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I am going insane. Or this world is getting crazy. There has to be one possibility. I want to cry. Cry like a baby. If growing up is such a curse…I would probably choose ending my life here at this very point. I am tired of good-byes. The pace at which relations are going away and people are leaving my life..soon I’ll be bog down again in the marsh of oblivion. I believe in maintaining few but valuable relations. And my intensity of maintaining them is so high that I can cross every boundary to retain them. But, the point where I see my place changing in their life…or I am losing or have to share my people with someone else…and even that person is not fighting back to save my position in his/her life…I’ll stop fighting and lose the battle myself! But I never felt this helpless ever as I am today. It’s like damn suffocating. The air is all round but you couldn’t breathe. …having everything still deprived if it. The pain of watching your own foetus dying in front of your eyes. That painful it is watching your most precious relation dying every second before you and you couldn’t do anything about it. The trauma is unbearable. Save me oh lord! Save me!

Standing here today...when I look back and see myself caring, loving , crying for people....accepting their lies even after knowing the truth...standing by them..fighting for them...walking those extra miles, crossing boundaries to make THEM feel good, sacrificing my own happiness to just see a smile on their face....I SEE A FOOL STANDING THERE....doing every possible thing and still standing alone!

Think its time for a reality check!

A life like this!

A life without boundations..without boundaries. Where there are no deadlines..no watch to keep track of time. When you sleep without thinking of the time when you need to wake up..when you walk without worrying about the time of coming back…where you can just keep talking with your best friend all night without any thought of getting up early next day.

A world where there are no boundaries. Where you could just say anything whatever is there in your mind. Where if you love someone you could just go and say what you feel…where if you want to be with someone you could just go and be with him/her. Where you could scream, shout, cry without giving reasons.

Can’t life be this simpler? Can’t we live real life for once…why do people pretend?

Oh this complex world! Oh my silly naïve heart!

For the sake of survival!

I am learning to survive. To survive without people, without love, without care, without affection..without an inch of warmth in heart. I have made a circle all around myself…with boundaries so strong that no one could cross them and reach the only one standing inside..Me. It’s been quite a while since I have felt any connection developing inside, for anyone. The zeal to live..to enjoy..to talk with new people..to feel happy and jovial has vanished. I find pain and pleasure, at the same time, in solitude. I cry and laugh upon the life I am living..the type of person I have become. A cold hearted person. A loner. I walk on unknown roads all alone without any fear of losing the way back. I sit alone for hours with thousand of thoughts pounding inside my mind, but unable to understand any. I have lost contact with almost all my friends. I feel tired..talking with people. I see their missed calls and messages on my phone but could not call them back. Not that I do that intentionally but sometimes I forget and sometimes I just let it go. Every Saturday night I sit alone in my room and do nothing. All my hostel mates go for parties and night outs but I sit here alone..without any regret of choosing this life..of the pain I am giving to my heart…to myself. I punish myself daily with this loneliness..with this numbness.

The ultimate fate of this life scares me sometimes…but I could not feign happiness. It’s too much to ask from a person like me. I know I am ruining myself..I am destroying the dreams I once saw for myself..the expectations of my parents..their love…their care. I feel guilty for the things they do for me..coz I know I could not return anything to them. Not even love. Coz there is no love left in me.

Yet, I am surviving……I am learning to survive!

The changed world or the changed me?

It’s been long…quite long. Years have passed by. The feeling is getting worst. Since then. Strange is the way I feel for myself. The way I see a different world around. People changing each and every second. Relationships getting staled. Feelings changing with every passing second. It sucks! These changes. And what sucks more is the way I have changed and the type of person I have become. Love, Calmness, tranquility is bygones today. The only feelings which exist are of aggression, anger and hatred.

I have lost almost all people with whom I once was so close. And the irony is I don’t miss them. I don’t feel the need to call them and talk to them. I don’t care if people hate me or love me. Coz they doesn’t matter anymore. The feeling of being accepted or rejected doesn’t matter. I don’t miss the presence of anyone in my life. Not even my parents. Yes, I do care for them but I don’t miss anyone.

But I feel a strange urge sometimes. The urge to get lost in a crowd. To run to some unknown place…talk with strangers…. Walk alone for hours. People find it difficult to talk with me these days. The type of reaction they get from me is weird, as per them. I somewhere know this. There is this devil developing inside me and this devil has ruined lot many things till now. It is making me numb, careless, selfish bitch. And this bitch doesn’t care about herself too.

What have I become? What will I be sometime from now. It makes me scare sometimes. But then I don’t care about that too.

A battle already lost!

