December- used to be!

I miss those winter nights that used to bring solace...when cuddled up in my quilt I used to feel the warmth of being at 'home'...when friendships were real...when people were true....when there was no rush...rush to meet deadlines...to win the rat race...when december was vacation with good food and being with cousins...when I could sleep for hours without the anxiety of going anywhere. When nights meant books and chocolate milk...when 'gajar ka halwa' was the best dessert.

It is strange how with each passing moment we are getting away from our real self...turning just into mere faces in the crowd. It scares me at times...thinking of tomorrows...of the end....

I wish....if I could only turn back time!

Get a lyf ;)

It’s been quite a while since I have written anything…or have read anything good for that matter. Life has been such a roller coaster all these days. Or rather, this second half of the year. This year passed in a blink of an eye.

Coming back to today…when I took an off from work to relax myself and to sleep all day long…I had lil small chats with some people here and there (yes..I have been quite busy to talk to anyone for sometime..even my family). And my god! What a waste. I mean what the hell people. I don’t understand how people get so much of time to judge or comment or say anything about anybody’s life, when they have no idea about yours. I mean these people are already so much fucked up…and all they could do is gossip or comment about anything and everything you do.

What my point is…me drinking…or smoking…or roaming around or doing anything with anyone is none of their concern. I do not go to people and ask with whom they slept last night or went for ‘pre-honeymoon’ or put up a pic on watsapp or facebook with? I have been so much busy that I didn’t realize that people are actually ‘discussing’ me and my life when they have no idea what’s actually I am upto. Ok, I may not be in the happiest of state but I am good with whatever and whoever I am with. I do whatever I want and I do it with dignity and respect. I earn and I am mature enough to know what and when to do. I can and will go anywhere…with whom-so-ever I want to and will do as many check-ins too. That’s none of your business. And if you have any problem…then baby you always have the option to ‘unfriend’ me.  Feel free.

And so…shut the fuck up and live your life. If you do not have anything to do then go and join some NGO and do something good for the society. Don’t claim you don’t have time for anything but you end up discussing and bitching about me. I am anyways going to do whatever I want to.

November Love!

I love November. The way I feel the cool breeze crossing my body…through my soul. I love the warmth of hot cup of coffee cuddled between my palms. The cozy feeling, when I get inside my quilt. I love taking long walks in November. As if I am leaving all the yesterdays and yester-years far behind.

I love the silence that November nights bring. As if everything in this world ceases to matter. And it’s only me all around.

I love the equilibrium of this season. Neither too cold…nor too hot. Just perfect. The way life should be. Balanced. The way everything should be. Perfect blend of happy-sad moments…Of tears and smiles…of love and heartbreak..of bliss and pain.

I love watching lovers all cuddled up…sharing whispers…walking hand in hand…taking long drives in November evenings. The romance and love seems to be manifold under the pink winters.

Oh….I wish I could write lines after lines for this month. For my love….November Love!

Photographs- Memories!

Out of all the men I had(have) in my life..men I dated…men who were friends…who were more than friends….flings….passing affairs…Men who broke my heart….men whom heart I broke…he was the most special one. If I were to classify men….I am dead sure I can’t put him in any category. He was beyond that.

Though he broke my heart too…more than heart he broke my trust….but certainly he was one of a kind. No one, till date, has ever understood me like he did. Held me like him. He was a friend…a companion….a confidante. He was mine…all mine…for whatever span he was with me.

Yesterday….when I was going through the pics in my phone to make some memory space, I found this pic. Of me and him. He holding me by my arms. It was my favourite pic of us together. It still is. The twinkle in my eyes…contentment on my face…and proud in my smile. I could see that pic for hours….without blinking. I have never looked this satisfied ever.

I made that pic my phone wallpaper. And whenever I open my phone..close my eyes to sleep and wake up..the last and first thing I see,respectively, is that pic. And strangely it brings a smile on my face. Thinking about that time. The bond..the nexus we shared.

I was a proud person then…proud of the friendship we shared…the bond we had…the level of understanding. And I thought…for the very first time in my life…that no matter what happen…he’ll never break my heart…he’ll stay…forever…no matter what.

It's been an year now...lot has changed...things changed…time changed…and somewhere ‘we’ changed. For good or for bad. I don’t know. But we did. Today we are nothing more than strangers who know everything about one another. And somewhere..no-one knows us better than we know each other. Every vein you know. Every single vein.

But that’s what life is. Isn’t it? Everything comes with a life of its own. And it’s best to say goodbye when the time come.

And at one such night like today…looking at that pic…beneath the moonlight…I could do nothing…but smile…thinking of all the good old memories…the laughters…the fights…and the patch-ups.

Alas, sometimes…there are no patchups! 

Hollow silence!

It is in those half sleep half-awake night when you wake up abruptly, you realize that no amount of shopping…beauty salons …sitcoms or alcohol could fill the void which is developing inside you with each passing day. People…relations…love…hatred….you have left them far behind. It’s just you against you today. The endless battle of you fighting with yourself. And fighting for what? Happiness doesn’t count to be on the list today. Or it is more like a mere word that exist somewhere in between the thousands of words in the dictionary. Books? There are tens of unread, half-read, and bookmarked stacked on your bookshelf.

Where is the tomorrow? And when did today pass? Why yesterday is so blur to remember? And where am I? Which phase? What time? Yesterday-today-tomorrow?

And the eyes start paining from insomnia. Brain…could burst anytime from the overflowing thoughts. Thoughts that is impossible to track. Like you just woke up from a dream you can’t remember but still could feel the restlessness.

There is no sad-ness. No melancholy. But no zeal. No excitement. To live is more of a like an obligation. Moments of bliss are temporary. Like a micro second. And then there is no dawn to this dusk.

This is what life has become. And there is no ending of it. Of the void. Of the ‘asked’ loneliness. Of the silence…within…around. And there are no regrets either. No qualms. No complaints. Just nothing.

Just the hollow silence. A hollow silence!

Sometimes...you just know!

When someone breaks your heart...challenge your faith…and leave you in the middle of a storm, you lose hope and make a belief…that every other person you’re gonna meet is going to ditch you…somewhere…at some point of time. Trusting again takes a hell lot of time, patience and strength to letting go of the past demons.

And one day…the storm passes…and you gather the scattered pieces of yours. In all the disaster…you learned to trust no one but yourself. Yes…at some dark nights..you still doubt yourself, your ability to stand up again and move on. Coz letting go is not the tough part…but moving on is.

But it is said that life never remains the same. It always gives you chances…second…third…and sometimes even more than that. But are these chances worth taking for? Does anyone deserve to hold those pieces of yours which you gathered with so much strength? Will you be able to gather them again if such thing repeats?

For I believe…that not everyone deserve to cross that line….to enter that inner circle of yours…to touch your soul and become the reason of your smile/tears. You may not be the best but you deserve good. Someone who could hold your hand and make you believe…someone whose mere existence gives birth to a strange strength inside you. Who doesn’t treat you like an option but as ‘Life’. And when one such person enters your life….you would know! JUST know!

So, don’t haste…don’t chase…coz when it’s meant to be…it will happen…on it’s own

Mirage - Reality or Delusion?

Who you are to me, I wonder

An excuse for solace or just a medium to hide

Hide from the fears, hide from the demons inside

Or you are just another person who passes by

Sometimes I sit and ponder, how to define this

A face I never came across in real but spend all my time with

But oh my friend, this heart is naïve

It doesn’t understand the change in fate

It keeps on asking for even more affection and warmth

Poor he…does not know things have changed so far

What to do now.. a step back or stand still?

Coz it has started affecting my will

Lets not go further and make it tough

Coz I am still a sensitive bud

No reasons filled, no logics involved

But my heart is not ready to bear that all

All that happened, from where it all evolved

Coz every story may begin different …but has the same halt

Maybe I am not people person…or maybe it’s someone else’s fault

But this is the way I am today, unpredictable…insane and out of control

You are broken and so am I, pain here is hard to deny

For the search of contentment, lets not create another void

Lets not fake and pretend we don’t have a choice

End it here, end it right now

I don’t know if it still matters….but my friend…lets bid adieu somehow!

Mid-life crisis? Mundane thoughts!

