Happy New Year ( and my 100th post )

WISH YOU ALL A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR! MAY THIS YEAR BRINGS A LIFE FULL OF BLISS AND SUCCESS!!




AND I FINALLY ENDED THIS YEAR WITH A CENTURY!!!
MY 100TH POST !!!

Last Note of this year ( Few words for some people of my life)

This year too has passed...lots has changed...yes..it has too...changes are inevitable...I know..I personally don’t adore changes...but then, sometimes you just have to leave things as they are...they have their reasons to be like that. This year..2010...I won't say it was a year full of pain, tears...No..This year gave me moments which I cannot forget....ever...I met people so wonderful and full of life...Some known strangers...and above all the time I spent with myself this year...I never talked with my heart so much ever.
On 1st of January 2010...I had them...all of them...and today..on 31st of December...I can only see my heart talking with me..Consoling me...giving me reasons to smile.
Today...at the end of this year...I want to say few things to some people...I can’t really express my emotions...I am very bad at this...so today, I want to share my feelings with them..

TO MOM

Mom,
You have been a real source of inspiration for me. You are a perfect woman...I haven't met a woman stronger than you. I know we both hardly agree on anything, we have different ideologies...I have been very rude with you at times. I know I always took Dad's side whenever there was some argument between you two...but I admire you with all my heart..more than love I have respect for you. I know you have gone through harsh realities of life...you have suffered a lot to make this house a home. I know without you we can't stand...even for a second. You are the most precious pearl of this ocean...and you are the most important part of my life. Without you I can't walk...
I know I haven't said this to you ever...but "I Love You".

To You
You know it all..don't you? No word in this world has power enough to express the love I have for you. You are the most beautiful thing that has happened in my life. With you I realized how beautiful life is. With you I learned to dream...to smile with my heart. You were a friend, a guide, a mentor..you were the Love of my life. You were the Man I wanted in my life...everything about you was just perfect...for me...yes, it was perfect. With you my heart laughed...without you..how can my heart even live without you? You live with me..inside me! We can’t be together...but you are always with me...I feel you around every second of each passing hour...every hour of each passing day. I don’t have to be with you to feel you...I don’t have to close my eyes to see you...to remain with me..all the time. They say years have passed...when will I get over to your memories? They don't know...what you are to me. We have talked without words...we have danced without music...we have made love without touching each other...how can I ever get over to your memories? You are not with me yet you’re the most beautiful gift I have.
Words...words stands nowhere to describe the feeling I have...I love you and will always do...till infinity.
(I wish you again say "me...infinity +1")

To My best Friend (Atrangi)
I am sorry for the things happening amidst us...I am sorry for the things I did which may have hurt you. I know we were best of friends once...and you still are the only person I can trust today. I don’t know why things changed!
I won't say much...just one thing...whether we talk or not....whether we remain in contact or not....whether I hold any importance in your life now or not.....you were..are.. and will always be my best friend. I wish you all the success, love and happiness for all these coming years. I love you dear....and will always do.

To the other woman

I don't know why am I writing anything to you...may be because you have my thing now! You have the most precious thing of this world. Take care of him...he is very sensitive. Laugh with him...he loves it. Listen to his stories...with interest...he is the best storyteller I have ever met. Dance with him...he loves dancing. Make good food for him...he is a connoisseur of food. Give him your shoulder when he feel low....no matter how strong he looks...he is still a small kid at heart. Understand his pain through his eyes...he will never say or utter his pain. Never leave him alone...never. He won't argue for anything...so don't ever argue with him. Try to read his eyes..his eyes says it all. He won't ask you to do anything...you have to understand him to know what he want. Develop the habit of reading girl...he won't spend a day without reading some pages of his novel. Be his best friend...he needs a friend not love at times. Hold him tight when he has a bad dream...he often have them. He is not any boy...but a Man...a mature Man...so keep aside your girly talks and be a woman he want.
Don't ever fight with him....ever...Love him...Love him with all your heart...this is all he need.

Today

I dont really remember the day when things started changing...I dont remember when I became this solitude loving women from a chirpy girl. I can’t recall the day when I started taking things seriously in my life. I was so different from what I am today. I used to Dream...about my future...about my life...about my Prince Charming. We used to discuss this...me and my friends...about the type of Man we want...about the things we expect from life...about the things that makes us happy..our likes...our dislikes...so many things.
Today..today is so different...I don’t dream anymore..I don’t ponder over my life..I can’t see my Prince Charming coming from anywhere..I dont know what makes me happy...I don’t care about my likes or dislikes...this is what I am today.
Certainly..this is not the thing I planned for...This is not the Life I wanted...but you can’t actually 'plan Life'. Not much time has passed....when things were just fine..life was so full of everything...I had nothing to ask for...moments passed and things started slipping from my hand...Friends, Joy, Happiness..Love...Lost all precious things..and today..I am not scared...coz I have nothing to lose..just no thing. Yes, I do miss them sometimes...I miss my friends..their presence when I feel low...their hugs...I miss my smile..and I miss him. But, I dont want them back...not even him now...I have learned to live without them...and learning to live without him. I dont feel the need to have someone in my life...I still love them..love them immensely..but I don’t want them back. I feel comfortable with my own company...I talk, I sing, I dance, I write..
Life has taught me a lot...and still there are ample of unexplored things in this life...I have my past to cherish..I have moments to enjoy...and I have his memories....for this time..this is enough to breathe and stay alive!!!

'Would you tell me, which way I ought to go from here?
'That depends a good deal on where you want to get go,' said the Cat.
'I don't much care where- ,' said Alice.
'Then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the Cat.
'- so long as I get somewhere,' Alice added as an explanation.
'Oh, you're sure to do that,'said the Cat,'if you only walk long enough.'