Losing you is the most risky thing today. Such a phase has reached that one step forward or one step back would ruin everything. You are like an addiction to me. To an extent that life runs with you.The pain of a single thought to have a life without you is so extreme, that wounds feel nothing. Life is numb. I am numb. The only sense my body, my mind, my heart feels is of you. Distracted I am. Agitated I am. Between life and pain I have choose pain. Pain…to have you without you, to share you and to burn myself with that agony. It has become scary to face my own thoughts now..to think of my desires…to face the reality…to face myself and hide things. It’s scary to hold on emotions and to wear a mask everytime. It’s frustrating to know what exactly you feel and to avoid every thought of it.

That's the way it is!

Mistrust. Insecure. Weak. Distracted. This is the way it is actually. The contrary is just a veil. A mask . A camouflage to hide the reality…the truth from the world around. This world is ruthless. Harsh. No place for weakness…no excuse for being dependent. The world moves on. No one waits. NO ONE! They say life is practical. You have to be more pragmatic. Throw out your emotions if you have to survive. Survive? Why can’t we LIVE? Is surviving the only option today? Everything …every emotion….every concern is just a mockery. Materialism rules. Truth fails. It’s a world of puppets out there. Fake..selfish…lier. Guess this is the way it has become now. Guess that’s the way it is!

23

23. The number of years I have spent here on this planet earth. My life has never been any extra ordinary in all these years. Have always been a mediocre. No scintillating looks, no extra ordinary career, no oh-so-high ambitions, no great achievements. But whatever I have lived…whatever I have faced…I have no qualms and complains against anything today. The kind of person I am today…the way I handle things in my life…the few left over relations I have…I am satisfied with all. I know I have changed a lot in all these years. I don’t feel emotionally attach with people I meet now…no matter how much care and concern they shower on me. I know somewhere I have become a cold hearted person. I know it’s almost impossible for me to connect myself with the people around, again. But this world always compensate the losses. I feel blessed to have few people by my side. Infact, there is nothing I feel missing in my life right now…except for few roller coaster thoughts that come and leave my mind every other second…few mood swings which have become more frequent off late. This day is again not going to be any special day. College till evening and then back to boring hostel life. That’s the way it is! That’s the way I have made it.

STILL...should I stand!

It is not about you anymore, for you today are just like a distant memory….getting fade by every passing moment. It’s not about the piles of work I cover myself with and end up doing nothing. Many phases have passed. Have experienced extremes of insomnia, numbness, insanity, tears, pain, and agony. Today..it’s a different story. So different that when I look myself up into the mirror..my eyes refuses to recognize my own face. They see a different me. ..a stranger caged in a known body. Things are quite the way I wanted…except of few undesirable forgotten…forbidden desires…few unfulfilled and could-never-be-fulfilled dreams. The Id seems to overshadow superego sometimes. The traces of stubborn, mad , crazy scorpion girl becomes visible. Relationships sucks for now…love stories sounds like crap..lovey-dovey talks of people new into relation seems like a joke in itself. What dominates is a strange drive towards a risky way. Not love for sure..but a strange madness and obsession for something. Something or maybe someone even I am not sure of. It’s frustrating sometimes but still I enjoy being here…in this phase. Can’t walk forward and do not want to go back. Still should I stand here!Still.

Unmistakable!

Few moments…few looks…few smiles….they just take your breath away. And when the moment passes…even a single thought of that moment could make your heart missed a beat. The moment you have been waiting for so long…have imagined it thousand times and when it comes..it passes so quickly that even you couldn’t realize it has passed. How a simple word from someone can change your mood completely. It is not always about love….it never is about love now. This time..this phase…this life….it is good. Real good. If freezing moments were possible…I would have filled my whole space with them. A little understanding and trust is all you need. Make your heart realize the value of your brain and vise-versa. They are big time enemies..let me tell you. Two different poles..never ever agreeing on single thing. It’s pathetic when you have so much to write and couldn’t find the right words. Or maybe you are way too excited or conscious on what exactly to write. Did you get what I mean? I doubt!

It’s hard to decide what’s right and what’s wrong. The desires within could not be repressed. But …this but remains…always! Making simple things complicated. Sometimes being sure of what you feel is a blessing in disguise. Knowing what you exactly want…the type of people you like…the type of jerks you despised. It’s all so clear inside the mind. And heart? Heart knows no reason….it loves….love without condition…without barriers….without obstacles. …even after knowing the reality….even after knowing the vast gap between desires and reality. The difference between lust and love.

कितना खुद को पहचान पाए?

क्या सीखे क्या जान पाए,
कितना खुद को पहचान पाए,
अब जो बैठे हैं खुद के साथ
तो लगा कितना कुछ छूट गया हर रुत के साथ|
क्या ये दौड़ भाग कभी कम होगी?
एक दूसरे से आगे निकल जीतने की चाह कब ख़त्म होगी?
हर एक पल यहाँ एक क़र्ज़ सा लगता है,
भीड़ में खो जाना ही अच्छा सा लगता है|
हर रिश्ते की यहाँ कीमत लगायी जाती है
मिलने और बिछड़ने की शर्तें लगायी जाती हैं
जो हस दे दिल एक बार वो बातें अब कहाँ हैं
खुद से मिलने का लोगों पे समय ही कहाँ है,
खुद से मिलने का लोगों पे समय ही कहाँ है...