When I read about midlife crisis some five years back..I wasn’t sure what the fuss is all about. You know all that friends getting married, waking up in the middle of night not knowing where your life is heading towards, feeling alone all of a sudden, having zillion of doubts about life…about love…and most importantly about yourself.

Today…when I look back, I realize what a long way I have come since then. What turn around my life has taken and what a person I have become today. Yes, I have become more independent…..emotionally…financially…physically. I am coming in terms with life. There is no-one or nothing today which takes me by surprise or shock. Coz I have accepted almost everything. Today, if someone hurts me or pushes me to my limit…instead of complaining I just take a step back. I have somewhere make a distance with everything around. Too much of familiarity give rise to expectations and with expectations comes disappointment and with disappointment you get into pain again. It’s all like a vicious circle.

Yet…sometimes…I feel lost. People turn me off. Fake emotions…those oh-i-so-care-for-you talks piss me off. I do not want anyone to expect anything from me…coz I know I would never be able to fulfill their expectations. And if I can’t, I do not have any right to expect from them. This world works on give and take relationship. You give something…you expect something back. It always…..always works like that. So those who says ‘my love for you is oh-so-selfless are just lying’. There are no free lunches in life.

But, at times…I ponder over things that sound so mundane the next day. I wonder do I have anyone to whom I could call 3 in the morning…without giving a thought..and just talk my heart out? Is there anyone who could understand me in a way that even I couldn’t? Is there any person who could take away all my fears and makes me believe?

Not that I do not have people who don’t love me or care for me. Or I am lonely and all. But I guess there exist very thin line between being lonely and being alone. I do not feel lonely….I feel alone. As if I have wake up from a dream and have found myself in a middle of a road…not knowing what direction to go towards. I believe most of us feel that way at some point of time. We all have been there. Yet we all have different fates. Different destinies.

It’s scary..not knowing where to go…what to do. But what’s scarier is to not know when it will end. The uncertainty. The doubts. Whether to take a step forward or to stand still…and wait for the storm to pass. Whether it’s only you or the whole world is looking at the wrong direction. Whether it’s just a beginning or it’s about to get over!

Is the world ready to accept the 'changed' you?

When you change your world….going from one polar region to another…you face consequences. Consequences of not being understood…or rather being misunderstood or the worst of being understood as the one you are not.

This is why familiarity is bliss at times. You do not need to go those extra miles to make someone understand that this is not who you are. The person they see is not the one who lives inside your soul. This is why sometimes getting close or getting to know to new people after a certain point of time is hard.

When we were in teens or early age of being in college…meeting new people…making friends…all this seems nothing but as natural as being at home wearing sweatpants….lying on the sofa…eating chips. But as we grow old…we make believes…and principles….about ourselves…about the kind of person we become by then. And we become so stiff and stubborn with our behavior that flexibility takes a back seat.

And then…if we meet people…we show them the face which is the result of years long learning…lessons…heartbreaks. We become the reflection of the people we met in past. We do not try to reveal the real us to the people we meet later. Somewhere scared of getting hurt…of being taken for granted. At those moments of feeling low….or alone…instead of turning to a friend or calling our parents….we tend to deal with our mess ourselves. Yes, this is the kind of ego we develop with time.

So what if the person you just met couldn’t understand you. You never expected that. Coz in real….you doesn’t understand yourself at times…and surprise…or rather shock yourself with the kind of reaction you give or the behavior you possess. So what if the people around think you are as cold as a fish and have no warmth and affection for anyone..this is what you are showing them. So what if people think you are crazy and weird and behave like a psycho at times….they have no idea of the loving and sane person that is crying to get out of this cage.

How does it matter…..how? What people think or how they think? How on the earth could their opinion hurt you? Do they have that power? Are you concerned?

But what if….what if somewhere they start to become someone from no-one. What if you want them to understand you and hold you? What if you want them to not judge you and to accept you as whom you are? Do you have the choice? Do you have the right? Do you know where you are and where your life is?

The Last Night......

It was one of those early November mornings when the winters were just knocking the door and summers have already left. You could neither wear a sweater nor could roam around wearing Ts. A typical start of November.

With her stilettos in her hand….she walked bare feet. Wearing the dress she wore for the event that happened last night in her college. She could have borrowed his T which she wore that night when she stayed at his place. But she knew that they are not going to meet again and there would be no chance to return his T-shirt back. Moreover, she did not want to carry any of his belongings with her. She could have taken an auto rickshaw. She should have. But last night when she reached his place, she asked him to keep her money. Crumped currencies of 10s and 50s.

She has not slept all night. It was her plan to stay at his place…he, his best friend, she and HER. Without knowing that it would be the last night of their togetherness, their years long nexus…more than half a decade old friendship…it would all end that night….she made the plan and she suffered.

Drunk. All of them. Conversations. Confessions.Music. And then, half asleep…half in senses...drowsy yet awake….she saw them.TOGETHER. A thousand questions raised in a second within her. A million thoughts crossed her mind. She felt suffocated. Dead. Betrayed. Not that they shared any ‘named’ relation…She and Him. But it has always been there…that extra circle…that inner line erased only for him. He has always been the most special person in her life. Her best friend. Her alter ego. Her companion, her confidante. And so has been she. Before, HER.

The moment he raised his voice on her that night, she knew it’s over. The bond. The trust. It’s all over. It was till 3 in the morning when she sat in his kitchen. Alone. Crying. Sobbing.Thinking where it went all wrong. It was 4 in the morning she asked him, she wants to leave…at that very moment.

And at 5, she stood up…legs shaking, head aching from hangover. …splashed cold water on her face…changed her clothes..kept his T-shirt she wore last night on washing machine and opened the door to leave. But before she left, she turned and looked at him….sleeping. She looked at him one last time. Briefly. His eyes…his lips…his hair she never allowed to cut short. And the mole on his upper lip. He still was the most special person in her life. A tear dropped from her left eye. All those years flashed in front of her eyes. All those moments were mere memories now.

And then…she left…with her stilettos in her hand…bare feet…chocking…she walked out….of his house….of his life….of THEIR life………………

Life and Me- Today :)

And between the yesterday and tomorrow…the moment that just went by and the moment that is about to arrive…the past and the future…I found an amazing thing. This moment. Today. Present.

Yes…yesterday does matter. Whatever we are today, it’s because of the decision we made…the things we lost…the lessons we learned….the people we met. It’s been long you know….long phase of getting to know yourself….to chase happiness…to look for good in every bad….to find reasons…to BE good with and for people who doesn’t deserve a bit of it.

But I guess…and believe..all of it helped me grow…somewhere and made me strong. Sometimes, I amaze myself..sometimes I feel shocked to see how I behave at times. But whatever it is…I definitely have started living for myself…and somewhere…loving myself too.

Pessimism…people with negative aura…and jerks trying to bring jinx in my life have no place anywhere near my life. There is no place for lies…for feign emotions….in and around me. The moment I feel someone is trying to drag me into the well of negative thoughts..I just cut them off. And I know…soon…I’l l reach a stage where no-one could affect me and my thoughts.

Sooner or later.. There will come a day...when you'll set yourself free. You know! No cage of attachments...of expectations...of getting hurt. That day..you’ll look back and smile...smile to see what a long way you have come...how much your life has changed...how much you have changed as a person.

But before that...you have to reach the pinnacle of suffering...to touch the extremes...to kill the warm and affectionate person inside you.... to wash away the pain through tears.

So...even if you realize today that you have become as cold as a fish...doesn't feel anything inside...everything around seems nothing but fake...do not panic. Coz the next step is to set yourself free. From the pain...from expectations...from all the lies....from all the attachments that aren't worth it.

It's darkest before the dawn. Wait for your dawn. Just a lil more. Do not give up. Coz you are close...close to the point when everything will just get fine!

Life may not be fair. But it isn't fair for everyone. N that's what makes it fair!

P.S. And that’s my friend…would be a closure. The final adieu. The last goodbye. And the next day when you’ll peep into the mirror…you’ll see a new you. Smiling. Happy. Hopeful. YOU.

Today...I live for myself!

And while taking the night long walk today, I realized how far I have come. In life. How, all of a sudden, I have broken all the boundaries and chose to be where I am today. I may not be surrounded by people all the time. I may not be talking and walking all day. I am doing things which maybe not appropriate or right for many. But then, who will decide what’s right and what’s wrong?