Alice in Wonderland

People I meet- I

I met this girl few months back...she was just another batch mate...Since I was not in a mood to make any new friend so I kind of avoided any conversation with anyone there apart from few formal talks. Day passed and things were going pretty fine...with I am all engaged in my work..no particular friend but lots of acquaintances. And then this girl caught my attention when she started asking lots of question with our faculty. It’s not the first time someone was asking such question but the level of questions and her keen interest to find every logic to solve that question made my attention diverted towards her.Within few days, with few hi- hellos followed by few strictly formal talks we started studying together...me , her and two more girls. I sort of liked her confidence and the way she take things....but being a scorpion I dislike people who try to dominate me...and this girl had this habit of making everything her way. There came many incidents when we really had clashes of thoughts and ideologies...I being a short tempered person lost my temper many times..but her way of handling me was so good and in few days we became friends(kind of). Though we never shared anything related to our personal lives but in some way I felt that I could connect with her. And one day we four were discussing about life, luck and all...and one girl of our group who is a member 'Art of Living' stated few things about destiny. She said that everything , every incident has a meaning in our life. We meet many people in our life and every person in some way or the other teach us something...some moves on while some stays...coz they are destined to...no matter how much we try to restrict ourselves...few things are just not in our control. Today we are sitting here..we all have our different paths to follow...who knows we'll never meet or even talk...but this moment...this moment was planned.
Next day when we met...there was this slight change in our behavior...we started understanding each other..helping one another...talking and discussing on issues other than our studies. And one day she read my blog and without asking any question she said few things about me which was pretty strange for me to listen from a person who really don’t know anything about me...yes, she was right..her words, her thought all were correct...and so my assumption to connect with her. Today, we still haven’t shared anything personal, but there is this strange understanding between us...a bizarre relation which we share...knowing everything still nothing about each other. I promised her that we will talk on this once we get free from our exams..and this time I am more than eager to talk with her. She is somewhat like me..coz everytime she is quite I know she wants to talk...everytime I ask her for something she knows the reason behind it. I dont know if we really are friends or we'll be able to carry this relation further...but we do meet people in this journey whom we can never forget...She is one of them..and I am glad I met her.

...And I let go of the last thing I had of us...our conversations...of 4 years..that was a tough decision though...but maybe this was the time...this was the time to take that decision...I don’t know what was the driving force behind it...all those harsh facts? Uncertainties of our relation? The fact that I love you more than anything in my life? The reason that you can’t love me with the same intensity or even a bit of it? our differences? knowing each other so well? That guilt of yours?
I thought of it..many times..but never had courage enough to actually do it....that was the last and the most lovable thing I had...the thing which always made me realize that I am still close to you...and now I am left with nothing....just nothing.
That night I cried so hard that next day when I woke up , I felt like I am having some hangover...obviously I was not drunk...but I don’t know...the hangover was so bad....And then after getting sort of normal after cups of coffee..when I saw myself in the mirror, my eyes asked how does it feel like....numb...numb was the answer my heart replied. Yeah, I could not feel anything...no feeling of loss, remorse, pain....just numb. This was not the first time though I felt something like this...but this time it’s certainly for a long period....
Right now I am feeling nothing...may be due to the music which is playing behind this notepad file...or coz of the three empty cups of coffee already lying on my table..or coz this cold winter night...or may be something else...My face is blank and so is my mind...though I usually keep this blank expression while I am in my home...but this time no efforts required at all.
And this time I want this numbness to last for sometime...though it hardly leaves me for moments of pain...but this time I want it to stay...even in moments of joy (and of pain)...

Never heard a music so soothing and tranquil. For the first time heard something which makes me feel so calm and satiated at the same time. Dont know whether its the music or the situation in which I heard this.For the first time I could think of nothing...just nothing while listening this. Just cant take my mind off from this.

I went there yesterday...our place..that place was our favourite...wasn’t it?....and so I preferred to go alone there...with our memories...the place hasn’t changed a bit...in all these years...its still serene and calm....and that corner...its still the best of place to sit...sat there for few minutes...can’t hold emotions for long when it comes to you..so ....yeah sat only for few minutes. Saw a boy and a girl sitting there...some 16-17 years old teenagers...the girl...she seems to be the happiest person on the earth with the boy...her eyes..full and contented as if this is going to last forever...must have been initial stage of their "love"...they are beautiful...initial stages. I remember how our time was....all those cute messages...those long late night talks...madness to see each other even if its just for a second..those uncontrollable laughs....not missing any chance to listen one another's voice...your voice....your voice....how every time I gt goose bumps whenever you used to say 'I love you'. I loved the way you always said these words in the middle of our serious talks...those nights...endless dreams....
And then there are things which no one knows....no one except us....and these are the things which always keeps you close to me....even in your absence. You remember I told you once that I talk with you even if you are not with me...and you said "It means that even if we are apart...you'll never lose me." Yes, I can’t ever lose you....for I have never felt such a strong urge for anyone...I haven’t felt so weak and strong at the same time with anyone...for I don’t have strength enough to stay away from you...physically...emotionally...mentally!!! Yes,you have made me so vulnerable...and I love the intensity of it!!!

I so want to talk to you...every day I feel that urge to call you...to listen your voice..listen to your whispers in the night. I want to tell you...every detail of how my day passed...what made me happy...what things made me sad...about the people I met...about the things I did. I so want things to become like they were....smooth..beautiful...nights...so full of love...your voice...our heartbeats….your smile...our talks....the way you used to sing for me...that song.....your stories...our love...our sighs....silly talks...reasonless laughs...that silence...
The way I used to close my eyes while you talk....to feel you...to love you. don’t go. Please don’t...from my memories...from my mind..my heart...don’t leave as u left me....stay with me...this night...stay..stay....just one night...talk to me...smile for me...love me....let me keep my palm on yours....let me hold your hand..once again...just for a night...stay..
Let me go insane by your aroma...let me feel the madness...the insanity of your our love...just for a night...make me feel alive again...let me feel the warmth of your body...look at me...let me peep into your eyes.....talk to me..just for a night....stay....stay...

Wait kills,destroy the human inside
Numbness and insanity defines my state
Words and sentences does not match
Full stops have taken place of commas
Dreams have become nightmares
Your absence has become an ally

WE? 'WE' don't exist
Loneliness wants to become solitude
Love and Pain are synonyms now
Eyes only stares and does not see
Speechless, flabbergasted I am
Was it you? Or is it you?