Best Friends? :-)

Me: You know what…you don’t talk to me. I am not talking to you. It would be better if we don’t talk to each other. My time in your life is complete. Search for some other friend.
He: Listen…..Kam bol!



Me: You jerk…you never reply of my messages. I will never ever message you.
He: When did I not reply?
Me: Today, yesterday, day before yesterday…you just get lost.
He: Toh…I closed all matters of day before yesterday na? For today…umm….gemme sometime to think what excuse should I make :-P



He: Tell na what’s the matter?
Me: Nothing na!
He: Come on …out with it now!
Me: I told you the thing.
He: No…I am talking about the thing that’s bothering you!
Me: That’s the only thing I had to say. Nothing else.
He: You won’t tell na?
Me: I know na there is nothing else I could say,
He: Listen…you know yourself better than me?
Me: *all smiles*



Me: Why you always make me angry? What pleasure do you seek in boiling my blood?
He: I can do anything I want. I have every right to.
Me: Yes..you have every right…you can do everything you want. I can’t do anything. Everything is yours.
He: Yes….aren’t you mine too?



He: Why do people go away whom I love so much?
Me: Don’t you love me? Am I not with you?



Me: You better start studying or else I’ll snatch the 2-3 girlfriends you are left with.
He: I don’t have any girlfriend ok!
*After sometime*
He: Listen….don’t do that ok….what will I do without them?



He: I am chatting with S.
Me: Ok!
He: What happen?
Me: Nothing!
He: Feeling low?
Me: Nah!
He: Ok…Then can I flirt with S?



Me: You know what you can’t always make me smile when I am angry!
He: I can!
Me: No you can’t. I am very very angry with you right now. And don’t you dare change the topic and divert my mind. I know you always do that and the moment I smile you know it’s all ok. This is heights of carelessness. How could you forget to tell me such an important thing? Or you do that intentionally? Oh yes…you don’t feel any need to share things with me now.
He: You know what…I bought an airtel sim for just Rs.12 today…can you believe?
And all I could do is to smile on his naïve behavior. And there he knows everything is under control.

another untitled!

It’s not easy..to fight with yourself every day. To avoid you feelings and feign to feel something else. It’s not easy to make others happy….but making yourself happy is tougher. Are we all so good at suppressing our true feelings and show a different persona of ours? Or it’s that we don’t know what we actually want. And what if when things become clear? What when you exactly know what your heart craves for and you couldn’t do anything about it but just to console him every now and then. Aren’t ignorant people more satisfy and contented with their lives? Maybe. Maybe not.

This place and my few old friends !

I would be lying if I say that I do not like this place. Keeping aside some of my health problems including this damn fracture; the place is not that bad. Living on my own is a thing I always wanted….though I wanted to go some far and serene place but not all your wishes are granted. Everything in this world teaches you something…so I am learning lot many new things everyday here. Not only about the world around but about myself too…Diving new dimensions to few old relations and getting closer with few new relations. Meeting new people and getting attached with them is not in my wishlist right now. I am exploring much more here. Few realizations, few deep down wishes which I wasn’t aware of, people who matter, nexus with few, my aspirations….lot many things.

This place is calm…too calm. I once was talking to my friend and said it would be better if I could stay in Delhi rather than Noida. And she said wait for few days and you’d say I love being here. Right she was. Few moments here are just magical. The sky, the nights, flawless moon, and my terrace (the most beautiful part of the place I live). I never enjoyed gazing at the stars so much; never appreciated the beauty of clear sky as I do here. I love walking and travelling alone here. I love watching the city at night via metro. It looks magical. This place.
Maybe for a very short span but I meet myself here. The real me. I laugh and smile for no reason. I miss few people terribly and realize they are more close to me now. I realized how much I love them and how much they love me. How we both are an inseparable part of each other’s life now. Despite trying hard and harder to go away from them, I only feel close and closer to them. No wonder, you understand the value of few relations after going far from them.

Love has taken a backseat in my life now. I don’t care much for the past ghosts now. They do not appear anymore in my dreams. And now even if they come back…I know how to fight and through them out. Yayyy!!

And I realized the value of my hometown. I remember talking to a friend once, who has been living in Noida for some three years and is now in Mumbai ,that I simply hate being here at my hometown. He laughed and said you’ll understand the charm of your hometown once you’ll go away from here. And guess that…he was right too. I miss my place like anything. No I don’t miss my parents, siblings, relatives and all only…but I miss my place.