It does hurts sometime. It surely does. But then, it’s better to be away from something which is close to your heart but you know that getting closer would only bring more pain.

And what the heck! For the first time in my life…I am living for myself. Doing things whenever and whatever I want. Going anywhere without looking out for company. Being independent…both emotionally and physically. This is what I really am. And I lost this part somewhere in the tide. I may not be laughing today. But yes, I am smiling.

I stop while walking and start playing with the kids in my society. I take a pause and watch the old couple sitting on the bench…together…satisfied…loved. I peep outside my window pane at midnight and watch the clean sky…for hours. It makes me smile….in a strange way.

I don’t know things I am doing today would lead me which way. I don’t know what future has in store for me. For now, I am just living. Living life in moments.

Don't cal me back. I have lost my way back.

Say Hello Happiness!

While you are running for office in the morning, coming back with piles of work, chasing the unknown, following the rat race, putting every effort to be happy, spending grands on expensive restaurants, pubs and what not....just hold on....stop....and look around. Look around and see the innocent smile on the face of that kid who just threw the ball before you, pause and take a deep breath and feel the fragrance of lily that is growing in your garden, wakeup and and go to your balcony to view the sunrise, sit under the naked sky in the night and stare at the moon, take a long walk listening to your favourite music, see the smile on the face of the people you love.

Do you recognize that feeling? That's happiness!

Do not run after things which you cannot hold, do not wish for things which are mortal, do not bind your happiness with the people around you. Find it within. It is right there....just beneath your heart.

So, take a pause. Look around. Smile. And start walking again.

That's life. That's happiness. And that's you setting yourself free.

Trivia

How many times has it happened that you keep walking round and round in a circle? How many times has it happened that you walked away of this circle thinking it as a straight line but end up being at square one? How many times has it happened that you said to yourself that it’s over and end up doing the same thing all over again?

Haven’t we all, somewhere, have tried to escape and hold on to the same thing at the same time? Isn’t that weird that the one thing you want the most is the same thing you are trying to get away from? That your heart is crying and smiling for the same thing? What makes our mind to love and hate the same person? That you sit across a person and also waiting for him to arrive there?

Have your heart felt hollow and contented at the same time? That you could see things clearly in haze? What is it that make things so complicated that are yet so simple to understand? That you end up meeting the same person to whom you have bid the last goodbye many times? Is it that last goodbye is over-rated? Is it that we find pleasure in pain? Or is it that we close our eyes and pretend that the world has gone black?

We humans are weird, strange breed. What we want, what our need is and what we deserve…we think, are same things. And hence the vicious circle of suffering never ends. We don’t know when to actually let go….when to walk out and set ourselves free. Or is there anything like ‘letting go’ really exists? How far is too far? What is that point from where you have to part ways? Who will decide that you have reached that point? Is there any certain incident, or a particular statement or a something you see that makes you decide that yes…this is the point to bid the last adieu?

It’s absurd you know….this whole cycle of drama….and we, the humans, makes it more illogical. Who knows what’s right and what’s wrong….who knows which side of the coin it’s going to be…who knows the glass is half filled or half empty!

No Coming back!

There are few moments in your life when you feel the utter void inside your soul. No matter with how many people you’re sitting , with whom you are talking to, even when you are throwing the fake smile and the twinkle in your eye in nothing but aftermath of lost a hope, you feel that nothing-ness inside.

I left a whole world of mine behind. Yes, it did pain a lot. It did hurt. But when I was almost done gathering broken pieces of mine…the world turned back to me. And this time, the world which was mine doesn’t feel the same. It feels as if I am living in a world which is named as mine but is carried by someone else and I am just a guest there. You know, it doesn’t feel like home anymore.

And then there are questions, zillions of them, inside me ..in my heard and my heart. And no matter how much assurance I am getting this time…how many statements of ‘everything will be fine’ I listen…they all sound fake…broken…hollow. Coz what my eyes are watching and what is being assured are entirely different. And this time…I cannot take chances. I am too broken to break myself again.

I don’t know when I came this far. When I became this person that I am today. You know when you feel that you’ll bring jinx to any person you’ll be with. When you find yourself awake in the middle of the night doing nothing…with some blur thoughts. I am a changed person today. Not that I do not care or love you. I do. I have just stopped showing it. And I won’t peal a single layer of this mask till the time you make me sure that yes, things are really fine.

I walked away because of few reasons. I walked because I wasn’t entertained there. I walked coz you gave me reasons to. And now if you want me to come back…you NEED to give me reasons. Coz in all these months, I have accepted one thing. That it has ended. That, it’s a full stop now. No comma, no connecting dots…just a full stop. And I made this believe after countless sleepless nights, infinite tears, suffocation and inch broad dark circles under my eyes.

For me, there is no hope, no hope for a new beginning, no hope for a better tomorrow with you. Coz I don’t want to feel anything this time. Neither hope nor disappointment. Neither pain nor happiness. Neither smile nor tears. Coz from where I am looking, nothing has changed. We just have stop discussing things that caused argument, which caused you to give clarifications, which caused us to close and share everything. We are just strangers who talk just for the sake of it. And I don’t want that. Not this time.

I have no intention of coming back. Not like this. Not like this.

Sometimes!

Sometimes, you need reasons to stay. You know. Even a single reason. You may have gone for long. For months or maybe years. But there is still this little hope inside you. To return. To be called back. And for this, you need a reason. Not expectations. Not demands. Just a simple reason. To make yourself sure, that this time it will work. This time it will stay...not for forever. But maybe for a brief time.

But what if you doesn't get any reason. What if even after searching for long...even after waiting for long...you won't find any reason to stay?

What should you do then? Walk out? Haven't you already? And what would you ask from him to do? To give you a reason to stay? Is that a right thing to ask for?

Coz sometimes.....sometimes....things should be understood. Should be accepted. Should be given. And not said. Not asked.

What is to be done?

You know it’s like everything is running….across me…around me…and I am standing here…still…at one place…bewildered…stunned…shivering…sobbing…lost…not knowing what to do…which way to go….what to say and how to react. As if everything around is everything but not me. As if, I am not me. As if I have lost my soul. And as I stood there….clueless….soul-less….I saw myself. Right there. Standing and laughing at me on the other side. What have I done? Where am I today? What will I do next? Should I abandon this world which had left me months back or should I wait….wait for the things to slow down…to come to a halt? What should I do? What should I do?

Long walk-acceptance-memories-Me! :)

I have made it a rule….to spend atleast 20 minutes with myself everyday. All this time I have been running after things, people and what not. I wanted to hold on…to hold on time…to hold on people…to hold on everything that I had. And in this entire race I forgot that what I was trying to hold on is never permanent. Neither time…nor people. But the only thing that will remain by your side is your dignity and the only person that would walk beside you is YOU.

Today…I am in a phase where I am actually with no one. You know! NO-ONE. I wake up, go to work, come back, read/sleep/eat. And then I take a long walk. And this is my favourite part of the day. It’s not that I only think about good things and I only feel good during this walk. But yes, somehow, I feel closer to myself. I remember the good old days and smile. I remember the bad that happened and try to let it go…to forgive. I miss few people who were a part of my life once. A very important part. But I have somewhere accepted that whatever happened was for good. Sometimes, you need to let go of the things you love the most…coz holding on may cause more pain to them. And hence, you set them free. For good.

And during this walk, I think about the things I have....the things I could do....the decision that I could take for my life. I feel blessed to have a family that always supports...to let me live my life in a way that I want...to let me be independent and to discuss anything and everything with them.

I feel good to have very few but good people around...without any fake promises....without any expectations...but to be there.... I am not a girl who wants big cars n bungalows...I am not a girl with very big dreams. All I want from life is to do whatever I feel happy in...to be independent..of people...of someone else taking decisions for my life.I want to live my life on own terms....nothing more..nothing less!

I cannot be an option in anyone’s life. I cannot be dependent on anyone for any materialistic or non-materialistic thing. I have always been and will always be independent.

Yes, memories do come and go. No matter how much you try, some strands will remain in your life. But what you can do is stop trying and accept. And trust me…you will feel good.

P.S. Just when I was changing my wallet today…I found this. Yes, it does bring back a lot of memories but I was left with a wide smile on my face. It’s been around 1.5 years…and this napkin is still with me…as new as it was then.