I have been living alone for quite a sometime now...all alone. This is for the first time I am having no one...just no one around me.But the thing is that I am feeling good....enjoying the time I am spending with myself. I never got this chance to talk with my soul, to understand the things I need, I want...to realize that its not necessary to always have someone by your side. I would not say that I am happy or feeling contented...but I am not feeling low.
There was a time when life was so contended...full of bliss. Time when I never thought of him going away...when I never realized that friends cant always live with you ...that there is a life which exists beyond the fun and company of friends....and this life is just opposite of what we were living. I never thought of becoming a person which I am today. No! It’s not a complain. I am glad for being a more strong and mature person than I was(thnx to life and its complexities). When I was a kid and whenever I had to make any decision I always used to go to my father for help...and he always used to say "This is your life...we can only tell you the pros and cons of your choices...but as far as decision is concerned...that you have to take".And today, I am happy that wherever I am ...whatever I have faced...those were my decisions...I planned my life and whatever comes now..I'll face it.
Today, when I look back I feel that the time which I have seen in my life was beautiful...I have so many moments to cherish that I can spend my life with them. But today? Why today is so different from yesterday? Today I cannot see anyone even miles away...Are they going away from me or its me who is bringing the differences? How can everyone...everyone change at the same time...or it is just the way I am looking at things? Sometime I think that I have lose it all...everyone...friends, parents, love...but then I too realize that may be this is the time...the time of self-realization....the time to think about myself...to understand the fact that this life and the things related to it are all mine and no single person can affect the way I live or think, that no person can become the reason of my happiness nor my grief.

Meesha

She was lying on bed..like a body with no soul to live..no heart to feel..just tears flowing out from her eyes.More than a month has passed but there was no sign of improvement in her condition. Her Mom, Dad, friends..all were worried but could do nothing as nobody knows the reason. She was not talking with anybody..not even with her best friend. She has never behaved like this before.She has caged herself in her room...her eyes has gone gray from red...her face..numb..Her eyes was just looking at the window..all day..all night.Her body has gone lean...she looks sick..
Everyone was trying to talk with her... but how can she react when neither her brain nor her heart was there...they have reached years back..when she met him..the time when they were together..madly…deeply in love with each other...she could hear nothing but echoes of his voice..the promises that he made...the love which he showered on her....the dreams they saw together..their laughs...their love...their future...their life..their home...when everything was about them.
Her mind gets back to the day when he left...without saying anything to her...she waited...for months ...but he never called back. She still waited for him...all these years...she was living with his thoughts...with his memories..because somewhere she was sure he will come back...someday...she waited for months..years...but this someday never came. She started living in her own world...many man tried to woo her but she was madly in love with him...waiting for him to come back...
Eight years passed..one day she got a call..It was him.The moment she hears his voice,she became mum...and tears started talking. She always knew that he would come back...but her destiny was playing with her ..as always.
He called to inform her about his marriage. He was getting married..... in a month.

There is something in you. Something I just can't resist....

“…A true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever. Nah. Too painful.Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it.”

-- Elizabeth Gilbert

I like life slow...one moment at a time...

24 hours in a day...I remember when I was in school...I used to spend around 8 hrs there...around 3 hours of tuition..3 hours of self study with a sound sleep of around 7 hour...and the next day when I used to wake up...I always get up fresh and rejuvenated.
Today, the time which I have is still 24hours a day...no school, no college, left job so ..yeah..no job...but still I feel like I dont have time to do anything....I sleep but still feel awake whole night..I listen to music but still dont feel the magic of it in my heart....and when I wake up I feel more tired...like whole night I did some herculean task. I cant study properly..there is something or the other which keeps on disturbing me and then I feel how it feels like to grow up...I miss my school life...miss it to the extreme...when I had time for eveything..studies, fun, music, sleep..everything. And today, life is just upside down...so much...so so much has changed. And I dont like changes...I never liked changes. When I changed my school in 11th it took more than 2 months to adjust there...I like life slow...static..one moment at a time. I get confused when so many things happen together. The feeling of hate and Love together...the urge to love and being loved, the time when night falls out and dawn enters, feel drowsy and still want to awake..when a train comes and other departure, when a song finishes and other starts..goodbyes and hellos...they make me feel bad...these emotions ...two at a time...what should I feel? Bliss of hellos or sorrow of goodbyes? Beauty of night or freshness of dawn? Love to hate or hate to love? Madness to love someone or pleasure of being loved? Why cant I feel all these moments but one at a time? Why life moves so fast and never waits for anyone? Why it takes things away when we are least prepared and give something when we never expect? Strange it is….Life and its mysteries!!!!

Quoting HUM TUM

HUM aur TUM ke beech ek hi problem hai,
TUM ke bina HUM adhoore hain!!!

A Phase so strange...

There is a lot of anger and rage inside me...I can feel it...every second of each passing day. I dont know the reason behind it..but the impact could easily be felt on the people around me...family, friends, acquaintances, teachers, colleagues...everyone. It kind of feel awkward when I face them after my stupid behavior...I shout without reason...I cry on silly things...I dont feel like talking to anyone...I hate when anyone expects anything from me... I hate when people gives me any sort of admiration..I almost lose my temper when any person of opposite sex tries to flirt or cross that boundary which I have drawn around me. I have blocked almost everyone on my gmail...even people close to me....my mobile keeps on ringing till its battery exhausts completely. This is a very strange phase...and I feel suffocated...I want to talk....talk a lot and vent everything out...I feel a big burden on my heart every time...It takes fraction of seconds for my tears to flow out from my eyes...neither can I study...nor can I concentrate on any other thing...I feel restless all the time...all the time. Its been months since I had a sound sleep...I could feel my senses on whole night...every night. The more close I want to get with people, the more void I am creating around myself..there is something which stops me ...which stops me to laugh, to feel, to enjoy...I neither live in present, nor in past...future is a thing I cannot think of now.
But one thing which I have realized is that this is not due to any one reason but ample of reasons working together....personal life, professional life, family, surroundings...lots of failures contributing to my state. I feel like I am screaming in a place where no one listens to me...its so noisy that even my heart and mind fails to cooperate. And then I shout more...more louder...and a point comes where my voice chokes and I fall down.. weak, tired. People around me feel that I have changed...that I am intentionally doing all this...creating differences. And I dont try and give any clarification to anyone..not even to my parents...coz I know..they will never understand the phase I am going through. I dont feel any beauty around...Its just anger...a single feeling of anger my poor heart feels all the time..with no reason known. I spend hours sitting in front of my laptop doing nothing...I feel exhausted all the time...all I want to do is cry...and cry all the time.