It’s just the beginning. I wish and hope the coming years here makes me learn good new things and my relations with those few people remains as strong as they are now!

Do you know who are you?

Why is it always so tough to write about ourselves when it is so easy to talk about others? Making perceptions and being judgmental is so easy for all of us. We can spend hours gossiping and talking about others. And the moment someone asks us to talk about ourselves, we get blank and confused as to what exactly we are!

The same thing happened in my psychology assignment. As per which we were ask to write about ourselves, what other think of us, what we are to the world and what we are for real. I was amazed and surprised to see the reaction of the people. Nobody was ready to and comfortable doing the assignment.

Since then I have been thinking why people are so confused and get bewildered when it comes to knowing oneself? Why we run from it? What we are scared of? Do we really don’t know our real self or is it that we want to close our eyes from the reality? Why we are so adamant when it comes to accepting our own faults and very comfortable blabbering fault of other? Why we are so multi personified selfish beings?

I sometimes wonder will I be able to meet any person in my life who is not fake. I mean we all are at some point of time, but too much of persona is devastating.

We should know about ourselves first before uttering words for others. And the more you know about yourself, the more you’ll think before talking about others!

Roomies :-)

And my second roomie too got committed today. I am happy for her. Not because she got committed but coz she’s happy. Happy coz she has found someone with whom she feels special…for whom she can smile from heart…with whom the world looks beautiful. Sigh….these initial stages are the most beautiful part of a love-relation…and probably the only part lovers miss at the later stages. I wish she never miss the charm and magic of these days…and this special factor remains ever in her relationship.

And oh yess…..we celebrated….dinner, dance and then some ‘high’ time. And we laughed….I laughed…laughed so hard that tears rolled out from my eyes..phewhhh….I don’t remember when was the last time I laughed so hard. In all it was a good-good day. Now both my roomies are in relationships. And I am happy for both of them. We differ in ages…ideologies…but we complete one another. We laugh like insane….eat anything and everything….talk on any damn silly topic….shout, tease, cry…but we always support one another!

This post is for you ‘Rajnigandha’ 
God bless you both!

For you....For 'US'!!

This is not love. But some feeling more pious yet so frustrating. Knowing that the stage is over. Knowing that things have changed.More than friendship yet less than love.

Relations have taken a backseat in my life…still there is one thing I am scared of…losing you at this stage is unaffordable. You know it..don’t you? Things for me are always at their extremes. Either I love someone like insane or that person doesn’t exist for me. There is no going in between for me.

Today I have reached a stage where no one can hurt me…coz for that, a person needs to get close to me…he needs to cross the boundary that I have created around me…a boundary where no one is allowed to enter…neither new nor any old monk. But there is he and he who remain inside. In all these four years of friendship, facing so many ups and downs, between all fight and tears…I was always sure of one thing..that things will get fine! I always knew they will. Then why today I am not sure of it? Why today the feeling of you being always there has vanished? What has happened that has changed so much between us? We still have the same bonding…same level of care and concern for each other…same ‘best buddy’ feeling…then??? Maybe the level of possessiveness I have for you is the problem. Maybe the extreme level of expectation from you and only you is the culprit. But what can I do? You’re the only thing I own today….how can I let you slip through my fingers? How can I share you?

I know this is insanity…I know this would do nothing but add complications….and hence the distances I am trying to create…for you…for me….for our friendship! I don’t want to be a known stranger again! I don’t want to end where I can put a pause and start again. I am giving myself sometime to ponder and to come out from my obsession. I need time but I still expect you to be by my side….I hope you will!

Redefining relations!

I wonder if is it too easy to let go? Why people always say to let go of things and move on? Am I too weak or are they too strong to let go of things so easily?

I want to let go of few relations from my life. It is said that everything in this world has a life of its own..and nothing is for eternity. True they are! A point come in every relation when you feel the magic is lost and you have nothing left to say or share. A saturation point has reached where there is no space to add any new thing in it. I am not sure but think that at this point you should let go of that thing to save it from being worst. I am not brave enough and pretty scared to take this decision…coz those few relations are like my lifelines…but….but this but remains!!

I usually know the reasons and things which disturb me…but this time the situation is different. Even after asking millionth time to my conscious and subconscious mind that what it that’s disturbing me from the core…but I am not getting any answer! Why suddenly I am feeling this need to get secluded from attachment, emotions, few left over relations. Why this need of being isolated has emerged from somewhere. And oh…this urge is pretty strong!

I feel that no one matters for any one here…that everyone is playing a game and that even relations are nothing but a mutual beneficial contract between people. I want to be wrong here but this is what I feel…and I can’t change the feeling. The few drops of love that was left , for few left over people in my life, has dried up. I wish I could make it flow again inside me..but I know that the stage has passed and I have come a long way to make things fine.