P.P.S : And yes. My blog has made it to the list of “Directory of Top Indian Blog”, badge of which you can see at the right side above the Blog Archive. Some 571 blogs have made it to this list and yes, mine is one of them. It feels so good :)

In between!

In between all the work…non-reachable deadlines…never ending training sessions…always popping up mailbox…the bright screen of laptop causing severe headache…uncountable cups of caffeine…talks that only consist of corporate jargons…a thought crosses your mind. Or maybe a conversation or even an incident that happened long back..someday…with that someone who is not a part of your life anymore. You know, just like that. Nothing to be specific off. Just anything. And you stop. Or rather freeze. And everything around comes to a halt. You are no more aware of what is happening around..what your boss is screaming for? A gulp of air passes through your throat. Eyes become moist for no good reason. You press them hard…your eyes…to let that moment go, take few deep breathes and exhale hard. One time. Two time. Thinking that would help…for that moment of weakness.

And the same thing happens over and over again. And everytime it happen, you tell yourself that it’s gonna be ok! Someday! Oneday!

Solitude and loneliness are very similar but entirely different things. One gives you bliss while other takes all the humane out of your soul.

You look around and feel you are amidst the crowd wherein nothing is yours. No one whom you could call and say ‘I am not ok!’…no one who would ask you how have you been or the reason for the ever growing dark circles around your eyes. You realize there is actually no one whom you could talk to. And hence, every evening…after coming back from work…you lay down like a corpse. Eating without bothering what shit your maid has cooked. Watching TV just for the sake of switching channels. Taking long walk every night, after day long work, just to tire yourself so that you could sleep at night.

It’s a strange thing you know. Like a string. You lose one person and with him go the whole chain of people you called your friends or people you were somewhere connected to. People with whom you laughed and cried. People who called you anytime and knows the reason of sadness behind your smile.

The world is moving in its speed. Everything around is moving on. But you stand still, not knowing which direction to go. This is what loneliness does to you! This is how a person who made you complete, make you alone!

Nothing-ness- Phase 2

I am losing it all. All my interest. Interest in things I loved doing once…or just few days back. I haven’t read anything since beginning of ‘Phase-2’. I haven’t written anything. I haven’t pondered over anything. I haven’t seen a complete episode of Grey’s anatomy..when I was watching 5-6 episodes in a day,back then.

I don’t know if it’s the transition…my busy schedule or the need of being ‘nothing’….But for now…I AM losing it all. I don’t feel this need to talk to anyone. I don’t feel this need to get engage myself in any sort of nexus with anyone. If you talk to me..I’ll talk too. But if you don’t…I just not even bother to know you exist or not.

I guess this happens with all of us..somewhere…down the line. When we just want to be ‘us’. Nothing more..nothing less. Everything around seems meaningless. Relationships are just another word. Coz maybe you’re done. Done with your share of holding on…of hope…of thinking that things will go fine someday….that it’s just a phase and this too shall pass. You’re done with your share of hurt…of pain and now all you need is silence..both inside and around.

There is so much new around me…so much that I need to explore yet so many things that remind me of the year bygone. Memories. But strangely….today…I feel like smiling at them. Not that they do not pain. They do…and at times I feel like there is nothing left in me. But at the end of the day…they all feel like a distant memory.

Yes, maybe I am done..or maybe it’s this transition of this new phase that isn’t allowing me to go back!

It's dark...n I am cold!

The truth is that it hurts. It fucking hurts. This reality. It pinches. Like a needle. Direct through your heart. What are we faking? What the hell are we escaping from? Insomnia? Swollen red eyes? The suffocation? The endless effort to breathe? Whom we are lying to? Your eyes which you avoid to look through in the mirror? The fake laughs when you even don't know what you're laughing for, coz your mind is fcking somewhere else? The nights you're scared to arrive? The endless T.V shows you watch just to divert your mind? What and whom you're running from? Crying your heart out all night and waking up next day as if nothing happened? Telling yourself thousand times a day that you're ok when everyone knows you're not? You're scared to talk to yourself. Coz you can't answer the questions your heart asks.

What are you searching for? An escape? Well, no escape exists! No ESCAPE EXISTS!

It's dark...m I am cold!

Acceptance!

Life actually is a collection of phases. We complete one phase and move to another. Phase of being a teenager where school life rules...crushes, colourful dresses, birthday parties and gifts…they dominate our lives for quite a time .

Then comes phase two of being an adolescence…a phase of life where everything is so exciting. College life….friends….flings…late night phone calls….hour long chats and messaging…and that immense charm on face. We fall in love…get our heart broken. Friends rule our lives for everything. Family matters but friends still top the chart. Life seems like a roller coaster. Everything looks different. We see ourselves developing, loving, failing, dreaming. We tend to think forever exists. We think that the uncountable friends we have made will stay with us forever. Love gets a new definition. Our life surrounds only by friends and dreams. We think everything will remain as it is. Nothing will change. Nothing.

And then enters the phase of reality check. Things start changing. Dreams start shattering. People, we thought as friends, some of them will leave…some will get out of contact…some will break your heart…some will move on leaving you behind. You’ll realize that forever is just an illusion. You find yourself in the middle of nowhere. You’ll fight. Fight with everything…to keep people you love….to keep your dreams alive…to keep a hope in heart. You’ll cry, shout…coz everything is changing so fast that you find it impossible to keep track or move with the same pace. It feels like a storm. You’ll lose a hell lot of things in this storm. You’ll realize you have to pay the cost for the dreams you saw…things you believed…people you loved. You’ll feel alone and everything around seems like a lie. You’ll lose love…you’ll lose faith…you’ll lose hope. You’ll start hating everything.

And then, finally, the storm will start settling itself. You’ll stop. Stop fighting...stop thinking...stop crying....stop searching....stop escaping and just ACCEPT. Accept the life and what comes in...accept that whatever happened was meant to be...accept that there is no good in fighting anymore. You will realize, that no matter what people promised, no matter what you planned, no matter what you hated , no matter how much you loved…it’s time to accept the truth. Accept that this is what life is all about…accept that love, hatred, happiness, pain…they all are a part of life. Accept that sometimes, it’s better to leave things as they are and stop trying. Accept that everything in this world comes with a life of its own. That no matter what…at the end it’s only you who have to carry your own broken pieces and move along. It’s time to understand yourself better. To be independent. To deal with your problems by your own. You have to forgive people for what wrong they did. Coz you cannot carry the burden of regrets anymore. You have to accept their hate for you but what all you could give back is a smile and good wishes. You have to accept that your life is your property…making it a liability or an asset is your choice.

Coz at the end…acceptance is the only truth. Acceptance is the only bliss. And acceptance is the only option left.

People I meet- III

Me: I wanted to end things in a good note. I don’t want to carry bad memories of something I cherished once.
He: Things never end in a good note. They end because they get worse. And if they are good…they’ll not end.

I read somewhere…Life is a journey…a journey where you meet people…about some you do not think again ever…about some…you wonder what happened to them. But there are some people who leave a mark in your life.

There are a handful of people in my life whom I really think worth of keeping around. I am not a kind of a person who just hangs around with anyone just for the sake of it. I believe in keeping very few but worthy people around. It’s all about the frequency.

I realized this from a person, that, in life..nothing is permanent. Only change is constant. There will be people who will hurt you and break you to the core…but you got to stand up with every broken piece of yours…and smile. Smile at the world that you are just fine. Because this is what life is all about.

I never thought I would ever be a friend with him. We both, being a super egoistic person…I never thought we’d be able to carry on our friendship. But we did.

You say to him you don’t need anyone and he’ll walk away only to watch you from a distant place. You ask him what pain is and he’ll say ‘nothing, but just a state of mind.’ You ask him does he hate anyone/anything? And he says ‘I can’t hate anyone’. Does he has any regret or complain with the past and he’ll smile and say ‘Past was too good to regret or complain’, despite being heartbroken.

You hate him for being what he is. You turn to be his enemy from being his once best friend, coz you just could not stand the idea of him never giving any clarification. Never defending himself. But that’s the way he is. Live with it, or leave him. He won’t complain.

Sometimes, you need someone who could make you face the harsh reality rather than ‘it’s- going-to-be ok’ talks. You need someone who could make you do the reality check. One who’ll break you only to make you immune to the pain. Someone who would never promise anything but surprise you with his actions.