(I want to go to a place unknown to me..I want to meet people I have never met before...people who dont know who I am...why have I come there...no questions...just silence. I want my soul and mind to rest for sometime...It has over flown with thoughts..thoughts..and thoughts.)

With you...for you!!!

I waited for your call yesterday...and at 5 pm I lost the hope to get any message from you about your arrival...There was something wrong going between us from the last few days...though I know things already are messed up but I was sure you cannot go from here without meeting me. But ,you know,there is a rebel inside my body which was continuously saying some is going wrong...and till the evening I was convinced by my brain that this time the story is different... that this tome you don’t want to meet...that I lost a little place which I had in your life.
But, 12:30 am...getting you call gave me a sigh of relief...even your "normal" talks was not disturbing me this time...for this gave me a sense that still there is something between us..not friendship..not love...but something which could not be given any name.
I did not sleep whole night...the thought of meeting you...having you with me even for few hours was making me anxious and excited at the same time. Don’t know when the time passed..yes..whole night passed without a drop of sleep in my eyes.
And within few hours..you were there..sitting in front of me..smilling...making all those cute faces...Did I ever told you I love the way you express your thoughts with your eyes? The way with each passing sentence, the expressions of your eyes changes? I could not believe my eyes we were sitting together...after more than a year...that was a moment so beautiful...and let me tell you...you have not changed a bit...you still do all those stupid things which makes me fall in love with you all over again...you still talk like a Man...a Man I wanted to be mine...you still tease me the way you used to....the way you flirt in between all those serious talks...your mere touch still evokes that desire to be in your arms...
I tried a lot to avoid any eye contact with you and concentrate on my cappuccino..but how can I avoid your voice? How can I avoid your smell which still drives me crazy? I love the way you still dominates me with an authority..that makes me feel special...even if I am not.
But why did you said that you met her before coming here? Why 24hrs for her and 3 for me? That disturbed me...a lot. I could not say this thing to you...but that made me feel bad...I don’t know why! Though at this point of time I don’t have any right to question any of your deed...but you should not have told me this. I would rather like to be ignorant and happy than to be aware and hurt. You know I never liked your closeness with her...neither when we were together nor today.
But then, the day was beautiful with you...for neither we discussed anything about future...nor complained anything about past..we lived the moment of present.
Things could never be sorted out between us...I know...but these few moments once in a year makes me feel alive for few hours.

This tryst is making me scared..I dont want this day to come.I dont know why but this time It feels like it is going to be our last meeting which I certainly dont want. we will be meeting after more than a year..but for the first time I am feeling anxious instead of being exicted...I even dont know you want to meet me or not. The day you said you are coming..expectations started building up..i thought I still am special for you...but then...you always clear my doubts when I dont want to...you always show me the real picture when I actually want to live in my dreamland...and hence you proved that I am just like any other person whom you will be meeting this time...your friends, acquaintances, colleagues...everyone...
I have been trying to control my feelings and not to cry for you...and I still am tyring. I have been trying to change myself..but you are my weakness...your avoidance still kills me....I feel scared to get in touch with you, to talk with you...not because that again will lead me to the place you left me...I am still there..standing..waiting for you to come back. The thing which scares me is the way you behave...how can you act so normal? How can you talk to me in a way you talk with everyone else...we share a different relation..a different intensity..we were together once...how can you act like this?
We have no future..but still..I wait for you...for my heart says, things will get fine one day...you will come back one day...but this wait...it kills...it kills me each and every second I live. Live? Dont know whether I should use this word or not..because things really has changed after you left..I am not my usual one...a strange silence I feel all the time inside my soul..an awkwardness retains . I try to act nornal..I really do...but my heart...it fails me...every time I try to smile..try to feel happy....It feels like lyf has become numb,I have become numb...they say I dont give chance to any other person to fill those gaps...but they dont understand that this place is yours...and no one can ever take this place in my life...

To Geet- the rhythm of Love!!!

Wish you a very happy bday sweety..You know I have been trying to write this for so long...but then ,may be few things need some special occasions to wait for.
This post and each and every word here is for you. It may sound stereotype but yes I still remember the day we first met...and you know what impression you made on the very first day..I never thought we would make such a good friends. We two are quite different as far as our behaviours are concerned...you..extremely outspoken, loquacious. You used to talk with everyone...and god..non stop.I, on the other hand, was quite reserved. But I always liked the way you bring smile on a dull face. I always liked you but at the same time had a perception that somewhere you lack some level of maturity..but this notion of mine changed entirely when we shared few thoughts and things about our personal lives. I could not believe my eyes then, that its the same girl standing in front of me whom I once thought is too different to even meet some level of my frequency. Time passed by and we shared a lot of things about our lives, our likes, our view and perceptions on various subjects..about life, love, friends, family...
And I realized...we are somewhere together..in our views, in our notions towards relations, love, friends, life etceteras and etceteras. And then there came a time, when I was in a need of a friend..someone who just can listen to me..without questioning anything...without any comment...and there were you...standing by my side...giving a patient hearing to all my woes..and then finally bringing a smile on my face with all your peppy talks. We never used to talk everyday..but the level of comfort i share with you..the ease with which I can share anything and everything is just far apart from everything. I cherish each and every moment we spent together...the long talks...the endless discussions...the way you always boasted me up during my downs...the way you understand my heart...your hugs...everything.
You know you are one of the very few person I can talk anytime with and about anything. This is just to say that you are very special..a true person who value relations and knows how to keep them. Your take on relations and the level of maturity I have seen in you...the way you maintain everything..your career, relations, friendship...is commendable. I learned a lot from you..and still trying to.You are one of the most beautiful and strong person I have met. Just want to say always maintain this attitude of yours…coz you are different…don’t ever lose that quality.

With Lots and lots of love.

A Part of ME!!!

*There are these deep thoughts running through my mind...still I am blank.A sort of fear, pain , pleasure I am feeling....yes, all at the same time.Reason is something I never get an answer for.

*I love nights...the darkness hide many mysteries beneath its shadow..conceal wildest of desires, the insanity of love.