I don’t know for how long I’ll be able to carry these relationships…for how long I can keep myself convinced that there are people who care…who love….for how long I’ll be able to pretend that everything is fine!

I wish I can! Wish I could!

Nothing Lasts!

Every good thing comes to an end. And with my life…good things hardly come…and even when they do…they stay for such a brief time that by the time I realize they are there, I find them gone! Relations, happiness, smile, love…almost everything! I always said that I may not be lucky in love relations but god blessed me with some beautiful friends. I always said I am blessed to have atleast one such person in my life whom I know will remain with me forever. But, my life is not that kind to me. How can anything be forever when I know nothing lasts ever?

Yes, I am hurt today! Hurt coz my heart wept in a way it never wept before…coz I cried like I never cried before…coz the last drop of love I have for that special person is lost….coz I have almost lost the last relation I have in my life…coz I know there is nothing left to feel happy of…coz I know I have nothing left inside me now…coz I am alone and not isolated…coz the differences has start talking….coz my eyes are tired of waiting…coz I miss old times…coz I miss to love and being loved…coz I miss my giggles and laughs….coz I miss those 2 am phone calls and endless, senseless talks with you….coz I miss your care and concern…your teasing, your ways of making me smile. Coz I hate these differences between us….coz I miss “US” and being your ‘bestest’ buddy…coz I know those moments would never come again…coz I miss your presence in this strange city…coz there is no one who says “I am there”…coz I know things will never be same between us now…coz everything seems so fake around…coz you made me realize the last thing I wanted from you “Nothing lasts”

Just for three days!

Why sometimes we have to pretend that we are living..when in reality we are just breathing! Can’t we live just three days in a way we want to! Yes, I want to live only for three days. And when I say LIVE I mean not only to breathe but to live without feign happiness. I don’t remember when was the last time I laughed my heart out…last time I felt really good about myself…last time I felt love beneath my heart for someone…even for myself…last time I cried like a baby. Today tears just roll down and heart doesn’t care to ask the reason…today I just smile when lips are unaware of happiness. Love, affection, care are just words with no meaning. I thought new place would change this attitude of mine…but I was wrong. This is the way I have become and this is the way I always will be! People….they are just faces for me now…with names but no meaning in my life.

Do I want to be like this? No! I sometimes hate this cage of isolation and curse myself for doing this…for creating this strong circle around myself where no one is allowed to enter! I want to feel the freshness of rain on my face….the cool breeze of air…calmness of moon…beauty of flowers…just for three days…I want to live without regrets…without fear of losing anyone…without ifs and buts...without thinking about anyone but myself!

Am I asking too much? Just three days of living!

Ok…I have been awarded. Though I have been awarded before also, but this is the first time the award has come from a fellow blogger Soumya. Now, I could not start my post without mentioning something about her. I came to know her through this vast world of blogging…added each other in FB profiles. We haven’t talked or chat ever but there is a strange connection we both follow. As she said she connects with my posts…I would utter the exact words. Whenever she writes…no matter I comment or not…I make sure to read all her posts. She is one of those few people I know who can write exactly what they feel….giving a damn to what the world would think about her. And yes…how can I forget the song selections…Man! Let me tell you…we both have exact same taste in music!

Coming back to the things I am suppose to do:
1. Write a post displaying the award.
2. Write three good things about blogging.
3. Write three bad things about blogging.
4. Pass on this award to three new bloggers.

First thing has already been done!

Second, three good things about blogging:
1. Blogging has become my own little world now. This place is my best friend today. I can vent anything and everything out here. It never questions back. This place is my stress buster today.
2. I came to know some really wonderful people here. I came to know I am not the only one thinking the way I do. ..there are lot many people with whom I can relate so well that it seems like they are writing my words!
3. I feel so contented being here. It makes me feel refreshed and relaxed!

Third, Three bad things:
1. Anyone and everyone can read your life!
2. People start making perceptions about you without even knowing you. They don’t understand that what you write here is just a part of your life and not your complete life.
3.It makes me realize that how stupid can I go sometimes. Though I hardly re-read my posts , but whenever I do..I feel like..”Shit! I wrote that?? “

And now, last but not the least, passing on this award to three fellow bloggers:
Though I love each and every blog I follow….three is just a constraint:

1. Wildflower, Eva…the blogger I love totally. Her posts take me to another world. She is not only a fantastic writer but an awesome storyteller. I don’t know whether she’ll revert or not as she hardly writes these days…but she tops the list of my favourite blogger.
2. OutOfBlue, owns by Ashish. He is a blogger who writes without shackles. He not only writes about life or love…but on social topics too. A recent blogger but a prolific writer!
3. Transcripts. The first ever blogger I interact with and the first ever blog I read and became a follower of. His writing is real, crazy and true. He doesn’t crave for attention and ask for followers or comments. An awesome writer and an amazing photographer!