We fight, throw tantrums, stop talking, making calls or even watsapping each other. But I learned from him. Despite being super secretive and being a person who hardly share or reveal the inside him, I got to know him in a way very few could. He would never miss any chance to pull my leg and fight with me for no good reason. But we end up talking without even discussing about the previous day.

I know this is not forever. Nothing is. I know there could be any day we could just get out of contact not knowing where each other are. I know most of the people differ in judging him. Yes, he is that kind of a person. He could make you hate him. Like really hate him. He could charm you with him talks and he could make you despise him with his ‘I don’t care’ attitude. But aren’t we all good for some people and bad for others?

It’s all about how you see the half filled-half empty glass. And how much a person could make an impact on you. And you know what…I don’t think about tomorrow. I don’t know what life has in store for me. Neither do I want to know who all will be with me tomorrow. I have made plans. And failed. Today, I am glad I have a few people around who are real…do not make you expect anything from them…but are there…whenever you call them.

Like I always say, it’s not the quantity…but the quality of people that matters.

बस यूँ ही

किसी के आने की उम्मीद से किसी के ना आने का विश्वास अच्छा है ,
हर दिन नयी बात पर रोने से पुरानी यादों पर आंसू बहाना अच्छा है ,
कुछ पल की ख़ुशी और फिर हमेशा के दुःख से हर पल ना मुस्कुराना अच्छा है ,
यारों की मेह्फ़िल में बदनाम होने से गैरों के साथ तबाह हो जाना अच्छा है ,
जो दो पल साथ ना दे सके ऐसे यार से बे-यार हो जाना अच्छा है,
कुछ झूठे कस्मे वादों से बेगैरत हो जाना अच्छा है,
बे-आबरू होक तेरे कूँचे से निकलने से खुद मर जाना अच्छा है ,
बेवफ़ा अब फिर तुझे खोने से खुद खो जाना अच्छा है ।

Fading away!

Everything around is fading away. Everything. You know! The terrace talks, the parking lots, the late night calls, all night chats, the messages. Graduation days. When you were with me. Always. The countless poems I wrote for you. The thousands of pictures which live in my pen drive now.

The days of all of us being together. We all. It all seems like a distant memory today. Like you wake up from a dream the next day and you don’t remember anything. Just few blur images. And the more you try to remember, the far the images go from you.

Remembering your words…which keep on echoing inside my head…makes me wonder was it really you? It feels like I was with a totally different person. What changed? I wonder. What exactly changed? And then I realize, we become a person we are with. And then it clears my doubt to an extent. How could I miss that? You are a carbon copy of someone else today. Selfish, coward, immature…not caring about anyone else…not even thinking twice before hurting anyone.

But then…why like everything else…your memories aren’t fading away? Why aren’t your voice becoming a blur image like the dreams I see every night. Life is such a smart a** you know! It is erasing every memory from my head except for yours. Every face, except for yours. Every voice………except for yours.

Hatred has always been my strength. It has made me strong. But with you…I can’t even hate you. And that’s where I failed. That’s the only point I fail. Coz it makes me weak.

Who says time heals every wound? Who the hell says that? Some wounds would never heal. There will always be some traces of the scars that the wound left behind. What will you do then?

Anyhow…the question is….why aren’t you fading away from my mind…from my memories…from my veins? Like everything else…like everyone else. You are not the first person I have lost in life. Then why aren’t you?

*sigh*

Unfinished!

We all need a closure. That moment when you know you don’t want to wait anymore…or try anymore. The moment when you know you have moved on…in life…leaving all bitter and sweet memories behind. You look back and just smile. Coz you know…it doesn’t hurt anymore. No hard feelings…no hatred or regrets. Just a smile.

But does the closure really exist? What if we have some unfinished business? Some unspoken words? Things you wanted to say to someone before you head ahead in life. Coz you know…those words, if not spoken, would never let you sleep. What if you are trying to say a last goodbye to someone but couldn’t? Coz it’s too tough…too scary. You are too used to the habit of living in pain and despair that moving on looks like a sin? Or you just want to listen to the last words? Maybe you want someone else to finish the unfinished. To say the last ‘goodbye’.

But life doesn’t works that way. And so, we have to get free of the baggage. We have to finish the unfinished. Coz at some point of time…we all reach a closure. The storm will settle itself. The obsession will pass someday. And looking back we only find things we could have done but was too coward to try. Words we could have said but found the easy way out.

Coz gradually…everything in life change….and so do we! Change may not always be for good…but that’s the way it is. Look back at yourself five years back...what a long way you have come. You may not be the happiest person. But you too changed as a person. We all do. It’s just the acceptance that we need,To get along with life.

The closure is right there….behind the unfinished.

Robin: I am never going to have closure. Okay, closure doesn't exist. One day, Don and I are moving into together, and the next thing I know, he's on a plane to Chicago. It just... ended. And, no matter how much I try to forget that it happened, it will have never not happened. Don and I will always be a loose end. We will always be-

(Shot to Ted giving a lecture)

Ted: Unfinished. Gaudí, to his credit, never gave up on his dream. But that's not usually how it goes. Most of the time it's just too difficult, too expensive, too scary. It's only once you've stopped that you realise how hard it is to start again, so you force yourself not to want it. But it's always there. And until you finish it, it will always be...

~Unfinished, How I met your Mother

I am a believer....I seek for reasons!

I am a believer. Believer of things….of circumstances…of whatever happens in life…with life. I do get off the track sometimes…but at the end…I make myself believe that whatever happens…happen for a reason. The reason may not be known to me now. Or maybe I know. Maybe.

But I am an ardent believer. And whenever I question the reason…I know I am only going to hurt myself. Not that I do not do things to hurt myself. But this one is disastrous. You know. I try to find reason in whatever happened. With me. With us. Most of the times I try and find a good reason. Like, ‘nothing stays in life forever’. Or, ‘that everything has a life of its own. And the expiry date will arrive someday’. And maybe this is the time…to let things set free. But sometimes, my mind gets bombarded with bad reasons too. Like, what if I had not taken a certain decision? Or, not have met a particular person. Or have said no at a certain event. You know! Things like that. And it is this time when I lose control and do things which I regret later.

But, let’s say, what if? What if I had ask the same question to someone else on 7th September 2007 and not you? What if we had never crossed our ways and met each other? What if I never entered that morning batch to train? What if I would have changed my mind and never sent you that video? Or never let you interact with anyone I knew? Or had not called you in that city? Would life be different then?

It’s absurd I know…to talk about ‘What if’s?’ It has no meaning…no logic. I know. But you never know, you know! But maybe this had to happen. And maybe it’s the best. For you. For both of you. I see pictures of you both….together…like really together….like we were once. I feel suffocated at first. The agony burns me. I feel- How could you? How could you be so happy and worry nothing without me? I ask myself, do you ever think of me amidst all this time? I never say ‘miss’. Coz I know you don’t…but just ‘think’? When you go to places with her…doing every possible thing you did for me once? Not caring about the world…not caring about me…not even thinking once how I would feel.

And then I get my reason. That, this is why it has to happen. So that you both could get together. And you know what? I care less and less with each passing day…watching you both together…hand in hand…talking every minute…sharing all things…careless…all over to each other…not thinking about anything…anyone. And I do not feel this need to be loved…or to love again. I miss that. Certainly. But I do not want it back. Coz this is what I have always been. Independent.

You spoiled me. In a certain way. I was dependent on you. To be happy. To feel sad. To cry. To laugh. And today, I do not find this need to be with someone. And maybe this is also a reason. You both are like this. You need people to be with. Always. You both always want someone to talk to. And that’s why you both are together.

I am waiting for a closure. When, by looking at you, I would feel nothing. And I know the day will come someday. Coz every step you take there…one step I take here. One step of yours towards her…two steps you are farther from me. But it’s ok! This all was meant to happen. Everything.

Coz everything….EVERYTHING…happens for a reason!

Here it is again...my old friend...CHANGE!

Change is the only thing that has always topped the chart of the things I detest the most. And here it is again….the change..standing right at my door….making all those promises of hope, happiness and of a better tomorrow. Two year back….right at this time…this same change stood at my door…giving away all those assurances of a better life…of a blissful tomorrow. I don’t know what I gained in all these two years….but I definitely know what I lost. I definitely do!