* People suffocates me, I like being alone..with my thoughts and some old memories.Crowd makes my heart feel uneasy. I Sometime feel like an alien , as I feel so awkward at times coz I cannot feign like them ..laughing, shouting, talking without reason.

*I love crying out loud..with my eyes getting red and swelled. It gives a sense of satisfaction, of being alive. It makes me feel the fervor of being in love..to feel the pain.

*I kind of remain normal during day but as the night comes closer, I feel as if I am an entirely different person..the feelings, the thoughts, the desires...they all changes...completely. I feel scared sometime for my own thoughts.I cannot talk with everyone during this time. I ponder my mind on numerous bizarre issues.And as the day falls in...the thoughts vanishes..as if they were never mine.

* People find it difficult to understand me and my thoughts and I find it really hard to match my frequency with them. In all these years I have not found a single person who understand the REAL ME. One deduce one part of my being while other others'. It haunts me..this thought..to never find a person who can understand the complete me.

*Relationships are my big time enemy..or better say I am theirs'. They never stay with me for long. Whenever I try to befriend with them..they ditch me..in the middle of ocean. And so, I detest them now..but then..even hate has some part of love in it.

*I love to be a scorpion, a true one.And I like being with TRUE Scorpions too.I like the mystries they keep with themselves, the aura they have around them, the dominating power, their eyes..so full of mystries. But I also envy few..for being more powerful in thoughts, for being more enigmatic and more dominating.






Thoughts are endless tonight..perhaps I should stop here. Few things in life should remain undisclosed...

Deleted few things today.Few memories, few conversations and few messages.They were close...very close but were junked.Could have deleted them all...but want to keep them...because this is what I want..to keep few memories till the last breath of my life. Difference is..this time I will decide the essentials for my being and memories. Self realization is a things which changes the way you look at things. Living without the "basics" of life is not that a tough task...no mobile, no chats, no long talks, no social networking for sometime.The purpose in not to become a hermit but to realize your dependencies...to find your limits of living without them.
This time I am not alone..but seclude from the world around.This time I asked memories to be with me for sometime now. Memories of beautiful past...of being in love..of loving someone with craze ans passion. Yes, Being in love is a beautiful feeling..and I think it should not depend on the presence of that person with you...coz its not the physical presence that matter but the madness of his/her memories, the feeling of loving him with your soul, the purity of your relation...no matter if its nameless. I am happy today with the fact that I loved someone with all my heart and I still do...to a limit that even his absence does not effect the way I feel for him. Infact in all these years, my intensity of loving him has only increased.
I still am unaware of my desires, what I want...but for the time being...things are going fine.

A sojourn to oblivion...

After spending the last two days with myself and thinking in what direction my life is rolling, I decided to give a second chance to life and live in a way my heart wants to. Last few years have really been tough and has changed a lot of things inside me. The way I treat life,things and people around me. How I define Love and hatred, how I feel about the little beautiful things around. I realized that I am getting obsessed..with people, with things, with any and everything around. My expectations with people are dying but at the same time are getting hell lot of strong with few people...and this thing hurts...the "Extremes" of anything. I realized that I either HATE something lyk hell or love it like insane...I cant remain neutral with things.The GIRL I was and a person I am today...are completely opposite..undoubtedly I love to be the former. But few scars just cant be healed and so I cant be the same sweet girl I used to be...but yes an effort could be made to atleast get a fraction of it. My life has been rushing with a speed of a light year...things has been changing drastically within a fraction of second... missed a lot of things and happy moments in this journey...but now I want life to be slow...for sometime atleast. I want to see the world around me...world unknown to me..unexplored, pristine and want to re-live few moments.
And henceforth...I am taking some time off from this life..not because I dont like this one..its just that I want to know the "Me" in me...I want to know why things are getting worst from worse in my life...why I am losing everything...relations, freinds, confidence...everything. I dont know what will happen tomorrow...and now I dont care. I dont care If I get into a good college or not, if I get my dream job or not..I am ready to work even for few pennies if that satiate my soul. I have always been so anxious about things in my life, my career, my future....and even after burning midnight oil, things are not going my way..then why to get afraid of??
So..I am excluding myself from all the social activities...talking, chatting ...going out with friends...answering stupid questions about past...talking about future...holding expectations from those someones'....everything....everything which hurt and makes my heart weep. I am not angry with anyone..nor any single person holds the responsibility of my decision...Its what I want to do for myself..for sometime.


(P.S.One request for my few friends here...plz dont ask any question and please dont give any call to ask for the same. Their is a great possibility that I will not be able to receive your calls..dont take things otherwise..as soon as I feel right I myself will give a call to all of you..this is just a time off....for few days.And yes...this is the only place I am not going to lose contact with ]

Love,

Mujhe accha nhi lagta koi aur naam ho tujhsa...
  Koi tujhsa ho to naam tujhsa rakhe...

A story that was...

"I dont know why, since when and for what reason...but I have started liking you...Err...I mean I like you...yeah..I do...I mean.."

"Hehehhe....are you kidding me? hah Love?? You? Me? We?. Come on ..this is too good to be true.haha...I cant stop laughing. ok(after a deep breath)..okk....I know its 1st april today...and I dont want to be a bakra for sure..so better luck next time."

"Come on...dont say that...it take a lot of guts you know..to propose a girl...dont laugh like that."

"So..you proposing me right? haha....ok now its too much....and its already too late...and I am going"

":-( :-("

"What???? dont make these faces now..these are not going to help you...I know its a joke ok...will talk to you after a day..huh....now bye..gn"

*She is offline now*

"Plz say yes....I love you and promise to love you till eternity. Please."

"I dont know...I dont feel the same for you...I need some time to think..what if even after coming into a relation i will not be able to love you? That would be unfair with you..and I cant do that...we are friends...very good friends and I dont want to lose friendship for love..hope you understand"

"Take your time...but plz dont say no...I cant live without you."

"I love you"

"I love you too. I never thought I would be saying this but yes..I too have started loving you...I feel that urge to talk to you...to just have a glimpse
of you..to feel you by my side.This feeling is beautiful...Love is beautiful I am glad to have you in my life."

...and they kissed.
"I told you..kisses are beautiful"

"Yes they are..."

