina(the former one).
"Cut if off guys. There are still loads of topics to discuss. Pls. " that was me. Damn I really hate this discussion.
" Why dunn you ppl live your life in your own way? Why u need to discuss things in which you kw ,no conclusion is going to come up? This is not the first tym u ppl are discussing this topic. Why dunn you ppl jst shut up and let me drink this coffee in peace?"
But these girls ...they are jst too much.
"Some stories are by default incomplete".....uttered one guy sittin behind me.....I turned. A guy...
...mst be a nerd! Why is he poking his nose in our matter. I thought.
"Can I sit here ma'am?" He asked.
"Yeah sure, why not?" said naina
Typical girl....Why she allowed him to sit with us..I thought and stared naina with anger. She understood my expression. But it was too late, By that tym that guy has already joined our seat.
"Hi..I am Sambhav" he said .
"Hi.. m Naina, she is anu and she is .........."
"Mansi" He smiled.
"how do you kw?"
"Well...sry bt I was listening to your discussion. And I came to kw your name then only"
"Well.....good for you" I said. Actually I was gettin irritated with that guy. Why the hell on earth is he interested in our talks?
"Where r u from Sambhav? And what are you doing?" anu
"I am doing MBA from Symbiosis. Basically M from Pune. Came here with my frnds for a Taj Trip"
"Great...Symbiosis haan....cool" naina
"Yepps"
"Sambhav you were saying something. 'Some stories are......' "
"By default incomplete...yeah...Actually I was listening to wat u ppl were discussing, offcourse except Miss Mansi(smiled)......."
"You already have told us that" I said
"Ohhh....yeah....sry!!!!!......"
"But why are you saying that Sambhav? I mean any experience?...sry if m gettin personal...Bt still..this line na...it has something!!!!"
God, Naina n serious about lines.......now this is too much.......i thought
"hmmm........Veronica decides to die......Nice novel......so u read novels?" He saw the novel lying on the table.
"Yeah....only wen i gt tym...n dis was read long back....." I replied
"Great..."
"So Sambhav , tell us wat u think about commitments and love"
"Well .. if u ask me about love and committment, then I have only one thing to say...u really cant change your destiny. Its all written...no matter how much u fight or ask for the person in ur prayers n all...if hez their in your destiny he will come to you without any extra efforts..and if not then you are jst playing with your emotions and your life by asking for number of committments from that person. See, the thing is that number of couples promises each other to live and die together, to get married, to give up everything for their partner...but how many are actually able to fulfill all their commitments and promises?...So, If u ask me...i wud sat that do fall in love but dont commit sumthing which u r nt sure of...make that thing clear with your partner. Love is a beautiful feeling....and I think its the best thing a person can do for himself...to fall in love.Its just a matter of click....jst be honest in your relation and be loyal with your partner...thats all is needed!!"
"This guy is nt that bad ya...i mean he talk sense"......this was my mind.
"hmmm...interesting...seems u kw a lot about love n relationships!!!"..I said
"Thnk god u said something.....(smiled)..kidding....well yes u can say ...not "lot" but yes watever i have experienced till now is all that i said "
"Hello....yes I am coming in ten minutes....Ok girls...I'll take your leave now...have to rush... it was lovely speaking with you all" He said
"The feeling is mutual...."I replied
"Pleasure mam.......And one thing for u....dunn think much...jst do wat your heart says....n dont keep any expectations....it always hurts...goodbye" and he left.
While coming back I was only thinkin about wat he said...How easily he answered almost half of my questions(still not all.....not even God Brahma can solve all my queries)...So true he was...If someone is yours he will be your any how...and if hez not written in your destiny......no power in this world can make him yours. Jst leave this thing on destiny and do wat your heart says. Even I have seen my frnds, cousins...to fall in love and be in a relation for more then 5 yrs...and finally they end up so badly that today they cant even see each others face.....Fall in love, experience all excitement and butterflies but at the same tym ask your heart no keep itself prepare for the worst...you never know what will happen tomorrow....
Its like accounting rule...."Consider all the prospective losses and ignore all the prospective gains"...in the same way expect the best and be prepare for the worst!!!!!!!

(A poem is never finished; it's always an accident that puts a stop to it—that is to say, gives it to the public.)

My Wandering Thoughts!!!!!!!

