What is forever? I mean how do you define it? By the time you are alive? By the memories that remains? By the time you were with someone? By the promises made that was never meant to complete? Does forever really exist? And if it does…has it proved its existence ever?

I once believed in it. Like we all believe in god. Feelings his presence and never been able to see him. Like we ‘trust’ that god exists, we feel the presence of the superpower that keeps you going. In the same way, this believe that forever exist, keeps you going in a strange way. Coz no matter you have seen it or its presence has not been proved..it gives you a reason to fight…a reason to stand up everytime you fall coz you know that ‘forever’ is with you..standing at a distant place…encouraging and motivating you to continue walking and never stop.

But what when you reach that point of saturation? What when you realize ‘Dat’s it!’, It’s over now…the myth..the mirage, that there was no ‘forever’ ever. Yes, it will hurt you, making you weak down the knees. You know, ignorance is bliss..but it’s time to face the reality. There is no such thing as forever for me now. Not even feelings stay forever. Love, hatred, friendship, anger, fear…they all come and go. And likewise people in your life. I always believed that everything has a life of its own. And once the life is over, there is no use in keeping it on ventilator and causing pain to it. It’s better to end it and let it go. It will cause pain too, great pain infact,watching something dying in front of your eyes which you nurtured for years. But the pain too will fade someday. It has to. Coz nothing is permanent, only change is!

But what if the pain remains? What if it never fades? Does that mean the ‘thing’ did not died? That there still was some life left in it when you said it goodbye? Is that why the last conversation, the last goodbye is necessary? To know whether it has died completely or there still is some life left in it. Was that a mercy killing from your part coz you could not see the pain and agony anymore? Who will be held responsible for it? Who need to feel guilty for the same? Who will feel restless all the life? I don’t know the answer of any of this. Maybe I am still not clear with the rule of life. But for how long? And who will decide the destiny of ‘forever’? Who will decide it’s time to hold on or let it go?

She...She just believed!

When a person leaves your life..he leave a place that is almost impossible to fill by any other person. It is said that time is the biggest healer, it mends all wounds. It is said that with time..memories fade too, that whoever you meet….whoever you think will be by your side all your life would someday show you the real picture. That even the best of relations, even the beautiful of memories, even the nostalgia would cease to exist someday. Not because you want it, but because this is what life is all about. This is why we meet people for…to make memories and to move on.
“Forever it is!” He said that…or rather claimed. She…She just believed.
“No one else, if you’re not there.” He repeated thousand times. She….She just believed.
“My personal life is not separate from you. You know it all, you’ll always know” He shouted. She believed.
“I will never ever leave you alone. I will be with you always no matter what happens” He said. She believed.
“The whole universe is at one side, and you are at the other side…and I am at your side.” He whispered. She believed.
“You are above all. Your value is above all. You are even above the only girl I love the most.” He stated. She….She just believed.
“I don’t want to filth the name of our friendship, but it happened. I love you! “ He exclaimed. She…like always…believed.
“I would never be able to love anyone else except her ever in my life” He sobbed. She believed.
“What you have to do with my personal life? I have my own space” He shouted. She believed.
“I love someone else, there is no use feeling bad about it. I am gonna propose her soon” He exhaled.
She….
Still trying to believe.
He found his way with someone else. She….She is still trying to gasp for a single breath. Trying to find reasons…trying to find when this all happened? When the first dialogue changed into the last one? When, who claimed to value her more than anything else, found his own way and she….she is just standing alone.
He claims to be alone. He claims that she left her. She could not say anything, coz everytime she tries to…all she could see around are questions which need to be answered. But to whom she would ask for answer? Coz the only person who could, she has lost all her right on him long back. And what prevails today inside and around her is SILENCE.

No more teachings...I have learned enough 'Dear Life'

“ I have become weak. Very weak. Emotionally, mentally…n somewhere deep down physically. “
“Or maybe…you are becoming stronger. Much stronger”
“I don’t know. This is not what I planned for. These changes were not in the list”
“But then, this is life. You can’t predict…you can’t help”
“I feel alone”
“Everyone is. And no one is. Accept it and move on.”

Conversations of this type happen daily. Sometimes between me and my mind and sometimes with my friends and family. But the question remains. Where have I headed towards? What life am I living now? What cost have I paid for falling in love again and losing it before I realized what blunder I have commit. A stage where even my parents have lost the hope to understand me. Everyday, I wake up with the broken pieces of my being and try to re-collect them. But every day I find one or the other piece missing. I don’t understand why is it such a compulsion to change? Why is it so important to fake happiness? Why is it so important to lie just to become a part of the group? Why things and people around change and give you reasons that even they don’t believe in?

Everyday…m losing trust…losing faith…or rather I have lost faith in everything around. No, I am no more disappointed…m no more sad or gloomy…m no more expecting anything out of anything. I am just amazed you know…AMAZED and I am literally smiling sarcastically while looking around. It’s a practical world you see! People are pragmatic towards life…towards career and even towards their social circle. It’s a mutual beneficial society. We no more make but select friends. We no more fall but choose to love. We no more feel but avoid feeling anything. We close our eyes and believe that the world is nothing but a black hole.

This is the world we live in today. Yes, believe me you that one day….one day even the best of person in your life would let you down…one day even your best friend would leave you for someone else…even your parents would fail to understand you…people who said would always stand by your side would ask you to find someone else. Coz this is life…it’s neither good nor bad…it’s just LIFE!