And this is the reason I have always abhorred this guest…this is the reason why I always avoided this uninvited thing who has always crossed the boundary without even seeking permission and making all those big alterations in my life I never welcomed. It’s catastrophic. These changes. But I had things and people to lose then. And today…I am not afraid but only nervous of the tomorrow. Maybe coz I don’t have anything to lose now. Maybe because I already have lost the things I was most afraid to lose. Maybe that’s why this time….I am not running, but smiling at this guest standing right in front of me. Or rather laughing.

What a tragic thing life is. You feel scared when you have everything. And you laugh back at life when you have nothing. Loss does that effect on you. You tend to accept things you hated once. You tend to look back and think…’Gosh! That was huge.’ Things you went through. But it has the other side too. It left a hole…a void deep inside your soul. You not only lose fear…but along with it…you lose faith, trust, love and most important thing…belief… in yourself…that you’ll ever be able to get along with life. You just get tired of watching people moving on in their lives, who, not only broke your heart and trust but promised you to be by side no matter what. Promised that their life would be nothing without you. You laughed at your own stupidity and close your eyes. Of the things around. Of the people who hurt you. Of the surroundings that could affect you more.

And here it is again…the change…of not being the people you love…of not being the one you are…of secluding yourself from everyone…maybe from your own self too…and waiting for the next big leap in life…thinking that it will wash away all the pain of yesterday…of trying to bury the past and never bring in notice to the new world you are about to enter. But deep inside…this is who you are…nothing but a puppet who would dance in the tune of future but is made from the ashes of past. Of talking to new people but expecting you could see that one face from your past again…someday…just walking down the road. Laughing at the jokes of new world whereas deep inside still smiling on the memories of yesterday!

And here I am again…standing at the edge of a new start….bringing in a new change..this time…with no reluctance but with no enthusiasm too!

Escape-Insanity!

A lot has been done. Literally…a lot…to find an escape. Find none! And amidst this entire search for a door to run away….or a mere window…I lost all my sanity. Not that I had it in abundance…but whatever little piece of sense and sagacity I had…I lost it all.

And the consequences? Today…everything…almost everything makes me sick. The act of being smart by dolts….the noise of endless dramas by daily soaps…the infinite questions that the mind raise every other second….the stupidity of the heart to hurt itself over and over again….the thoughts of second chance….the endless fight between the mind and the heart….the apologies…the lies…fake emotions….the corruption which is never gonna end…the fights against it…the undue fasts….prayers….noise of guns made by the soldiers in the games my brother play….

And then…there are people. They make me sick. The fake and hollow persona they carry. Fake emotions. Fake words. Lies. The masks. The sham. Where are the real faces? Where are the true emotions? Why is it so hard to be the one you actually are and for god sake be a man for once to stand up to it. No courage is required to tell a lie. It is an action of a coward. It takes a real man and guts to stand and tell the truth. The real story.

I hate people who just run away from the situation. Thinking they are strong to turn their back when in actual they are the biggest chicken-hearted and timid people on earth.

During my graduation days…one of my mentors said to me once…that this is a mutual beneficial society. People …even your best of friends are with you for a motive. And let that moment arrive…you will be left alone…within a blink of an eye. How true she was. I miss such real people around.

For the moment…I just have trash around me…and all these noises and these people have snatched my sanity. I couldn’t find any escape except to shut the doors. To shut the doors of my life for some time. There is nobody in to go out….and for some indefinite time….no one would be allowed to enter the gate too.

I guess isolation is the only need of the hour. The only escape for the moment! Before I get ready and start a new journey…which is close….very close!

Come wake me up!

She waited there. Half an hour. She should have known. He is always late. He said 4:30 pm. She said 5. They settled at 4:30. He asked to come before time. And like always....he was late. She thought of nothing. Of no reasons this time. Neither of the consequences. Of going there…again. Sometimes..you need to let go of the reasons..and do what your heart says.

They sat there. At the same old place. Same old chair. After almost an year. The last time they sat there was June 2012. Right before a day he was to leave the city. Things were so different then. Who could have thought that one year later..they were sit there…just like known strangers. Thinking every word before spilling them out. Talking of things that are so formal…not so important. Career. Job. Et all.

The place was changed too..a bit. There were new things on the menu. New people over the counter. But what has not changed was the aroma….the magic of the place. This place has always been special for them. Right from the first patch up to the first big fight. From the numerous sort outs to the countless laughter. Maybe that’s why….they doesn't even have to decide the place. They both knew where to meet.

It wasn't awkward…but it wasn't the same too. The eyes were more on phone or on the people around then to be on each other. The ‘thing’ was gone. The comfort was missing. Nothing to talk about. Nothing to share. The eyes said million things. That it could never be the same again. Not even closer to what it used to be. It was more of an obligation that was to be fulfilled. The zeal was missing. The intention lacked. It wasn't a mistake. But it wasn't a right decision too. And then, the guy over the counter played the song:

Yeah the whole thing begins
And I let you sink into my veins
And I feel the pain like it's new
Everything that we were,
Everything that you said,
Everything that I did and that I couldn't do
Plays through tonight

Tonight your memory burns like a fire
With every one it grows higher and higher
And I can't get over it, I just can't put out this love
I just sit in these flames and pray that you'll come back
Close my eyes tightly, hold on and hope that I'm dreaming
Come wake me up

Turn the TV up loud just to drown out your voice, but I can't forget
Now I'm all out of ideas and baby I'm down to my last cigarette
Yeah, you're probably asleep deep inside of your dreams while I’m sitting here crying and trying to see
Yeah, wherever you are baby now I am sure you moved on and aren't thinking twice about me
And you tonight

~Come wake me up,RASCAL FLATTS

P.S: It was weird but amazing...the song that played...so right...so right for the moment.

Making the ones you love, hate you!

The stakes are high. Very high. To make the people you love, hate you. It rips your heart. Totally. Being bad or acting like the vamps. Portraying a picture of yours that you are not worth loving. Or even remembering. Creating a situation where mere name of yours will bring back so much hatred in their heart that they choose not to even think about you. Let alone remembering you. But the stakes are high. Very high infact.

But sometimes, this is what you have to do. Not thinking about your own heart. Your pain. Your suffering. But to think about them. To release them from your memories. Coz you are making them not forgetting you. They may have moved on…but somewhere…deep in their heart…are your traces. So why not create a picture that they loath. You know. Like really loath. More than monday mornings. More than broken heart. More than midnight tears.

And you do this…coz you love them so much to see them in any pain. You care too much to see them even remembering your name. You love them too much that you have to make them hate you. Coz you know…they are good without you. Coz you have seen them laughing their heart out without you. Coz you know…not being with them is the best thing you could do for them.

And about you….you sit on your couch…thinking about them..letting them go…setting them free…dropping silent tears from your eyes…and writing this. Tearing your heart one million times. Sitting here….with a kaput soul…and memories. You don’t know what went wrong…when things got so absurd. Whose mistake it was? Or was it just life?

You know…life is not good or bad..it is just…LIFE! You can’t fight with it. It would only make you more wrecked. So what you do? You give up. In the name of love. In the name of friendship. In the name of people you love..irrespective of what they feel…irrespective of the hatred…irrespective of the history….of the loneliness you are living with…irrespective of the void they have left…the deep hole in your heart. Thinking everyday…that all those things happened for a reason….that it was no-one’s mistake. Watching them moving on..when you still are standing on the same road....at the same place. And years from now…when your name would bring only a blur memory of yours…you will still be remembering them…standing on the same road…waiting at the same point…where you saw them the last time.

Yes…the stakes are high. Very high indeed!

This is how...my LOVE is!

I am a lover. A hopeless romantic. No, I do not fantasize that some Mr.Right is gonna come on white horse or other such stories. But my love has a different definition. I guess we all have. Somewhere.

I could love you only with my eyes. I won’t utter big words. I won’t do big things. But I would write poems for you. Endlessly. I would sit all night to write notes for you. When the time is hard…I won’t say ‘I am there’..but instead…I will be there..standing right beside you. Even if you could not see me..trust me…I am right there..watching every step you take…counting every breath of yours. And if you fall….I would catch you…and even if I fail…I promise I would wipe your tears.