Phewhh…..Finally done with the task. Writing this between such a hectic schedule was quite a job…but couldn’t stop myself. Now the tagged bloggers are suppose to do this the same four things I just completed!

And yeah…this blog recently won one more award “Directory of best Indian blogs”

Talking Psychology!

I always wanted to learn psychology. But being a commerce student never got a chance to learn the same. After coming here I came to know we have psychology as a subject. Not to mention, I was happy and excited to finally know something about the subject I always wanted to learn. It’s not that I want to be a psychologist or something…but this term psychology always excites me in a strange way. I was expecting some aged lady to teach us this subject….but to my surprise when I entered the class I saw a young girl…somewhat around 24-25 years of age, standing at the podium. Not believing my eyes I still confirmed from other people …and yes, she was to teach us this subject.

She started off with her introduction and then the class started. She raised some very bold topics in the class , but her confidence and the way she took those topics up….she amazed me by her ability to discuss most complicated or what we say the “BOLD” topics so easily.

But something very strange happened…few things which she said…few questions she asked…few topics she raised….really disturbed me from the core. Talking about dreams…the id, ego and superego….the inner guilt, Oedipus and Electra complex, split personality…all little things which happen inside us all the time…without even our consciousness.

Are we human being really this complex? Can our inner desires be really so weird and bizarre? Do our thought process; the way we are today is because of the things we saw in the first five years of our life? Can those five years really make such a strong impact on our lives?

I don’t know about others, but her lectures are effecting me in a strange of way! Maybe I’ll be able to know myself better after this! Or maybe I'll be lost in her theories of psychology!

Welcome Me- Oh new place!

More than half month…and I haven’t written a single line…a single word. Time..when I thought I would be writing pages after pages…not a single word came out…I won’t say I was out of words…It’s just that so many things are happening around that I could not find a single second to stop, breathe and think what am I upto? Where am I heading towards? I left my city…my friends…my little world…came into a totally unknown city..with little expectations and lots of small little dreams in my eyes.

But sometimes you have to pay for your dreams…days here are not easy…Things sometimes get pathetically ugly….but this is what I chose…And here I am…away from family, friends…walking on a path unknown…so many things on stake..still a little hope deep within heart that things will get fine. Yes..I do feel alone sometime…alone cause I want to share things with someone. I remember when I was about to leave Agra, someone said ‘Go and make new friends’…and I replied ‘I am not going there to make friends’. Yes, I am not here to make friends..and I know I just can’t. But I am definitely looking forward to meet some wonderful people here…to learn new things…to explore more in this world…to get out of my cocoon and face the Real world.

I hope things settle down soon and this place accepts me with open arms.

Making memories!

“Day by day nothing changes…but when we look back..everything is different” said my friend once. And today I realize how true it is! The days I live…I don’t see anything different, any changes around. But when I look back..I realize how things have gone upside down. I have come such a long long way . Today when I look back I see people I met and lost..people who were just a stranger once and now have become an inseparable part of my life.…and how people once so close are just a known stranger. How my perception on relationships has changed completely…how the word acquaintance separated from friendship.

And when today I read my old posts…I got sure of one thing…things certainly has changed…not only around me..but within me too. I won’t say I have started thinking about life or the coming future more seriously…but certainly I have come to know lot many things about people and this world around. I don’t know whether these changes come for good in our life or not ..but they really change the way you live your life.




I don’t know why I am looking back at this time. Maybe because soon there will be no looking back. I save memories here by writing these words. People can leave you..things could be lost…your memory can become weak …but words…they remain with you…all your life.

One of those strange feeling when you know everything is going right..still something is missing! A weird haste...suffocation...not being able to feel happy for the good things around. Feeling of restlessness for no certain reason...or is it that the heart knows the real reason? Feels like closing my eyes and feel tranquility for a moment.

Moments!

Isn’t it amazing how every single day…every passing moment is so different from the previous one…and one moment gone would never come back again. That smile on your face, glimpse of that special someone..that one word which stopped your heart for a second…that touch …feel of first kiss…the person you met while travelling…that kid who smiled at you while you coming back from work…those uncontrollable laughs with your best pal…these small moments would never ever come back to you.

Life is a sum of all those little happy-sad moments. We tend to love some of them and hate the rest…but we can’t avoid them….these are our lives…these small moments of love, laugh, tears. I have met people who say they live like king size and some says they like life simple…one moment at a time. For some life is about parties, loud music, discotheques ….some live their life in a 9-5 job….some say that they live a combination of both…while for some life is all about to bring a smile on someone’s face…but aren’t we all living moments and not a life in whole? Aren’t we all same somewhere? And how our life is, depends upon the moments we lived.