Hard to accept? You all must be feeling that I am just frustrated and depressed about my life and hence this post. Then let me make one thing clear…I am not. I am not an inch frustrated at the moment. Infact, I have never been this clear to myself. I have never seen the world this crystal clear. I have never been this honest to my soul and my mind.

I still don’t know whether I have accepted the truth, whether I am coming to the terms of it or have I become a rebel. Is there any love left within me or have I become numb? But yes…I have understand one thing…that in this ever changing world…only change is constant.

Life and it's teachings!

ife….it teaches you things which you never thought you would ever need. It teaches you to live alone…to smile in pain…to believe that there is nothing like forever…to accept that people leave…even the best person in your life would turn their back on you and you have to live alone someday…it teaches you to let things go….to accept the reality that if someone is not willing to be with you, you can’t make them stay…that value changes….priority changes…that this world is not only black and white…that at some point of time you have to give your toy to someone else…no matter how much your heart weep to see someone else playing with it. It teaches that heart break…more than once…that failing in love is worst than a broken heart..that rejection is toxic…too toxic to accept…that this world is running behind a mirage….an unidentified love…a crave. You’ll learn that relations change…that you can never ever back upon anything and say it will remain yours…forever….coz there is nothing like such.

This life is not bad…but it’s not fair too. Why it makes us learn thing the hard way? You know giving something to you and then snatching in the worst of way. Why we stop loving ourselves coz someone right their in your heart doesn’t love us? Why we become slave of our emotions? Are we that weak? Or we have become one? How do you feel when the world around take a state to resolve the issue between you and your heart? Who the hell are they to interfere between you both? Don’t you feel dejected and embarrassed coz now the whole world knows you have been deprived by your owns? This is a tough world to live in for the people like us. Like we emotional fools…who, when care for a person loses every shackles and boundaries. We, who cares…cares and keep caring with tears in eyes and a little hope in heart to get the same love as before…same place as before. We remember old times and people make fun of us coz we are strucked up in the good old days…the time of togetherness…the time when only ‘we’ exist…no third party…no involvement of this world. People make fun of us coz we can’t fake…if we love someone…we say that with no regrets…if we hate someone,….we show that with no embarrassment….

This is me…just the way I am…people ha sloved me..hated me..left me…but I am still me…I love each and every part of my past…the people those were lost in the tide…the people I am losing today…but I’ll love them….today and forever…coz the only thing which life failed to teach me is to ‘CHANGE WITH TIME AND BE SELFISH’!

I Quit!

The age has come, the life is over and the ventilator couldn’t work anymore. There is no use in trying to extend the life of something which is dead already. Is it any? So…what to do now? Coz I am broken…so badly this time that I can’t try any more..not even an inch! Things change with time..that’s the universal truth that everyone knows including me…but I don’t believe in relations that change with time…I don’t believe in bonds, trust and faith that change due to circumstances…and if they do..then it’s time to let them go…to let go of even the most dear thing from your life. Keep the memories with you…like we keep of the person who is no more with us. We accept the fact that he has to go..but we do not stop loving him/her. The same is with life….and with people…time come and they have to go…you have to let them go…keeping the good/bad moments with you..forever…coz nothing but the memories remains! And hence I QUIT! I quit from the insanity….the possessiveness…the boundations….the suffering I gave you! I quit from the sympathy…the obligations…from the lies and things you hide! I quit from the days spent in trying n making things alright…and ruining them again the very next day. I quit from the avoidance…the ignorance….the sharing of you with each and everyone around…of watching you walk away…of getting counted nowhere….of being nameless in your life..of crying and making you cry each night! Those moments of despair, the agonies and cries, the fights to make things alright the solutions that were never right and then....after days and months that very exact moment when u know its time to let it go! let it go!

The voices inside!

If I could write what’s going inside my mind…you’ll see a paper filled with black lines…just lines…drawn with no proper synchronization. No words…no sentences…just lines drawn one over another…all over the page. This is what the state of my mind is. Blank. Or maybe too many thoughts running at the same time. I feel exhausted. I feel numb. I feel like a one standing in the middle of the road…and every damn person crossing by is laughing at me. I feel like shouting….shouting back to the world for their voices…their laughs is making me mad. I never wanted this phase is my life again….the phase where my mind and heart fights with one another for each passing second and oh lord! I feel weak…so weak to even ask them to stop and let me live in peace. And for the first time ever in my life…I feel homesick! My dad was always right…there is no one in this world who will stand by your side…your friends, your best friend…even your love will stand apart when the time comes. You have to fight this battle alone. Don’t make favorites’, do not trust blindly, do not fight for a person with the world….live for your own too! But such a fool I was…such a fool that in this journey I forgot I have a life too…I started living for someone else…sometime for my love..sometime for my friends…and sometime for the relation undefined….and today when I look around…I see this world laughing at me…coz everyone else has made their made way….everyone else has choose their path…has make friends for benefit…some got new friends…some got partners…and I stand here…still….bewildered…confused like a moron…searching for the ones who were here with me till yesterday….but I find them nowhere around today! P.S: These voices are making me insane…is it the world laughing at me or I am laughing at myself?

Keeping mum....for you!