I could watch you sleep all night…absorbing every little detail of your face…the curve of your nose…the length of your eyelashes…the shape of your lips…the slant of your forehead…how your chest goes up and down everytime you breathe. I would know which line of a song makes you sad…which scene of a movie would make your heart cry. I may not say soothing words when you’re low…but I would sit beside you…silently..and would hold your hand..or give you a hug.

I would send a line from a song to you at 3 A.M. Decipher it. It has a reason why I have done that. Even when I am out for shopping or just wandering…I would think of you. If the place is anywhere close to your kind..I would think of taking you there someday. I would keep track of all the things you liked or casually said you’ll buy next time…no matter how small it is…I would bring that for you…just to see that surprised smile on your face. Coz that is what matters to me.

I may not be the best lover. But I know I am best for you. Coz when I love…there is only one thing..EXTREME. Your tears would make me cry…your laugh would make me smile. I would sit up all the night coz you are awake. I would write all special dates....right from the first touch to the first hug…from the first coffee to the first fight…but would not expect you to remember them.

This is how my love is. And even if you break my heart….I may shout to hate you…I may utter all bad words…I may swear to never see your face again…but remember….Once I have loved you…like really…you will always be loved…with the same intensity…with the same extreme…with the same heart. FOREVER!

P.S
“Yes, I was infatuated with you: I am still. No one has ever heightened such a keen capacity of physical sensation in me. I cut you out because I couldn't stand being a passing fancy. Before I give my body, I must give my thoughts, my mind, my dreams. And you weren't having any of those.”
-- Sylvia Plath,

What are words, if you don't mean them!

If there is one thing I would die to keep…if there is one thing that if broken by someone, will never get my faith back…if there is one thing I could be proud of myself for...it’s the WORDS.

I have always believed in doing what I say/promise…and I ask nothing but true words from any person. Expectations? Not really. I would rather ask you not to say anything…not to promise anything..but if you do…stand by it. Nothing gets me more freaked out than fake words or words which, when u said, never mean them.

The rule is very simple. NO LIES, NO HALF TRUTHS. I could forgive you for anything…for the broken heart…for the countless tears…for whatever ill you said…for all bitching or spitefulness…but spare me from the lies. Spare me from the words you could not keep. For this…there is no forgiveness in my heart.

My father has always said “The one who could not stand by his word..is never a person to rely or to trust”. I grew up listening to that. And today if I think of one thing that is unpardonable…it’s the bogus words. People may judge me for this. But this is what I believe in. Do not make a promise if you can’t keep it..no one is going to kill you for not making a false promise. Don’t say big words if you have no intention to keep them. Nobody is dying for your ‘never-meant-to-be’ words. But if you do…be a man enough to keep them.

Many a times a person could not fulfill a promise but he has all intention to do that…or atleast he has tried enough to complete it. That’s a totally different story. But saying just for the sake of ‘saying’ or showing how much you could do when actually you don’t have guts enough to do an inch of all the big words you say….well…entertain others with the sham. Do not expect me to welcome you everytime you broke your promise or said a lie or used all those glittery words you never meant. I do not expect you to make any promise to me…I would never ask you to do anything for me…I, never in my dreams, would look forward to say anything if you do not mean it.

This is the only sin which has no escape of forgiveness. Nothing more. Nothing less.

P.S. Here are the few lines of a song I totally love. Just want to share. Give it a try :)

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them

What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they're done

When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

A zillion things...such as these!

There are like zillion of things that has been left behind. You know. A zillion. The rainbow colour frocks. Maths text books. Clips that had pink butterflies on it. Hairbands that could stretch till the point your both hands could. Red and Black in colour. The summer vacations with cousins. We could sit all afternoon in the verandah at nani’s place. Playing teacher-teacher or house-house. I never understood why we repeat that two times you know. Video games. Sunday mornings.

And then there was this strange happiness inside. Amidst all holiday homework…all the fights over trifle issues….there was this strange happiness and contentment inside. As if the whole world is ours. There is only love and love around. Whom we love…loves us back. No complications. No heartbreaks. Tears come out only at broken doll or losing a game. There were dreams. Dreams of a happier tomorrow. Like life is waiting with open hands to welcome us.

There were twinkle in the eyes. Beauty in the smile. The REAL smile. Charm on the face. No dark circles. No insomniac nights. No uneven grown nails. No red, blue ,purple ,yellow nail paints to make the ugly fingers look a little better. No compacts and foundations to hide the dead skin. There were no dresses…costing thousands of bucks..just to hide the body which is getting older and revealing the one which is not real. There were books that would take us to a wonderland and not the one which would show the ugly reality. There were no realizations. No reality checks.

I wonder what a heaven I have left behind. Saw all those dreams. Studied all night. Solved numerous math problems. For today? For this time? All those things….what for? Today?

*Sigh*

Your fragrance!

4th Jan 2013

There is this strange fragrance that reminds me of you. I find it everywhere I go..u know…everywhere! It’s your fragrance…like the one I used to feel when I was around you. Like the one that was there in your room..the one in the yellow sweatshirt you gave me…like the T of yours I wore that day…like the one which surrounded us at that bench of campus….the one I felt when you hugged….like the one of the evening in the park. It makes me go insane…it drives me crazy..your fragrance…all round me. I feel suffocated…why suddenly everything has started using your cologne?…why everywhere I find it but not you? Oh yes…how can I find you now? We are not together…we never were.

Do you ever think of me? Does anything such as this reminds you of me? Like any specific word that I used to say every now and then..when you hear it from someone else? Like the way I used to smile after crying….like the way I used to tease you for girls…like the endless lectures… the theories of ‘moving on and getting over with the past’? Do you? Do you feel relieved after talking to someone else about the lows of life? About your past…like you used to…with me? Do you? Do you sing songs with guitar over phone to someone else….like you used to….to me? Do you? Does someone awake whole night because you are not sleeping….. like I used to? Do you fight with someone and make up by evening every day….like we used to? Do you share the same bond..the same love…affection with someone else…like us? Can you set example with someone else…of friendship…of love…like ours? Can you? Does someone else cry with you all night…like I used to…and not hung up the call till we both stop crying? Is there anyone who love you more than I do..Is there? I know there is no one…but definitely someone you love more than me!

And ohhh….here it is again….your fragrance…all around me. Does anyone feel your fragrance…like I do?

Hatred?

Hatred is one such emotion of human being that I fail to understand completely. What does it do to us? The one who hates? Whenever I feel this hatred for anything or anyone …I feel stronger than ever. I don’t understand this. At all. I don’t know if this is for temporary or have I really become this strong. I asked few of my friends about it and they had entirely different opinion about it. To them, hatred has only made them weak..or made them feel bad about it. But whenever I feel that something is making me weak or is hurting me…I try and find reasons to hate it..and I come out of it very easily..even if it is not for a very long time. Not that this hatred remain inside me for a very long time. I have seen myself feeling almost nothing about something after this 'hatred'. And it has relieved me..somehow!

But whenever I think of it…the hatred part inside me which is emerging too strong as a emotion..I feel it is somewhere taking me away from myself. I am moving away from the things that made me feel alive. I do not spend time with myself…it’s been like ages since I have sit and think about myself..about where my life is heading towards…what I am becoming as a person..It’s been long since I have written anything. I mean just too much has happened in my life in the last few months but I have nothing to write of…I just could not vent it out and hence the anger, pain is still inside me…filling the vessel of patience and perseverance with such a great speed. I wonder what will happen if this continue for long.

I am not my usual self…I feel anger and I laugh…I feel like crying and I start feeling hated….I feel helpless and I smile. I avoid facing things or rather prefer to move leaving that thought behind. This is so not me. I show emotions which I shouldn’t. I share things which I should have kept inside. I do things which are not right. I sometimes feel I have started faking with myself. I am losing the actual me. I am developing feelings which make me feel strong but guess somewhere taking me away from myself. I don’t know what exactly is it…I don’t know what this ‘Hatred’ thing is doing to me. For I just do not think about it at all. The people I was so attached with, I do not feel any connection with them today. I feel like everybody is just fulfilling the formality of being with you and so are you.