Yeah….I am trying to live in moments and not in life. Life sounds too gloomy and heavy….moments brings bliss and a smile on my face.
And here I am ..standing on the edge of life…about to open a new chapter…trying to change the way I take life…turning life into moments…with a song on my lips:
“Aankhoin me jiske, koi to khwaab hai
Khush hai wahi jo, thoa betaab hai
Zindagi me koi aarzu kijiye, Phir dekhiye”

Untitled?? It doesn't need a title!

And yesterday one of my friend asked why I don’t write anything these days…and I realized it’s been quite a while since I wrote anything. I thought and realized I am loosing this zeal to make memories and save things for future. The reason for me writing this blog is not only to satiate my lust to write but also to make memories…with the things I cried for..things that made me laugh, people I met, those heartbreaks, my anger ..love..my tears. But today, when I could write so much…when so so much is happening in my life I ..in a strange way…am not feeling this need to write or to vent things out.

Few things with which I feel connected…books, music…I pass my days without reading a single page or listening a single song. The book I started some five days back….is still lying on my table with a bookmark on page number 123….and it’s been four days since its been there…on page number 123. And I am suffering from a new disease of forgetting things. I message people and later realize that I have sent a wrong message to the right person. I forget for what purpose I have turned on my laptop. I forget with whom I have to talk about what topic.

There was a time when I used to say that new place would change everything in my life…that it would erase all the bad memories and I would make new memories for myself…and now..when the time has come for me to go to that new place…I feel nothing is going to change. I have always been a victim of mood swings and now when everything is almost finalized…I don’t want to leave this place and move into a new city. This is so irritating…this behavior of mine. I get bore with everything...with messages, chats, phone calls, songs, places, TV channels and now even with these social networking sites. I hung the call in between while talking with someone coz suddenly I start feeling bored of it. I sign out from chat while chatting with all my close friends.

In all these months I never felt this urge to talk with someone….and today a moment came when I felt terribly upset for no certain reason and I wanted to talk with someone…just normal talk… nothing specific….and just when my best friend called I was totally lost and could not utter a single word to him. With him I don’t have to think before speaking…and I was blank and could not say a word.

I don’t know if this is mere stress or I am turning to be of this kind. It the latter becomes true…I am going to hate myself more ….I , anyways, never loved myself!


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Another night...Mundane thoughts!

Why do things keep coming back? Can we really lose someone when we don't own anyone! Aren't we responsible for our deeds? Can we blame someone for the things happened with us? I don’t know the answer….how can I? When both my heart and mind utter two different words….’Yes’ and ‘No’. My mind says I am responsible for whatever and wherever I am today. Things I lost and people I miss today…it’s because of my actions and my deeds. But my heart says No…I never wanted to be apart from the people I loved and still love. No matter how much I feign to do not care or ‘it-doesn’t matter’ attitude…I cry and die each day. The only difference is, today, I have become too used with the situation that it feels like a habit to cut myself and then see my own blood drops satiating my soul. I have convinced myself to lot an extent that this is what life has planned for me…that those someone’s were not meant to be a part of my life…that I wish them happiness wherever they are! But still a small portion of my heart denies this statement…still it shouts and says that they are mine….still mine. Sometimes I curse myself and sometimes them for bringing me into a situation where my heart is filled with pain, love, hatred and joy at the same time. It’s like feeling the heat of sun and mildness of moon at the same time.

This smile with drop of tears is really frustrating!

A Change...for a Change ;-)

I wonder how my life would be if I had taken some other decisions for my life? The people I met here..things I learned..would it all be different? This feeling of love , care, affection..would it all be for someone else? Would my life be better or worse?

Many times we think of going back and change few decisions of our life..like few friends..career choice..Choosing the right college…loving someone else. But what thing make us sure that those decisions which we could have taken would prove to be right? They could have been even more disastrous!

The very idea of not having my dearest pal with me or to have someone else at his place, makes me goes nuts sometimes. Things I learned in this life till date..no matter how brutally life has treated me…it has given me some beautiful moments to cherish all my life. For people..as they say..nothing lasts..and hence no one can stay with you all life. But, what linger on are the memories you spent with them. ..both good and bad. We need them both… good and bad memories. It’s not bad to cry. Tears sometimes satiate the soul and make it feel alive. You hate some moments of your life…love some immensely…but now when you think about them…don’t you think life would have been incomplete without them!

I know I am not talking complete sense here but is it necessary to talk sense everytime? Is it always necessary to think how and in what way our life is going? I have stop thinking about it…for how long I would be able… I have no idea…but these days I am just not thinking about anything. And I don’t have to put any effort for that. ..this is the way things are working for me on their own. I don’t know if I call it numbness but yes I have recovered the trauma of past to an extent that today I almost don’t feel anything about it. I am fine with it! Not sad atleast! This change is good for a change!