When he left…for worse or for better I don’t know…but when he did…I thought there will be no one ever in my life who’ll effect my being with such a strong intensity….who’ll change me brick by brick…wall by wall and make me a person so closed with everybody…coz with time this one stranger became my reason for existence….my reason to feel happy…my reason of being sad. I never realized with time what am I becoming as a person…what weakness I am developing beneath the strong persona that I carry. But it is said that distances makes you realize things you never thought exist. We were ‘WE’ then….no ‘I’ and no ‘You’….u know…’We’ we were. We had each other in each other’s life….just each other. Things were good. Things changed with time…today when I look at ‘We’… I find ‘Me’ and ‘Him’. To the changes…..I still have him….he has ‘too many me’s’…u know….too many for me to handle. I fought…I cried….I spend hell of sleepless nights…for asking for ‘We’…for making ‘I’ and ‘You’ become ‘We’ again…but you never realize how and when things change so abruptly!

I still hold a place I know…but the security has lost…of togetherness….of trust! And with time I realized it’s of no use fighting for it. So I decided….to keep mum! I have decided not to utter a single word now. I may destroy myself in the suffocation…I may weep all night coz I want to talk about so many things…coz I want to listen that voice again each night like before…but I would never ever say this…never ever express what am I missing…and what person I will become in this process of self destruction!

Yes, I made a mistake. I started feeling something I shouldn’t have….but I am not the only culprit here. The only difference is my feelings don’t change overnight….or it does not depend on the entry or exit of any third person between us. Coz I know my priorities and it does not change with time. The person, who was special for me, still is! I don’t treat people like trash and I know who deserves what. I would not value him less if ever my past comes back to me. Not even an ounch. But guess I need some reality checks now…I need to understand that this world is place where people are with you only when they need you…once the need is over and your substitute is available….you’ll be no more than just a name in the phonebook. You become just an obligation to fulfill.<> And hence, I have decided…to not express…to not share…to keep mum! And exit with silence….slowly….steadily. Coz this is the best thing to do..leaving for good….leaving for you!

Funny it is! The life I live...the breathe I take....the smile I wear....the tears that flow... Funny it is...the life it is!!!

TIME!

There is this phase in your life when all you could see around is a complete silence. Where you see that even the most important thing of your life is lying in front of your eyes and you could do nothing but to look at it and realize that its time in your life is complete. Where you are entitled as just ‘an option’ when you were labeled as priority once. You realize that promises, faith, trust, forever are just other words to complete sentences and mean nothing. When you look at yourself in the mirror, you laugh at the one standing in front of you coz s/he has made such a fool of himself/herself all these years. There comes a time when you realize that sometimes distances are actually beautiful and closeness would show the ugly picture behind the beauty. A time when you actually feel what ‘numbness’ means and how things change within fraction of seconds. Surprised? Shocked? No, you feel nothing but a strange silence and even tears fail to flow this time. You realize that you have reached a stage where life seems to make no meaning. When the efforts you put on to make something happen just proved to be worthless coz someone else is enjoying its luxury. The garden you sowed with so much of love and trust, the fragrance of the grown flowers is enjoyed by someone else. Strange it is….this world! Sometimes it makes you complete in loneliness and sometimes loneliness eats you up in the crowd of known strangers!

The same ME and the same YOU!

Can't believe it's US. The same me.The same you. So much has changed. Almost everything.Will things be same? Ever? The same me and same you? Will you hold on again? Ever? This night is void. You know. Like my thoughts. Like my life. Like me.
Will you come back? The old you? Or have you moved too far? Can you see that hole?The one with nothing inside. Look closer. Can you see anything? Yes...That's you and only you there. That hole? That's a hole in my heart!

Coz I have always been a mediocre!

I have always been a mediocre. Average looks, average in studies, average in other activities, average in relations (no..actually I suck in relations). I never did anything that could make me feel proud. I lived a life like millions of people living …actually surviving on this planet. Nothing extraordinary. Nothing different. Nothing which could separate me from the crowd. My parents think I am pretty good in studies, mature and responsible. My friends think I have the potential to do tough things. My colleague thought I am strong and determined. My mentor thought I am made for something bigger. But isn’t what almost all parents, friends, mentor think about their children, friend and students respectively? So, where am I making a difference? Living like a nobody. Will die like a nobody. Not a great daughter, not a loving friend, not a darling best friend, not a caring sister, not an apple of anybody’s eye, not a prolific writer, not a passionate reader, no great ambitions, no great life.

When I look back at these 24 years, I could only see broken relations, tears, my pathetic expectation from people I loved and cared for, expectation to get a place in their life…to be ‘someone’ from a ‘no one’ in their heart, to love and be loved, to be their for them anytime and everytime they needed me and want them to be my side during my lows. To cross any boundary for them coz I loved them, to make my parents understand that I am not a cold-blooded person…I too love them…I too care for them. To make my friends understand that the most important thing I expect from them is truth and honesty. To make my best friend understand that no one is more important to me in this world than him…to make him understand that its a best of friend expecting her best friend to be by her side always….to make my brother understand that I am not as bad as I seem to be, it’s just that I am concerned. I don’t want him to make the same mistakes that I made once.