"Hey why are you crying?"

"Dont know...never expected this much from life. Promise me...you'll never leave me"

"I promise...."

and he kissed her forehead.


Their first kiss.The piety of first love and first kiss is so beautiful that one wants to preserve it for eternity.Novice love is always beautiful...like a new born baby...pure..clean..away from the contamination of world.

"You coming?"

"I am strucked up here....Arnisha is not feeling well...I have to take her to Hospital.Plz wait there..I'll come within half an hour"
"hmm..ok...take your time...I am waiting"

After one hour
"Hi....where are you?"
"Still in hospital. Arnisha wants me to stay with her...It won't look good if I leave her this way...but Ravi has come...He will stay here with her..I am leaving in 10 mins"
"Ohkk..I am waiting"

After one hour
"You coming na?"
"I am so sorry baby...Arnisha is insisting too much to stay."
"Hmmm....its ok....We'll meet some other day. You take care of her"

"Where are you?"
"I am with Arnisha....she has to go for an interview so insisted me to take her for shopping...will talk to you in night"
"ok"


"Why did not you picked my call?"
"I was busy"
"20 calls and not a single reply? This much busy you are?"
"Hmmmm..."
"You hurt me by your deeds.....you have changed a lot."

"I dont like Arnisha.I know she is your friend but I dislike her closeness with you. You know she likes you...and despite knowing that we both are in relation she do things to show that she mean more to you than me."

"Hmmm..."

"What hmmmm...."

"You know Arnisha has lost a lot of weight...she looks so cute....She was saying that I look good in Blue...."

"Why arent you talking to me?? "

"Stop crying....look at your face....have you ever noticed your dark circles? Look at your eating habits? You need to lose some weight. And plz stop crying....its adding nothing but pimples on you face"

"You are not talking to me...I have been crying for the last 4 days....you dont care to talk and talking about how I look?"

"You are vulnerable....victim of obsession...cant hep it..talk to you later ...bye"

"Why are you doing this? "
"I need some time....I cant think of our relation going further"
"Dont do this please....I cant live without you"
"Bye"

"I am leaving this city tomorrow morning..Take care"

You know what...your memories are more guileless,
They don't leave me alone even in my dreams...........

A Blissful Day......

Its sometime so good you know..to get your things back...even for a fraction of second.This is life i believe...its not about to grudge for the things you lose or dont have..life gives immense pleasure to cherish for little moments.
Two incident happened today which really made me think life is something you cannot control..you cannot plan...it gives you the things in a most unexpected way if it has to.I was surprised when saw a blog update of a person...this person was my school mate..its been years since we had a talk....we both are a part of each others frnd list ... I was literally surprised to see a blog of her. Never ever in my lyf i could thought of her writting. Its not that she dont have that plethora of thoughts to write...she is quite an intelligent girl....but dont know why...well...after reading few posts by her the only thing I realized is...life really is unexpected. Things has changed a lot....a lot...and so has she. But the things is..I felt good…reason I don’t know..neither do I want to.
For the last 1-2 yrs I have really tersed my social circle. There was a time when my friendlist was so long that a whole community cud be made from it. But today there are very few people I like talking to ….and these people really hold a vry important place in my life. I do not feel any sort of guilt by admitting the fact that I ignore people because I could not match my frequency with them…the reason why my fb frndlist is too small. I am not a hermit but yeah enjoy my own space. Amidst these few frnds only 3 are there who really plays a signicant role in my life. I give a damn to this world if I have these three ppl wid me…and I really do. A small ignorance from their side makes me go insane. But for the last few months there was something missing in my nexus with one of them…I know he has his own life but the level of possessiveness I have for my relations really get on my nerves sometime. I really loathe this habbit of mine and have tried a lot to change it…but this is the way I am…I am demanding for my relations and my things….though I really have changed a lot and try to give a lot of space to it..but at some point of time..it hurts. Neways..after a long long tym we both talked like before. And it really really made me very happy.
I don’t care for tomorrow now…neither Am I demanding for things to remain same as today…its too much to ask for…but for today..I am happy….and that is more important I believe..to enjoy the present moment.
P.S(for those three musketeers: This does not mean that my possessiveness for you has vanished…I still am hell lot of demanding fr it )

You promised you would stay whole night with me..you said this night is for me...then..wat happened? Why did you left? What thing changed your mind? I know I asked more than my right..bt then is that too much I asked that made u leave this way? You were with me for hours...I know..you tried to soothed the pain...but we both know its worthless...the only thing I want is You and your presence...your smell...voir voice...the way your eyes stares at me..the way you take my name..the way you make me feel beautiful by your words...but in fraction of second everything changes...I can feel the ugliness of my being..the reality that you are not mine...I have no right to make you stay. The moment you said bye my heart urged to hold you...to make you stay for a while...like I always used to..like everytym I asked for two more minutes wenever you were about to hung up the phone. You know that dont you...you knew I wanted you to stay for few more minutes...why did not you stayed then?
What pleasure do you seek by hurting me again and again? I know its not your mistake. Its no one mistake...but still it makes my heart weep. I am not complaining...this is the thing I chose for myself..I chose to stay their where you left..I decided not to move forward , to overcome the pain. You know why...coz it makes me feel alive..this pain that I feel when I miss you...when my heart cries out when you go...the restlessness I feel everytime I see you. So how can I blame you for all this? You dont need to feel guilty...you dont need to feel bad about anything I am going through..because this is what life has planned for me. Kismat me hua to zarur milenge n waise bhi kisi ne kaha hai "sab chalta hai yaar"

P.S. I waited for hours in a hope that you would come back....but.........

I beseeched my hapless destiny to schematize a clandestine tryst for a night in my dream with you,
Dreams are not my patron, said my fate,
And this night again is going to be a minion of your memories............

Your erratic stance has pulverized me
......................into pieces untold

Your wonts ..............