A part of me was not there.....a part of me was still missing....I suddenly stood up n asked to leave...."Pls complete all your work first"...said my supervisor.
"Not nw Sir, pls"
"Ok...but make sure u complete all your work before coming to office tomorrow"
I was bursting out of anger...what is this...cant a person take some tym off even after working for 10 hrs ?
And that frustration was easily visible from my face. I took my bags and went back...my face was burning with anger...i preferred to walk......something was missing deep inside....wat i did? I thought. Omg....wat my colleagues will be thinking about me......how unprofessional i behaved today....wats the matter?
I realized ,i have changed. I am not the one which i were few months back...My emotions...they are now easily visible from my actions and face.Emotional breakdown is now a common thing for me. The thing which i hate the most, to display emotions in front of everyone. Damn what am I doing? M loosing myself.
"We're allowed to make a lot of mistakes in our lives, except the mistake that destroys us"- a quote from one of Paulo's book suddenly strikes in my mind. Have I committed the mistake which is now destroying me? Yes, I am destroying myself. I probably have those things today, which I wished for few months back...still m nt happy..still heart wants something else.Why do we have to listen to our hearts? may be coz , wherever your heart is, that is where you'll find your treasure. Treasure????? Now who is actually going to define its meaning? A question which always disturbs me since childhood. Who is going to decide the definition of right and wrong? Who is going to decide things good or bad for me? Who is going to decide black and white? Cant I live my lyf in gray? Should I do things which makes me happy or the society of which I am a part? Should I live for today or for tomorrow? If for today then who will be responsible for my tomorrow? Should I ask questions from my heart or should I keep myself quite as my brain instruct me to? Should I feel happy for the things I have today or should feel said coz things which were with me are not mine today? Should I feel sorry for ngt which remains alone or shud feel happy with day? Should I cherish past moments or feel regret I dunn have them today?..............
"Why so late today?"- asked mom
It took me about 15-20 mins to come back to senses and to realise that I have reached home and that too via walking(lolzzz)......Yes, I reached home and dont know when? This is what happen with me wen I start thinking. The reason why I avoid thinking but still enjoy it more then any other thing( God, I still enjoy atleast sumthing... :-).. )

The Untrodden Path

A path left far behind... a path decided not to walk on...a path full of regrets and pain...and today again found myself walking on the same path not knowing where this path will take. Why again a feel of helplessness has emerge? Have I again come on the wrong way? Is this path really not worth walking? Whats the ultimate destination of this path?
Why I cant see anyone around? why the surroundings are so dark? Why these roads are inactive? Am I the only one walking on this untrodden path? All I could see here are questions with no answers, All I could hear is the voice of devils asking me to quit, All I could feel is the fear unknown, fear of loosing something, sumthin deep close to my heart, All I could sense are the laughs of evil spirits on me. Why am I not my usual one today? Whats stopping me to laugh, whats stopping me to be happy?
Is this the untrodden path I wished for ?

"U Turn"