But I am a mediocre; I can’t even express all this. Such a pathetic loser I am. And I guess it’s over now…the time…to make everyone realize that I exist. Coz no one cares…coz no one cares for a mediocre. Even my cry is like a noise to them now. I guess it’s time to stop trying and make a silent exit from their lives. No more ‘please-try-to-understand’ drama coz no one will. Ever.

P.S: I am not bad. I am just a mediocre. Guess being a mediocre is bad.

It's not worth the pain!

Oh I so wanna write today
But words have ditched
Tired of feign the smile
Tired of making up life
Don’t want sunshine but why not a clear sky?
Don’t want laugh but why not a true smile?
Everything is right yet so wrong around
Don’t want to apologize for sin I never carried on
Holding on or make it free was never a choice
Strucked up coz few things still mean
Moving on is never a tough choice to make
But leaving things behind was never a choice I made
If God exist then please let this phase pass fast
It’s not easy to fight with the one in the glass
Oh dear heart you’re sick and week
This world is still a mystery
Find your way and start walking alone
Coz this is a world where relations are never known
Don’t be surprised to see people walk away
This is life and its gotta be this way
There was a reason for people to be in your life
Now the job is done and the reason is gone
Feel free and stop caring
Coz this world is so full of lies and hypocrites
Make yourself free from the painful attachments
Coz it’s not worth the pain

Writing for Myself :)

I don’t remember when was the last time I felt like this….so free…so within myself. I am not sober today. But that’s not the reason. I got a puppy today for which I have been waiting for so long. That too is not a reason. I finally met and talked with my best friend regarding the tensions going between us. That too couldn’t be the reason. But you know what….Who damn wants to know the reason?? Who wants to indulge in logics and PnC’s ? Not me for sure! After so long I am feeling a strange satisfaction….and I do not want to hold it…I just want to live it…even for once…I just want to live it and breathe it with all my lungs and heart pumping with the best of its capacity. Happy? Excited? Ehhhh….Who cares? As long as I have this feeling!
This phase is tough that I am going through….and moments like today gives you immense power to build up self-confidence and make you realize that yes…things will get fine…that there’s always dawn after night…that every problem comes with a solution….that you’re not the only one dealing with problems like these.
I know I am sounding too optimist and full of life today….and you MAY read a post full of pain and same pessimism within two days….but why lose today? Why not share moments like today when you’re so full of yourself? Isn’t? Ehhh….I guess I should get back to my errands and live this moment….and yeah…hope things like this continue for sometime till I get back to life

A person I never want to be!

I have been writing a lot these days. Writing whatever coming through my mind…incomplete, scattered, all over my diary. Yes, I have started writing diary again. Not that I write everyday of my life there…but yes things that I want to remember that happened…things I want to keep with myself all my life long. The way my life has turned into a phase where everything around is just going out of control including myself! I have totally lost control over myself and my people around. But the point is, there is no sense in controlling things now…I have been trying to do it for quite sometime now and I could not see an ounch of improvement in anything around. Perverts will remain perverts, people who actually care will keep on doing so….and during this time…many true colours emerged.
Today, this pain has become unbearable. For there is no other way to bear the pain, to get back the life that used to be, to smile without efforts, to breathe without suffocation, to look into mirror and does not find a stranger standing, to feel for once, to laugh for once or smile atleast, to be.......JUST ME!!
I need a break…from everyone around…from everything. It’s time to make few decisions…few steps need to be taken. I don’t know from where and till when I’ll be able to gather strength enough to stand by them…coz still there exist a part within me which still cares, which still cries for the loved once, which still seeks love….but it’s not worth it anymore….this love, this care, this concern!
I don’t know whether I have started hating the world or it’s the other way around….whatever it is….either it will destroy me or I’ll be a person I never want to be!

World against me or I against world!

There is this whole odd world out there..you know! Lots of things are happening around. Things you do not understand…things that scares you…things that bring the hell out of you….things you never thought could ever happen..things that were never meant to happen. But, this is life my dear. It gives you the worst gift in the best package and vice-versa.
There are things for which you fight with all your strength ,you know…you fight because that’s what you think is right and the only way to keep that thing with you. You try..put thousands of efforts coz you want it anyhow with you. And in this fight…you forget that there is life on the other side of the table, which is playing its own game. It’s own game of jealousy, distrust, insanity, greed and insecurity. And you…you are just a puppet standing at this side of the table. You want to fight with it? Can you? Haven’t you tried it already and still trying? What fool you have made out of yourself?
Stop. Take a break. Come out of the drama and look at things from above. Do you see what’s happening? Do you see where you have been befooled? Do you realize what value you lost in this battle? Do you realize what part of has been lost in this mess? Do you still want to fight? Do you still trust that world is not a selfish place? That people are with you just because of their benefit and not because they actually care? That love is just an illusion. And aren’t you with people for your own benefit? This is a ‘mutual benefit society’ we live in. We are here for our own motives and they are for their own. Haven’t you seen your day to day losing value in the life of the people you love? You know why? Coz your work in their life is complete…coz the things which you could do for them is over now….and so is your place…and so is your value. Take a deep look and realize that you can’t fight destiny…you can’t fight lie…you can’t fight with people you love. Let it be now! Leave the things as they are…coz if you have to fight so much…they are not worth being with you…and if they really are your’s..then you have fight enough to keep them with you!
Let the drama get over…let the world moves as it wants to be…let the things as they are…let them decide for they want you or not…stop losing yourself…stop being an option for them….do not give yourself up so easily for them…live with your dignity…coz if they can’t respect you as a person…if your words doesn’t hold any value…then it never will…and you’ll always remain just a topic for them to discuss.
Come out of the Drama and look for another dimension.