Is it the new emotion I am developing inside or am I losing the existing one?

standoffish

She sat there, holding a book in her hand. Page number 157. It doesn'ttake more than three days to complete a book of such a length, if it could hold her interest. And this book was one of her kind. But it has been several hours since she has been strucked on this page. The book was right there…in her left hand…with her index finger clenched amidst the half closed book. She tried opening it several times…moving her eyes over words…reading words after words but not a single word could make it through her brain.

She could not stop the voices echoing inside her mind…the pictures running before her eyes. She just closed her eyes with force…thinking this could help. But how could you close your eyes with what’s going within? She stood up…gasping for some air and lit a cigarette. Watching at the distant skyscrapers, thousand thoughts crossed her mind. She had left behind whole world of hers. The world which she made of so much love and affection. World..that once was hers’. Does she miss that? Does she hate the one who destroyed it? Is it anger or the helplessness which has made her so different?

What she is today is not an inch closer of what she used to be. She has secluded herself from everything and everyone around…becoming more of a mystery…more of a puzzle which no one could solve…not even she herself. People have given up long back to understand her. She says nothing. She shares nothing. All you could see is a weak smile on her face when asked what it is that bothers her so much.

It’s been hours since she has been staring at the sky…the distant sky touching buildings…the birds who have just waken up from the slumber. The dark circles around her eyes show the insomnia she has been suffering from.

Looking at the folded page 157….she closed the book. Realizing…it’s yet another night she spent thinking of those years. Yet another night that reminded how lonely she has become. Yet another night of ugly truths and late realizations.

She bid him the last goodbye!

You never know how your last goodbye would be like. Neither did she. But for her it has always been important. To bid the last adieu. Awkward it was…meeting after months. Not knowing what to talk..how to talk..with the one with whom she talked all night…about anything and everything. What should be asked? How is he? Knowing he’s not fine? Or maybe he was doing just fine?

Silence was the only thing that exist between the two. She had her doubts…her questions..and she was sure he had his share of doubts too. But sometimes keeping mum is the best thing you could do. Watching his eyes full of tears has always been the worst thing for her. And that day….it added up to the pain. Probably coz it’s the last time she was seeing him…last time she would be listening his voice…last time she was feeling his fragrance…last time his eyes was staring hers. Watching him sit beside her….with the pain and tears…it pinched million times per second to her heart. That was it! It was getting over. She was leaving this place…he has chose his life…she has her own path. They anyways weren’t in contact since months…then why was it so important to say the last words? Why she does not choose the easy path and go off without saying anything. It was painful. Toxic. Nostalgic. Hard. But it was important. For her. For them.

She decided not to shed a single tear. She decided not to say anything about what all happened. Why things got worse…why the decision has been taken. She decided not to tell him how much she miss him…how nobody could ever value him like she does. But he had some other plans. And she busted out. It was the last goodbye. Maybe that’s why tears didn’t stopped. Maybe that’s why she had to say those things.

He….like always…after all shouting and anger…gave his handkerchief. He always did that. To stop her from crying. And this was the last time. Yes…he said it right..she had no right to call it over…it was about two of them…it has always been about two of them. She could not take the decision alone. But he left no choice. He was in pain too…maybe because of how awkwardly things ended between them. How they never talked after that night. And maybe that’s why the last words were important. He lit his cigarette to relief the tension. The evening ended with casual bye. He is relieved now. His pain has decreased. And her job is done. After all this is what she wanted….to release him from her pain.

But…he never realized…that it was…indeed….THE LAST GOODBYE!

P.S. Why is it always so important to meet one last time before you leave….to talk the last words…to exchange the goodbyes…to see that person one last time? To save that moment for eternity? To remember years later how it ended? To FEEL the touch one last time? To end it in a good note? Why the last goodbyes are always special…always so important?

This will fade too...oneday...someday!

The moment lived today will become a distant memory one day. Gradually and eventually everything will fade. Every memory, every tear dropped, the insanity, the insomaniac nights…the fragrance..half smiles…the smell of damp cigarettes….the lemonades after hangover…the feeling of being lost…promises…that were made to be broken…messages that lived in archive for years…mails in the red marked folder…every song sent…conversations that remained in mind and never found the courage to be spoken. The drafts that remind of dates…dates which remind of certain events…the colour of Black coffee...all will fade.

Name will become just another word. Phone numbers..just a contact. Won’t even bother to look at the ‘status’ and ‘last seen’ at watsapp. This is how it is done everytime and by everyone. This is certainly not moving on. No-one moves on..ever! EVER!

It’s neither good nor bad..it’s just the way IT IS. There will never be any answer for few questions. Why smell of a new book is so familiar? Why nail paint get off in weird shapes? Why sometimes you find solace amidst an unknown crowd? What life has in store for you? Why memories fade? There will never be an answer so absolute.

Coz the only absolute is TIME…the only thing constant is CHANGE. Nothing more…nothing less.

We never really lose anyone!

There is a great satiation in every sense of dissatisfaction, a little love in hatred, a care in ignorance. There are memories in dreams, a holding back in moving on and light in the night.

I wandered for peace..I still am. I looked out for love. I am scared of changes. Losing things and people scares me. Uncertainty of life has always made me weaker. Memories and past are my only solace. I find old pictures to be actually mine than the people around…I consider old mails, messages and conversations to be real than the present conversations. I ask myself to not attach with people but this is what I end up doing every time. I miss the moment when it passes away. I miss being with people who are not with me today.

And all this time I have been living a life, thinking that I have lost the good part of my life. But don’t we all somewhere think the same way? We miss the moment when it is gone…thinking it as the best part of our life and miss the thrill of the present moment…and then we miss the same moment after sometime.

But now I believe we never actually lose anything or anyone. We just tend to look into different direction. How can you ever lose something which is present there..inside your soul? If you loved someone and think you have lost them…you never really have loved them..coz you never lose your loved one…they remain with you…all the time..sometimes in the form of smiles..sometimes in dreams…sometimes in tears and sometimes in memories. You could meet them anytime you want…coz to love or to be with someone…physical presence is not what counts..it’s just the feeling that matters. Like we love god..or what we say as superpower. We never meet him..we never see them..but we love him and believe him with our heart, we believe that they are here with us during our hard times, during our moments of losing hope. Atheists have their own belief that makes them stronger. They may not believe in god…but they believe in their “belief”.

So why do we cry? Why regret something which has not actually happened. Why moan on the loss that never occurred. Believe and know that life is just a journey travelling on the track of time..where we do not lose people…we just change compartments. We can’t see them but know that they are with us..travelling in this same journey…on the same track..at the same time.

P.S. And to all the people I thought I have lost “You all are here with me. Maybe we never travel in the same compartment again..maybe somewhere…while changing compartments..we cross ways…maybe we will meet somewhere in this journey..somewhere down the line, you all need to know that..you are travelling with me…in the same train..on the same track…at the same time :) “

2012

It’s been more than two hours since I have been trying to get a sleep, but yes..I could’t. I don’t know what’s going inside my head. I have been reading, listening music, spending time with myself…but there is this strange feeling…I don’t know it is anxiety or excitement..that made me jump out of my bed and write this. Life has been quite messy with the things going around. 2012 does not proved to be an year for me. Lot many things happened…LOT MANY. From dad’s heart attack to losing my best pal..my lifeline. There is nothing much I want to carry on to this year. But yes, it made me stronger…in a weird way. I have seen myself going down into the abyss of hopelessness, fear, sorrow and then raising myself again..piece by piece…one after another. But there were some pieces I lost in the tide that I am never going to find again. Pieces which were build of trust, faith…pieces that made the foundation of that love…of that companionship. I don’t want to hold hatred beneath my heart..for that will only break me more. I don’t want to carry bad memories..for I have made many beautiful with the same. I don’t know whether it’s a new beginning or the end of another era…I don’t know the reason for what all happened…but I want to forgive it all….I want to forgive the bad time, the people associated with it…the wrong doings…I want to forgive myself for the foul words..the ugly thoughts…the sinner inside me.

But I am not going to forget it. The incidents that challenged my faith…the words that shouldn’t have been used…the gestures that snatched my belief…the aura that made me feel ugly. I will not forget what made me weak…what made me helpless…what brought hatred inside me in the first place…

May the year like this never ever arrive in my life again…may I become stronger with each passing day….may my heart forgive the one that broke me…may my mind find peace…and may the ones that I lost in the tide live happily..with no regrets…with no guilt!