What do you see in those eyes? Agony, Pain, wait, Love, affection? Or hate, resentment? Is she not jealous by the way you talk with every other woman but not her? Does she not told you the level of sateity she feel inside your aura? She did....upmteen times....when you were engaged in influencing each damsel of your town, She clamored for your love, for you touch. She beseeched every now and then for she wanted you to be with her, to not leave her. You never cared to listen once what she was trying to utter, for the vestibule for you. You never was concerned to what she feels or want..the only thing which was the centre of concern was "You"...you and your false chauvinism. For all the trespasses you did, for all the contusions you gave to her heart...you never repent for them. Was she a mere medium to satisfy your carnal desires or was that really love from your side? But how can love be so painful...how can it be so deceptive?
And even today you talked to her in a way as if shez a minion of your libidos. Your deeds have made her numb. She neither hate nor love anyone...not even her parents.She dont care of her existence. Do you ever realize how wickedly you have ruined her. She cant even curse you for it.....This is what love is for her.

Turmoil

How preposterous it is to listen all new story about oneself every other day. Yeah, I am talking about myself. From the day I left my job, people call me up and ask same old questions, as to, where am I, what am I up to......blah blah blah.....some of them are fabricating umpteen of stories in coalition with others.Some think that I have joined somewhere else,while other blvs that I have been dumped by my boyfriend (gosh I hate this ignoble word.I mean better word could be used for the same), reason for which I left my job( and that made me laugh fr the whole day). Heights were when one of the girl I know came to me and asked." You getting married?".I mean what the heck?? On what hell basis all these predictions were made??? And why on me???
Well I called my frnd(whom they considered my "boyfrnd") and told all these shity things talked about. And as expected...we laughed lyk hell. Yeah, the only mode of entertaintment in my life these days. Well they do have their reasons for prognosis.I was out of this place( my virtual and real world) for more than a month, even my frnds are astonished.2-3 days back one of my frnd called up to ensure wthr I am alive or not(frnds they are...lol)....other said my dimness has become a topic of concern amidst them. For their sake and for the ppl who cares..I am back from my hibernate mode...not totally active though...I come online for few minutes everyday, check my fb account...like few posts...make comments on some...check my mails...and go back...But one thing I surely miss are blogs..specially of wildflower, Tapas and Mayank...Perhaps January 2011 and i'll be back in my form again.....overngt chats, sms, calls.....these days even my cell phone slumbers whole day :-).
For the time being..I let others to tell a tall tale :-)

The day I realized its worthless
....................contemptment was the only option left!!!!!!!

Paradigm shift

ok..I ws out of this place fr about a month...reason being..I ws craving for sme tym off...yeah sme dayz away from these social networking sites, acquaintances , relatives..in nutshell away from the social circle.Only few close ppl kw where I was and what I ws upto.These days I really gave a thought to umpteen of things in my life...good-bad,pompous- worthless, things I have been chasing for long and vice versa. And I unfolded lot many inferences. I actually realized things to which I was giving so much of importance are nothing but sham.I am such a dolt that I give people and things, the right to hurt my soul.I mean how can a person or a thing decide to make me feel good or worse, how can anyone's presence can affect the way I feel and think in any way.Its like giving your life to a person to play with...and crip in case they break it. If you really are concerned with your life...then its only you who can take utmost care of it..and nobody else in the world.Not even the best of frnds.
Frnds, parents, beloved...they can't stand beside you always.Its you who has to stand alone at the end.I may sound didactic but this is what the fact is.The harsh reality of life is that You are alone.Find your priorities as soon as possible else you'll be playing a second fiddle in someone's life.

A journey that was!!!!!!!!!!!

I thought I'll be writting a big post on 24th June...yeah...that was a day really imp in my life...Journey of four years ended...and a chapter gt concluded.This place holds real importance in my life. People syz that school is the only place where you could make true friends......but the friends I made here, the people I met.....teachers, colleagues...everyone...plays a dominant role in my life. Coz what I am today is just because of who all I met and what all I learned from them. Memories is all what Iam taking from this place...some beautiful, some bad...laughters, tears...love....hatred...but I learned a lot from here. Every person I met in this whole tenure of four years has taught me some or the other thing.
When I entered here 4 years back............27th July 2006..I was a different person...shy, naive, nascent..just came out from cocoon....ominious to face the new
world..bt this place accepted me with open arms.......and gave me all the love that was never expected. I would never ever forget the time I have spent here......non
stop laughters...crushes on seniors, instant movie programs...new year partys.....and the most important thing in my life....YOU. If der would have been any possiblity..I would have spend whole my life with this place...coz this is the place which made me meet you....
Today when I am not there .....m missing every corner...each stair....my classrooms.......my cupboard...pile of books...every thing...EVERYTHING. My first day at job.......my mentor said it "transition phase"......working in a place where u studied once......gawd..nothing cud be more complicated than this. But I enjoyed that....n yeah I came accross some really bona fied ppl here...n I learned some really really good thing from them.
In nutshell...these four years proved to be a roller coaster ride for me......love , hatred , broken heart , naive love, pearl like friends.......Yeah...I miss this place!!!!!!!!!!

Life and Me!!!!!!

For the last few days I am feeling low...yeah ...damn low. Reason...I dunn know..or may be I do and dont want to confront it. I have never felt so alone in my entire lyf. It is like I am standing amidst crowd with no clue where to proceed. I have been trying lot many things to come out of it...but failed everytime...called frnds, read articles, watched TV(after about 8 months)...listened songs...continuously...hard rock , gazals, slow... all sorts...but none of it helped. Met one-two frnds....still the same feeling. May be I wanted to meet and talk with some specific person.....but..........
I am not talking with anyone these days......yeah...not with a single person...colleagues, frnds, parents, sibling, neighbours......no one.Its not like I dont want to talk with them...its just that I dont feel like talking and chatting with them...my mind is not here...neither is my heart. People who are close to me are not with me today...I miss them...I really do. Lyf has always been rude with me...it always take my people away from me....strange it is....till the time I maintain sme distance with people...it always try to make them enter that line...and once I let them cross that boundary...it snatches away everything I have.I fought with it...not one or two...but ample of times....and I lose...everytime....coz at the end...its me who is left with nothing but empty hands and broken heart.