The battle of trying to be strong!

You know it is very awkward and strange when you have known a person for so long and suddenly you see a stranger in his eyes. You feel as if you never met this person before. You’re trying to identify what changed and what went wrong but every time you put a step forward, that person put three steps backward. You know all the lies and you know the ignorance and avoidance. Still you try to make things normal as you don’t want to lose on relation once again. You try to be strong and act strong when actually you are dying every second inside. You feel like a fool coz you know all his lies and he thinks he is able to befool you. You do not say anything coz you still trust him and expect that once day he’ll state the truth. But you also know that once the game of ‘lie’ starts…it’s rare that the things get fine and the game ends anytime soon. Coz once a liar, always a liar. You still wait for the day..and in this battle of making things right..not you…but he loses the ‘real’ you…he loses the care and love…he loses the true relation . But what kind of relation it is that needs to be managed so much? What kind of bond you were so proud of when there are only lies in it now? Till when you will pretend and feign that things are fine…that you are strong…when you know nothing is and maybe will never be.

That little thing in my heart is lost!

There is void all around. Nothing seems to make any meaning. No reasons, No justifications can make me breathe like before..make me feel like before. Maybe the words have lost their value or maybe I have lost something very important deep inside. Feels as if I laugh vague…I smile vague. I feel incomplete…empty inside.
Maybe this was the phase I was scared of. This was the emptiness I was running from. Till yesterday, I had atleast one assurance that no matter what happens..you will always be beside me…like you always had. But this one month was more of a self-hatred period for me. Coz apart from the world..it was you whom I have always believed and still do..but that little thing in my heart has lost..that little love and trust…I don’t know where it has gone. We are not lovers…we can never be…we don’t have any future together..it could never be…but the place you have is so special that no one can ever take it.
I don’t know whether things will ever become same….I don’t know if I would ever be able to share things like before or you could do the same for that matter. Coz the boundaries has been raised..coz the distances has been made…the same love is there..but the bond is lost. I may talk to you..smile at you…look into your eyes…but I know that little thing in my heart is lost.
I pray every night to not make me that cold-blooded person for you as I am for the whole world around…coz only your words could keep me warm…coz only your eyes could make my eye blink…coz only you could make me and my heart weep…but things have changed…for good or for bad I don’t know…the only thing I know is that the little thing in my heart is lost!

This is mine! All mine!

Coz love is such. Pain is such. You take them as your own. It lives with you, resides within you..all the time. Why do you cry then? Do you really want to free yourself from love? From pain? Do you want them to leave you? That’s the reason you are alive today. That’s the reason of you sitting in front of this screen and typing words after words without even looking up at the screen. Coz this pain and this love are your driving force. Why are you ever ashamed of it? Of writing about it? This is what keeps you going…keeps you breathing. Why crave for living then? Accept it…this is yours…or better say , only this is yours…your own. No one will ever snatch it from you..nobody wants it u know…’your pain’. Live with it…die for it. What are you scared of? Their questions? What they will think? Since when they started to matter? Since when they started to influence you? Stop. Think. And move on. This is not your world but this place…this place right here is yours. Live for it. Dammit. Live for it.

शायद मेरा शहर अब मेरा नहीं रहा !

क्यूंकि कुछ भी तो अपना नहीं है इस बार यहाँ
ना ये गलियाँ, ना ये चौराहे
ना मेरे घर का आँगन,
ना मेरे यार के साथ बिताये वो पल सारे
हर कोई यहाँ बस दौड़ा चला जा रहा है
ना जाने किस चीज़ की तलाश में भटकता जा रहा है
सब कुछ बदला सा है यहाँ
खुशबू भी यहाँ की घुटन सी लगने लगी है
यादें कडवी हो रही हैं
क्या यादें बनाएँगे इस बार?
क्या ले जाएँगे इस अनजान शहर से?
सब कुछ तो छूट गया इस बार
टूट कर बिखर गया इस बार
या फिर सब कुछ वैसा ही है
जो टूटा है वो तो मेरे अंदर ही बिखरा पड़ा है
रात आँखों के कोने से आंसू तकिये पर अपनी जगह ढूँढ लेते हैं
और मुझे बिलखता छोड़ जाते हैं
ये मेरे शहर की आदत नहीं थी कभी
साये की तरह साथ रहता था ये मेरे
पर आज ये कुछ और है, या मैं कहीं और आ गयी हूँ?
क्युकि ना तो हवा हैं वैसी ना ही चौराहे
शायद मेरा शहर अब मेरा नहीं रहा !

Lost Sunshine!

I wanna heal, I wanna feel
What I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve
Held so long
Erase all the pain till it’s gone

How does it feel like when your heart asks you to leave? When the only thing you love tells you that your love and care suffocates him…that in the moments of despair, don’t look up to your heart to make you feel good. Find someone else to support you. That whatever you do for him..with all the love..what all extra miles you went to make your heart feel special…for the upmost value it holds in your life…for all these things…. you expect something in return. How would you feel when a part of your body…raises such questions on your love? On your care?