Well...i dunn think i ever thought that i'll b writting sumthing like this.......thank to life and its twist and turns that made me to write all this.
Why life is always so unexpected....Why it always happen that things come back in life in the most unexpected way? Someone has rightly said "Expect the Unexpected".
There was a time wen all the things were going as if they are never goin to settle down and I am goin to spin from dis direction to that.....There was a time wen i was left wid nuthing and today I dunn have tym enough to see wat is 'nuthing' and what is' everythin'. Things probably not have changed much in terms of self satisfaction but still why to always curse life for this? Satisfaction is something which is their deep inside us.
Few days back, my supervisor gave me a CD and gave me instructions to watch the whole film...the film was a sort of documentary movie named as "RAHASYA", mystery which we call. I dunn understand why suddenly out of blue he gave me that CD wen lots of official work is still pending from my side. Well i thought that's a nice break I cn take out of my busy schedule and atleast can give a time break to my "disturbed mind".
I watched the whole movie which was about of one and a half hour....."Okkk.....nw i gt why he gave me this CD"...i thought...that was coz of my "disturbed mind" itself......
"Is my mind still deviating? "I thought...probably not....coz i even dunn have tym to see my face in the mirror then how can my mind deviate as nw I' am not thinking anything which cud have disturbed my mind.
Next day I gave him back the CD and said "Sir, thnks for the CD. I literally liked it.But one thing I want to know,Why suddenly u felt to give this CD to me?" He smiled....as always ..in a sarcastic way ...and said...."Ok Mansi, jst tell me wat u actually learned from this movie?"...
"Well Sir, this movie was all about the power of thinking...how every person in this world attract things towards him...good or bad..jst by thinking about the same thing. For instance, if I consistently think that I am going to flunk in this exam then actually I will not be able to clear my exam. In the same way if I think something good again and again, then I am actually attracting that thing towards me.So, only by thinking good and positive aout people and things around, I can do justice with my destiny. Th whole idea of the movie was to think good things and not to keep any ill feelings for anything and any person"...He smirked....may be he was able to do wat actually he wanted to....I cud see that expression on his face."So...u gt your answer, their is always a reason for everything. Dunn ever ignore that msg.".... he said and went to his cabin.
Hmmmm.......he was right actually...yes..everything happens for a reason...and that thing happen coz of our pessimist thinking. Few months back I thought that I'll never be able to forgive some peoples and some incidents in my life...and these things are never going to come back in my life....but see the irony...these things not only came back in my life...I forgive those things so easily that even I am suprised how can such things happen? Few months back I almost considered myself as a victim of depression, but today I dunn have tym to think about anything(which is always a gud thing to avoid evil thoughts).....and yes..I am feeling relieved and happy with the things I am having today in my life...Yes, these things may not be completely mine , but still, I can at least feel those things for the time being. Something is always good then nothing.
Who knws these things cud become mine tomorrow..."Life is Always Unexpected....It always takes a U turn."

Ankahee!!

7th Dec 2008 9:30 pm
Oh! he is calling? bt y? gawd, my(Sementha) heart starts beating faster.....
"Hello" I said
"Hi" he replied
Didnt know how to react I said, "Hi".
" I have left some books for you, they will help you in your Exam. Take them from David" he said.
"I already have ample of them, I dont need them" I said, pretending to b normal.
" No, jst collect them from him . M nt going to keep them again in my bags"
"Hmm......wen r u leaving?" I asked
"Tomorrow morning, at 6."
"ok. Take Care"
"You too, Bye"
The call gt over, n so our relationship. Damn me..Y didnt I asked him d reason? Y didnt I asked him ..... Questions starts bulging inside my heart.
12:30 am.
" All d best for your life. May you gt wat all u want . God bless you. Take Care"
I msgd him....waited for his reply...."Thnx for your wishes. have just left this place", he replied at 8 am.
Thousands of butterflies started flying inside my stomach. Is it really over? Will I never be able to see him again ever? Will I ever be able to talk to him again?
And like every other love story, my story also ended up like a "Sad Love Story". My mind gt back to d day wen we first met. Day of our counseling. 27th july 2006.We came on the same day of counseling..and fortunately or unfortunately got d same class, and then the whole flash back starts running infront of my eyes as if m watching sme movie, in which me n him r the protagonist....
Whole night I jst thought of all the tym, good or bad, we had spent together......and that night continued till date and is still goin on......

Sometym I jst wonder why relationships, for which we are very devout, end up like this. Why smwtym love carries us into the abyss, to make matters worse wid the ppl we love. Nothing in life is eternal, bt why love has to go like this from my life? After giving so much to a relation and loving someone so intensely, can we fall in love again? Everything around seems to b so awful (even me)..that I cannot fnd any way around. I read once that "Your destiny is seldom linked to those who walks away from you". Then, wats der in my destiny? When everyone around is happy, why only I cant see any bliss around? Will my future awaits the burial of my past?
I dont know wthr he is happy or not, wthr he remembers me or not....Bt I am not happy, and neither I will be, ever. Coz that pain and agony just burns inside me each and every second i live......live??? well dunn kw really shud I use this word or not....coz I dunn kw wthr m living or just walking on the path of life, going where life is taking me. I pretend a happiness I dont feel, I hide my sadness so as not to worry those who loves me and care about me.
But yes, as every person and every incident is written in your destiny to teach you something, I too learned few things about life and its mystery. I read in one of Paulo's book that "The vertex is hidden inside us, and we can reach it if we accept it and recognise its light". So true.
Despite the fact that everything contradicts, despite my sadness and my feeling of powerless, despite being almost convinced at this moment that nothing will ever get better, I cannot lose onething that keeps me alive :Trust, in me and my 'karma'( as i strongly belive in the power of 'karma'). I dunn kw wat will happen tomorrow.
I dunn kw wthr I will ever feel the same happiness or joy of life, when i'll b able to live a normal life ,But I believe that regardless of our age or circumstances, we are capable of keeping alight in our heart the sacred flame of HOPE.