A thing called "Relations"

I never wanted this story to repeat again...not with her atleast. I dont want anyone else to suffer from the same agony and pain I went through once.Why it always ends like this...tears, pain, loneliness...and why only one side of coin suffers?? or is it that one side is not able to feel the heartache of other? Whatever the thing may be....to whatever degree the situation is.....heart suffers. People who were once close like night and moon becomes stranger in fraction of seconds. Wish I could make this heart understand to forget things and people who has forgot him, else hurt urself from memories like me. Isnt strange how the best moments of your life makes you cry...every place where you love to go just because you feel his/her persence become reason of your tears. I wish I could tell her to be strong and face the harsh reality of being 'in-out' of relations....as once broken...it takes years to mend...or may be it never will.
I wish some people could learn to differentiate between desires and fantasies, love and being loved.....and most importantly... the vast difference between Love and Lust.

The more I run from them, the more they chase me...your memories

And now I want to stand still..........

Your Name.......

I dont want to talk about you with anyone now. I wonder why they are so concerned about you...they kw it makes me sad...your sheer name. I have been trying a lot to act as if I dont care about you...but you kw the truth..dont you? Yeah...der was a time when you were the only thing I wanted to discuss about...but today...I dont want to utter a single word which hold your name....else they will take away the only thing I have today...your name with me.
I talk with it you know...and it answers me back...like the way you always did. It makes me smile..make me sulk...makes me go crazy. Oh yes,...your voice always made me crazy...n your fragrance... it made me go insane. I never told you these things..but your name knows it all...the level of addicted you have made me.
N yeah, I missed you today. It was lyk as if smeone has locked me in a room with no sign of oxygen. yeah..it was that suffocating..remembering you..missing you..wanting you to be my side. Do you ever miss me that way? Ahh....doesnt matter. It wont effect my intensity of remembering you.

Dilli

Delhi is a place I have always been in love with. Yeah....i like the colours people wear here...local buses rush, metro crowd...shopping streets...spicy food...everything. Once when I was in delhi during my training...my roomie (from chennai) claimed Delhi is not worth to be the Capital of India..i admit pollution, traffic is a big big question mark here,neither it has clean streets and hygienic tea and food stalls...but still...I like this place.The zeal and enthu with which people live here...no one is concerned with anyone's business ...
Neways, what I like the most here is the freedom...to go newhere and everywhere...to get lost in crowd...party every night...to walk alone on a long street...few could say that these things could be done in every city...bt then Delhi has a different way to accept you as a person you are. Congested streets of old delhi, posh colony's of south ...shopping markets(Lajpat, CP, Janpath)..Colleges, universitys'....I like every flaw and each immaculateness of this place.I dont know why I have so much of affection for this city...bt this is tha way it is.
After all....basti hai mastanoin ki dilli, gali hai deewano ki dilli.......

...and the urge to be in your arms evoked again.

Love :-)

Our souls sit close and silently within,
And their own web from their own entrails spin;
And when eyes meet far off, our sense is such,
That, spider-like, we feel the tenderest touch.

- John Dryden

Love...different people...different meaning...and different perception...but every love has a different side and different experience. Even if you fall in love with more than one person(yes..u cn ), u'll realize that loving the former is entirely different from the later one.But I blv der is that one person who is actually made for u. I call that person your "Soulmate". Now its upto you how much efforts you put into to meet that person....coz its not mandate u'll be able to meet him. He might be your very old frnd...or totally a stranger...the person sittin next to you in a journey or just a passerby.
I dont know how many of you agree to this...but I blv that someone...somewhere is made for me. The one who'll love me like anything...the one for whom i'll be the best gift of life...who would stay awake all night just to see me sleeping. The one with whom I want to grow old, with whom i can just be "ME". Whose aura brings a sense of tranquility around...who can hold my hand in crowded street...who can says to his friends "That's her....the love of my life". Who can do anything and everything just to make me smile...with whom world's seems so beautiful...I can feel beautiful.. The one who see me at my ugliest and still says.."I love you...for the way you are"........



And I blv that der is someone made for me....and i will meet my SOULMATE....sometym....somewhere.....down the road. :-)

Random :-)

ok..I admit ppl around me are annoying me like anything these days...be it dat oval shaped mooncalf or that hippo.....and the worst thing is I am getting berserk by these idiots. And the most complicated situation is people who knows me dont understand this thing....they dont understand the seriouness of this matter...the reason why I am gettin more and more aggresive and dont want to talk with anyone...yes "anyone"...not even me.

I dont want to make new friends now...saturation point of making new frnds has reached....atleast for the tym being....I dont mind making new contacts wid few likeminded ppl though...bt den...u kw searching for 'likeminded' ppl is succha BIG task...and no energy is left in me to do succha complex task...atleast for a month or two.

I desperately need a vacation...not 2-3 days...bt a long one...its been high tym since I have tkm any break...n i really really wantto go sme place far from this city....want to see sunset and sunrise...to make some "khalbali" in sea.....to run bare feeted on beach....(damn..when m actually going to do this?)

I want to get drunk.... like a drunkard and shout on road...just once.......and I want him to hold me then...you know..whenever I see these sort of scenes in movies n all(typical bollywood movies...lol)...i really want to live a moment like that...dunn kw y?

And I want to go back in the tym when I was like "me"...I again want to meet all my frnds....like I met them the very first time...and enjoy bday parties, new year parties....(ahh...we had parties for every trifle thing) ........I again want to spend summer vacations with my cousins... we four(me n my 3 cousins)...waking up all night...making plans for next day...getting scolded by mom....

And last...I need a BIGGG HUGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!




Am I asking for too much????Idont think so......I mean these are just few random thoughts and wishes.......few cud not be fulfilled..for rest....i'll do that smetym neways!!!!!

Between all the glory of sky,
all the brightness of sun,
all the cluster of friends
and all the memories of yesterday,
One thing which I realized is..........



I am all alone

You And Me

For a moment things were like before. You and Me. Talking,laughing, teasing ...and looking into each other eyes. For a moment you were mine again. It seems like we never parted. E'thin around was so beautiful. You and Me. I touched my fingertips with your's....and then you joined your hand with mine. Its the best feeling you know.....feeling your presence around. We were bare feeted.....walking on wet sand....holding hands...I could feel your essence... by the wind blowing from your side.
I could spend all night like this...if you walk by my side. Will you? We stood for a moment..you standing behind me.....I could feel your breath on my neck......the chastity of our love, the sanity of our nameless relation...tranquility of your presence.
All I could wish for that moment is to hold it...for ever.......