Is there any medicine or healer which can heal the wound given by your own heart? What would you do when your heart asks you not to struck with him but look for someone else? Doesn’t you hate yourself, for your love which was so pure, is been questioned? Will you ever be able to come out of this pain? This humiliation?

How your days will be like without your sunshine? How will you smile now when the reason is not with you? One side of you says things will get fine, while other defend that it’s too late now. You can never regain the love and trust of your heart. Knowing your little care or love would suffocate your heart..that your deeds would be questioned…that your care would be treated as an expectation.

*Sigh* Yes, I am broken today. And few wounds never heal….NEVER!

By chance:)

It is in those times when you are searching for an answer....dwelling amidst your heart and mind...wandering here and there for some sign...some way to follow...and suddenly you meet someone whom you have never thought of and you start realizing that is wasn't a mere chance but a sign...an omen that need to be followed!

Yes, some two days back I was returning to Noida from my home town and when I was looking for my coach, I saw a familiar face walking behind me. And within fraction of second I heard a “Hi” from him. He was my mentor during graduation and a person I have always admired. A young, dynamic person in his late twenties(I guess :P) . He too was going to Delhi as he has to catch a flight for Mumbai. Now my mentor, whom I call as ‘Sir’ is a writer, a thinker, an adventurous person, a wanderer and above all a person with whom you can discuss all kinds of intellectual, career related or philosophical topics. In short a kind of person with whom a person like me would love to talk. And then, the journey began.

The conversation started with general career talks, about happenings in personal lives. For the kind of observer he is, I knew he would easily spot the restlessness going inside my mind and heart. He knows about my writing too and hence he knows how I vent things out and what answers I am trying to find. We discussed about few books..about movies and about his and my blog. And as expected the discussion went to some other level wherein I could do nothing but smile on what he was saying as he was talking about the exact things I was thinking about. About search for self, about self-realization, about finding peace within ourselves, about things that disturbs you to the core but you could not do anything about it. This is the exact conversations I was looking forward to.

And then his one sentence made me think really hard. We were kind of out of contact for about two years. And one day…somewhere in march first week..I dropped him a message on Facebook that I want to talk to him and whenever he return to India, I want to meet him. And that day in train he said, “Guess you really wanted to meet me…and here we are today…meeting with such a co-incidence, as I never expected to meet you like this. Kuch aur maang leti us din to wo bhi mil jata. His last lime made me think…that the things I am trying to achieve…the peace I am craving for…the happiness I have been chasing for so long…Do I really aspire for these things from the core of my heart? Am I really sure of what I want from my life? Am I clear with my wants? With the things, I say, missing in my life? What am I upto and where I am heading towards?

He suggested me a book(which I ordered that very day) and gave me a goodluck coin and yes how can I forget the chocolates:P. We reached our destinations but his each and every word is still fresh in my mind. I believe that was an omen and he was a sign to let me follow the way…to go with the flow and to go in search of my answers. And today, I am certain that I will find my answers. That I will live for myself again. That I will indulge myself in things that I love and somewhere live for.

When love becomes illusion, you know its over!

It is exactly in those moments when you know it’s over. The relation which you have been trying to carry on with so much of zeal and efforts has nothing left in it. It has only your breaths, your veins and your heart entangled with it. You have been asking for a break and all these times he says no to it. You ask him do he need more space and he always says he doesn’t need anything else except you. You ask him do you bother him too much and he says nothing can bother him more than your absence.

And suddenly the game turns upside down. You ask him do he need a gap and he says yes to it. He says he thought of having some space between you two. You ask him to have less conversation and he agrees to it….He, who always yelled at you whenever you asked for this ‘gap’. This is exactly the time when you know it’s over. No, you’re not his girlfriend…nor his lover…you’re just a friend who always stood beside him during his lows..who crossed those extra boundaries just to make him feel special. You went out of box everytime so that he doesn’t have to face any problem. And this is you…standing all alone here. Coz you have secluded yourself from the world…coz you have stopped making friends just to secure his place…coz your life revolves around him.

Love becomes an illusion. You the only person you care for, the only person who means everything to you is asking for your leave. You expected him to hold you and never let you go. Alas, illusions never become reality. And this is THE reality. Right in front of you. Standing…..laughing at you and your stupidity coz you have no escape now but to burn yourself each day with this thought that you never meant that to him. That you were just an option. That once again you got beaten up by your destiny. That all those people who asked you to live for yourself was right….that at the end we all are human beings….and at the end there is a purpose of everyone to be in your life and for you being a part of their life. Once the purpose is over…you’ll be thrown out.

Oh dear girl! Understand….this is how life is…this is how people are…and this is what destiny has planned for you. Moving on is nowhere an option. You are too vulnerable to do that. So, penalize yourself now by standing here…alone and see a part of your body going away from you. This is what you deserve at the end. This is your punishment of trusting people..of giving them a place above yourself in your life…of letting them know what place they hold and then giving you a life where you have to burn yourself in the agony. Coz they won’t live with you and you can’t live without them.

And again it’s back to square one!!!!

An addiction worst than drugs!