FRIENDS

"I sought them far and found them,
The sure, the straight, the brave,
The hearts I lost my own to,
The souls I could not save
They braced their belts about them,
They crossed in ships the sea,
They sought and found six feet of ground,
And there they died for me."
Friends, Pals, mates....call them by any name, meaning remains the same..
Friends are that part of life who can die for you..and dunn even ask u a question ..
They met u as a stranger and become your soul, they give hundred reasons to fight n millions to smile, they fight with you and then take you in your arms, they irritate you jst to bring the hell out of u n then laugh with u lyk insanes...Yes, they are friends.
We started wen we dunn even kw wat friends are...and today, its time to say goodbye's to one another. Today, one of my sweetest pearl is going, tomorrow another will go, and one by one we all will get busy with our lives...Bt the time we had spend together, those continuous laughs, those movies, bunking tutions and roaming here n der, those night stay, birthday parties, rains, partying without any reason, teasing, shopping....thousands of beautiful memories like these....will remain beneath our heart ,forever.
You ppl r d reason why I still smile , the reason why this place is still beautiful, y der exists immense attachment with every small thing. In lows or ups..you were always beside me, smilling ang giving me thousand reasons to cherish. You ppl are my soul and I Love You more then I love myself.
No matter how close or far we will be, We'll always b the same.....ALWAYS, stupid, cracking PJ's, with our ridiculous talks and reasons.

(Miss ya guys....love you......)

For you.....may you rest in peace

Life and death are the two unseperable part of human life.....

A grl...very lively, jovial, cheerful, full of life....a grl who loved everyone...n everyone loved her...always ready to help anyone...Very beautiful, cute, freindly.
I dunn know her personally...never do i hv met her ...neither i talked with her ever....bt der are certain pplz who left a long lasting impression in ur heart...in your soul...and when they go away...only memories lefts....
Few mnths back i ws jst peepin into my cousin's profile...there i came across d profile of a grl.. khushbu(name changed)..i saw her scraps in his(cousin's) profile...she seems to be very jolly natured grl...dunn kw why bt i sort of liked her. I visited her profile and after reading her full profile i gt dis idea dat dis grl is really nice...her life mst b full of colours, happiness, enthusiasm...she mst b a person with positive vibes.
Next day i asked my cousin about her...he said "This grl ws jst an orkut frnd..bt nw i have met her several times...shez a vry gud frnd of mine...and is really a sweetheart." After that I sumhw came to kw few things about her. Well as far as I kw her...shez a grl ,every boy wants in life... friend, every person wants to be with....optimistic, lives for today. Well...I even smetym thought to be lyk her...really...without even meetin ot talkin wid her ever.
Well...time passed by....Today, when I opened my orkut account...I gt a scrap from my cousin...He was soundin depressed and tensed.I asked him the reason....and reason was so shocking that even while writting all this, I am feelin terrible and still nt able to believe his words. "Khushbu is no more, she died last night coz of asthma attack.".................
His words are still echoing beneath my mind and heart. How can this happen? How can god be so rude? How can he take away such peoples? Is this life?
I dunn kw why pplz says watever happens , happens for gud? I dun kw wat gud god has hide behind this?
We dont have control on few things in life...Death is one of them...