Sometimes you just want to talk…on any issue…talking nonsense…things that had happened..things that could happen…things that could never happen. You want to talk because you want to be with that one voice which is on another side of the phone. You talk because you want to feel that voice is with you late at 3’o clock in the night.Coz you want to believe there is something in this world which seems to be yours for sometime. How stupid that may sound…how void this feeling of belonging to someone may be...how unreal this world of fantasy may look...no matter what impossibilities you’re trying to defend…what never fulfilling expectations you’re having in your heart…but for that time…everything just seems alright. Though you know the moment you’ll put the phone down the reality would creep in…making the situation more complicated and hard to handle..you know the serenity which you feel listening to that voice…the other side is just trying not to make you feel bad for the ‘some value’ you hold there. It pinches sometimes…the unnecessary burden you put on that side. ..but then even you are helpless….to the addiction…to the habit of listening to the voice everyday….each night. I wish there exist some rehab for this addiction too….it’s more injurious than drug! Trust me! It leaves you nowhere. With no choice…with no capacity to think or react! And the problem is…with each passing day to start hate to love and love to hate this feeling…this weakness of yours!

Little Girl...she once was!

She is no more a naïve, innocent girl of small town, burdened with traditions..customs and ethics of this fake society. She is no more a girl confined with rules set by others. She is a grown up woman today. A woman who live life on her own terms. She smoke, she drink, she hang out with her male friends. She doesn’t seek permission of anyone to live her life. People may call her spoiled…rebel..bitch! She’s loosing on emotions..she has lost relations and is still losing. Her friend list ends even before the counting starts. She cared…she cares a little today…soon a day will come when she’ll stop caring completely. She has learned the rules of living life.This world have always been harsh to her….it has snatched the most lovable toy when she was a kid, it has snatched her best friend when just started learning the meaning of ‘friend’…it has snatched her love when she learned what love is…it has made her cry…cry out loud with no one around to listen. It has snatched the people closed to her. This is not the way she used to be…cold, numb. This world has made her this way. She has always cared…always loved…always given her best in every relations..friendship, special someones, love….every relation. But what has she got in return? Humiliation? Agony? Pain? And blame of being insensible?

Today, she is just a soul caged in a body….with no love for anyone. Not even for herself. She has lost the zeal to live life. She has lost the excitement to look herself up into the mirror. The fun of meeting new people and making new friends. Soon, she’ll isolate herself from everyone. Soon…she’ll be a story….a bygone for everyone.

Heart and those stupid things!

It’s been around two months since I have been here. 2012 started with no kindness and good sign for me. Dad’s heart attack affected a large part of my life. Whole February passed by running between hospital and college. I was already striving hard to get a life and getting things back on track when this all happened. March started off with lots problems again. Not a single day passed with new challenge.

I wrote lot of scattered words in these two months. Words I felt was all mine…moulding, moving in the directions exactly where I want them to. My brain is vouching for serenity..for peace. My heart wants some love. But the surroundings are just in the opposite direction. I am loosing it all. I spend days thinking what went wrong between me and him(the only person I love today, he’s not my lover but the only one I care for today)…My nights have become prisoner of my thoughts. I don’t remember when I last took a sound sleep. I wake up every night and sit…thinking…what? I have no clue. I become blank most of the times. I cry coz I feel suffocated with my thoughts. The dejection has become a part and parcel of my life. My eyes have become permanently swollen. The charm and charisma has faded.

I feel I stand nowhere amidst this world. Hold no position in anybody’s life. Not even his. I have messed up his life as well with mine. I can tolerate everything and anything but to see his life effected by my deeds. I have become a repulsive person. And hence, the only way I see to make atleast his life normal is to exit from his life silently. So that he can have life minus one stupid person.

I don’t know how much my absence is going to affect his life. But I want peace in his life atleast. It’s hard to think of a life without him. But when it comes to his happiness…even this is acceptable. He is like air to me..my driving force..my reason to smile. But I believe my work in his life is done now. And my presence would do nothing but add disaster in his life. Maybe he too wants the same.

I have been spending sleepless nights. Last 1 week was more than a nightmare. I spend a whole night writing words after words…scattered all over my bed. I wrote on anything and everything that came my way….registers…papers…wordfile..draft messages. All over and everywhere. Torn sheets, scattered words, swollen eyes…that was the night.

I get a pang everytime I think of our last talk yesterday night. And one thing become very clear…I have lost that place in his life. But he is and will always remain the only person in my life who has reached a place where no one can ever reach…not even close to that. My heart weeps every second ,thinking of days without him. But, if that’s what make him happy…it is welcomed. His words pinch me like a needle on a wound.

I have spoiled my life till now and may ruin it completely after this. This is an end…end of a lifetime journey!

Last Night!

I do not believe in God. I do not believe there live someone up there with any physical form. Yet I believe there do exist some superpower…formless…shapeless...nameless. And that superpower lives within all of us…who carries this whole universe on his/her shoulder. Many of us feel its presence in early stages of our lives…and for others…they never realize something like this has its existence anywhere around or within.

Last night was one such experience for me. In all these months I did not find a single tear in my eyes. Despite all the disasters and hiccups going in my life…I thought I have forgotten crying. But last night, tears couldn’t stop flowing for no particular reason. I did not cried coz of the life I live. This life is my choice. I hardly talk with anyone. Number of missed calls on my phone is much more than the number of received calls as I don’t feel like picking up the phone. There are numerous unanswered messages in my inbox. Every weekend I sit all alone in this room thinking what I have done with my life, still ,not for a second I feel bad about it.

But last night I cried. Not because of the life I live, but because I could not control what’s going inside me. I cried coz I fail to understand what’s wrong with me? Coz even after pouring my heart out in every relation from being a kid to this stage of my life, I still stand alone. I cried coz sometimes it’s hard to live with people so occupied with love. What will you do when people you live with, people you talk with everyday, your circle…all is full of people madly in love? And you know you’re the only one who doesn’t belong anywhere here. It’s sometimes suffocating and irritating…these surroundings.

I did not sleep whole night..pondering…sobbing…finding escape…until morning when I realized this is me. And this is the way my life is. I can love someone but cannot live with him all life. I can fall in love but cannot carry a relationship. That, relationships and me are two poles which can stand opposite to each other but can never meet. The kind of love I believe in and the type of care I shower turns into shackles sometimes for the other person. And hence I try and keep a distance from it. Relationships.

For I believe…and today I am sure of the thing…that relationships and me are just not meant for each other. And, all the above said things are actually echoed words of my heart . Do you call it voice of superpower? Well, I do!

A Lot like Love!

The path I have choose is risky..very risky. I could not see any fate of this journey. A little mistake and I could lose all that I have earned so far. But it’s irresistible you know…the journey..the company. Addicted I am…to the fragrance..the voice. Love the way I smile for no reason…when suddenly my hyperanger is converted into a stupid giggle..when my archive folder has got texts to make me smile.No expectations with the future…when today is what we live in…when thing sounds beautiful without names. It makes me feel that I am still alive..I still own a heart that beats…that cares...that feels not only its own pain…but pain of his heart. This whole world out there has ceases to exist for me. Coz today, no one matters…to an extent…yes no one! Suggestions, advices are no more entertained here. Coz this is the way I have made my life…this is the way I have become…this is the way I love to be. Even if I lose the only thing I have today, I would be glad I met life..that I once had the thing which was mine.. for all the time it was with me. I could confess the madness..but it will ruin the freshness and the magical feeling I possess today.

Yes, it’s not love…but loving without expectation.

The rule of 'Power and Dependency'!

That thing in your eyes is not water…tear is just a name given by people who love to define things. They love defining each and everything…giving names to people, relations, feelings! The thing without name does not exist for them. For them life is clear…crystal clear with defined terms, known relations, already discovered feelings. Reason they find in everything we do. Logic is the word they run after. Logic to love someone…reason for that drop in your eyes…cause of the pain you are going through..name of the relation you share with someone. This world out there is full of practical people. They live life with pragmatic approach. They are with you when they need you….the moment the interest ends…the bond is over. They call it mutual beneficial society. As per them people come together…build relations…and even marry for some reason. They seek some benefit out of every interaction..every strand of relations and so called ‘love’ they have for the other person. It is like you are my friend because I possess something which you lack and I will act in a manner you want coz I am a weakling here.. The rule of ‘Power and Dependency’. You dominate coz I am dependent on you. And I will act in a way you want coz you hold the ultimate power. Now the game is in the hand of the one who dominates. Not because he has that quality ..but because he is ‘practical’. He knows how to define terms…how to give names. And the poor or rather nincompoop dependent is a slave. Not because he is weak…but because for him love hold no terms. It is undefined. Selfless.

The race is on….between the dominant and the dependent. Who do you think will lose? The answer lies within all of us! The ‘TRUTH’ behind this lie!

A year that was- 2011

I read the post I wrote on 31st December 2010..and to my surprise when every blogger was busy hitting keys ..writing posts for the last day of 2011…I did not even realized or got this urge to write something for the year which just passed by. But reading that post made me realize one thing….that things have changed…drastically. I remember writing a note for ‘him’ and for the other ‘woman’. It made me smile today…that post..the words..and the love I HAD for him. 2011 was a roller coaster ride for me. Things changed, people changed, relations changed….and I changed..as a person. I won’t say I have become more mature or something…but yes…I certainly know a little more as to how to deal with this thing called “Life”. No no no ….Don’t get me wrong. I still commit disasters in my life….I still make blunders….I still cry like a baby sometimes….but I also have learned to smile…to handle those disasters and to face those blunders. I have grown a bit….as a person. I lost some beautiful people also…some walked away…and from some…I had to walk away!

Today, I don’t regret his absence. His walking away made me meet with a beautiful person…from whom I learned what true friendship is. Even if he won’t stay in my life forever…I would be glad I met a person like him in this journey.

This year certainly made me realize true worth of few relations. As I moved away from my home town…my nexus with few friends grew quite strong. Yes, I write crap sometimes stating I am all alone and all…but I know these people would always stand by my side whenever I call them. And, after all, end is inevitable. We cannot hold a single hand and walk all the way of this journey with them. Someday, we all have to walk alone…we have to face life alone. But I am blessed to atleast have such people in my life…though very few….but I have! I owe them.

I realized value of my family like never before. Specially my dad. He is a true rockstar for me. I love him and I am blessed to have a father like him. I know for every girl his father is the best. But, Dad you…You are best of the Dad. He is the person who loves me the most on this earth (and in heaven…it’s my grandfather  ).

In all, 2011 was a year mixed of emotions! No great thing achieved though…but definitely few great realizations!

With this...a very happy new year to all my blogger friends!