Race Of Life

"A friend in need is a frnd indeed"- a very popular phrase...repeated by my trainer during her lecture regarding personality development. What does it has to do with the personality?...I thought...does it? I remained quite , not wanted to distract her from her path which I always do.
She continues...giving various examples on life, office grapevine, rumours(how to deal with them), personal and professional relationships....the lecture lasts for about two hours...bt the question remained dere....wat it really has to do with our professional life?
After the lecture gt over, I went to her, She was expecting me ,as always, with a big smile. I asked her "We are going to be the part of this market where emotions rarely plays a role. We hardly get time to interact with people over there...will it be possible for us to remain in touch with our friends? Do this corporate world really has any place for friends, emotions, relations and all? I think once we are in the market, we can easily look over our triffle personal issues as we got to do so much of work there. Then why are you giving examples of life, friends, relations here? What is the need of even discussing things which plays almost no importance in the market?"
She asked "Do you have any sort of problem these days?" I said "Sort of, but thats not an issue,Once I'll jump in this market,i'll never bother for these things. Only I want to take my proffesional life at zenith"
She asked "Are you sure?"
Now at that point of time I was always stammering. She said "Think over it".
I came back..and for the whole day I just thought upon her one statement "Are you sure?" Wasnt M sure? why I stammered when she asked me that? I called her up and asked her that I really dont know the answer of that question. She said "Just think and you'll come to know, I want that answer from you".
I had no other option but to think, as this is my favourite task 'to think'.
I still dont know how to answer her question. But yes, I know that no matter how close or how far you are, you always need someone to be beside you. Your friend, your parents, your partner...anyone..anyone. There comes a time when we just run after our dreams like mad. We dunn even bother to see who all were walkin with us when we just started. We just run.. after all we have to fulfill so many dreams of ours.We never see peoples who helped us to stand up again wen we fall, we dont see those who were there with us when we were nothin...just standing in a queue, waiting for our chance to run. We never look at those who cheered for us when we were running. We just run...and finally reach at our destination. Happy, jovial, feelin like a king...and then we look back...for our friends, loved ones....But.....no one is there...not even miles away....where are they?...well, we left them far behind...behind when we were running..madly, aggresively...to accomplish our goal, not caring for anyone...just thinking about ourselves....and then ...we're left with nothing...nothing to cherish, to feel happy....we have lost everything in this race of life.
I havent answered her yet...coz i kw..she was right. No matter how much successful and content you are...these peoples, relations, who were with you in you downs are really the relations worth keeping when you are at your ups. Some relations are just unmeasurable. We'll meet ample of peoples when we go up in our professional life.........Bt we'll never be able to find such relations, such friends, such peoples ever in our life again.
We just tend to forget peoples when we step up the ladder....and thats the time when we actually know ourself what sort of person we are? Can we just let go anyone who was with us when we were nothing for the sake of our career? Can we forget all the things which he did for us when we needed him the most? Can we ever be able to forgive ourself to actually break the trust and relation with that person?
The answer is upto our conscience. Some peolpes still values relations and some still thinks they can do anything if they are professionally strong. They think that relations can be made if you have power,everything in life can wait or can keep on hold....But sumthings never come back, NEVER!!!!!!!!

Search For Happiness...

"Bagiya bagiya balak bhage, titli phir bhi haath na lage,
Is pagle ko kaun bataye, dhoond raha hai jo tu jag mein,
Koi jo paye to mann me hi paye"

I have been searching for happiness.....all in the world....i found nothin....someone told me dat happiness is in making others happy...i made others happy ,bt still my search didnt end...anotherone said dat happiness is a matter of love...love sum1 n u'll feel happy..i did dat also.....n all i got is sadness n pain... my search, still continues..Others said to wait for it, i waited soooo long...bt it nvr came to me...Not knowing wat to do..i sat in peace n ask my heart dat wat is d matter? Why after doing so many things, m still alone and unhappy? Why i always chase for happiness n gt nuthin...my heart said silently...."D day wen u start to live widout any expectations, D day wen u start living for me(my heart), D day wen u start understanding the meaning of life, D day wen u start living for urself.....U'll get wat all u want.Expectations hurts, Company of others makes u lonely, N past gives u pain....So start living for urself, live for 2day, U r d one who cn make urself happy......" N den i found dat he ws rgt......My heart whom i have been ignoring for so long, is d reason y m alive...after giving so much pain n chaos to it, it still beats for me....supports me, trust me, undertsands me.

(Dedicated to my best pal....hope ur search will end soon......)

Touching Desires With Silence

If today would my last day to live,
I wud fulfill all my desires,
A day without any pain, A day with complete bliss,
A Day when I have everyone, and thers's no one to miss,
A day when everyone loves me
A day without any agony,
A day with my loved ones,
A day with siblings and mum,
A day without any Tear
A day without any fear,
A day when I laugh out loud,
A day when I'll happily shout,
A day spend with my best pals,
remembering all those memories left so far,
A day when heart overflowing with love,far away from all hatred and pain around,
A day when again I live my life and feel beautiful things surround,
A day just different from today,
A day full of colours and away from hey,
But,this day is not my last day to live,and so I'am touching desires with silences,
Hopin one day i'll again live, I'll again laugh and become wat I really am....