She- A woman!

She is just a girl…a girl in her youth…an age when all a person want is to love and be loved. And what is she doing? Crying. Why? She had a fight…a fight with the people she loves the most. A fight she is fighting for them. When will they understand that she too has a heart. She too gets hurt. She is just not a machine to fulfill all their necessities but a human being. Is it her mistake if she can’t express her love and care she has for them? Is it her fault if she not complains for things she don’t has! Why does she always have to fight for the things which are not hers’? For the things she wants to do for them.

Look at her for once. Behind those cold eyes are the dreams she once saw. Dreams to fly…to love and be loved..to be with her dream man. She believed in fairy tales…in Cinderella…in the existence of mermaids. They say dreams never come true. That life is cruel. That it snatches things away. What things, they never tell. What cruelty, they never mention.

But today…today is a reality and not mere fantasy or dream. Today she knows what cruelty they talked about…what things they never mentioned. She doesn’t want to fight anymore. Not for them…not even for herself. She just wants to go someplace far from here…to fulfill all her dreams….to live the way she wanted…to lose herself in some unknown place. For once she wants to cross all forbidden boundaries. She knows the secret of her body. The beauty she hides from the world. Her Love. Her Madness. Her hope. She wants to break all the shackles and fly free…with no boundaries, no one to answer her deeds. For once she wants to forget all she knows and wants to know the unknown. For once she wants to be a woman she always wanted to.




And for once she wants to sing out loud:

There’s no time to lose
I heard her say
Cash your dreams
Before they slip away
Dying all the time
Lose your dreams and you
Will lose your mind




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Déjà vu

I see glimpse of my past flashing in front of my eyes every minute of each passing day. I see my yesterday dreams running inside my mind. Dreams I forgot years back. Things I lost. People I missed. All of them. It feels like suddenly all those things want to come back to me.

About Dreams
Those dreams where I see trees…huge trees…lush green…flowers all around and within seconds it turns to be nothing but a barren land. And I stood there…saying nothing..with cold eyes and no movement at all. I have seen that place somewhere in real. Where? I don’t remember. I had this dream when I was a kid. About seven-eight years old. And now..suddenly my mind went back and I saw those trees…that barren land with open eyes.

I am a victim of bad dreams. People dream of good things…I dream of things that make no sense in this life. I see women…dressed in blood red ghagras, black chunris and bangles. I can’t see their faces…not once. Only thing I could see apart from them are their homes….weird they look to me…broken, half cemented, grey bricks…so many houses in a row…and a well….dry..old.

I often had dreams of someone taking me to a place where there are walls…all white….no house…no doors but walls….huge…big..Shinning white like diamonds! I never have seen the face of that “someone” but I always felt that he/she is someone I know.
And from the past few months I dream of him. He..taking me to places..talking something I couldn’t understand. His face..I couldn’t see his face sometime…but I know it is him. I couldn’t hear his voice but could sense him around. He always takes me to this place which looks very familiar yet I could not recall where and what it is.

These days…I see five to six dreams in one night…and rarely do I remember what I have seen after I woke up. But about all those above stated dreams and many more…I don’t know why suddenly I remember them all and for what reason they are again a part of my thoughts after years!


About People

We meet hundreds and thousands of people in our life. Remember some…forget others. As we move forward we forget more than half of ‘remembered’ people as we are too busy making new friends..meeting new people..going to new places. Very few people, we actually are able to take along. It happens with everyone and so I am no exception here. But, today…when I stopped for sometime…I get blurred memories of these people whom I left far behind. I feel as if those people are still with me. As if they still are talking with me…sharing laughs…fights…secrets…giggles. My junior classes school friends…few neighbors…people I met during my summer vacations at my grandparents place. People met during journeys…bus stands…streets…shops...stations. I always love sitting at stations. I always reach stations before time..and I have met some wonderful people sitting with me waiting for their trains.

Yes, they all are coming back to me…all of a sudden. People call it Déjà vu.

I hate it what you have done to me!

Because of you not even he listens to me now. Whenever I talk about you he changes the topic. I feel frustrated. Rarely do I talk about you these days…and whenever I do it’s only him with whom I talk. We have our own problems…but still I talk about you..for no good reason. He doesn’t listen to me when I talk about you. He says he don’t want to see me sad and crying again..he doesn’t want to see me in same agony and pain. I know he is right. I know you are a history now..a history which would never repeat itself. You are a dream which would never get fulfill….a never satiating thirst. I don’t want you back…but I need my life back. I need my giggles back. I need my dreams back. He says he don’t talk about you coz that would make me feel low…that he can’t see me crying..that he can’t see me playing with my life like this. I shout at him…I fight with him because of this. But..later I realize he is doing that for me. He is the only person who cares for me today genuinely. No matter how rude he behaves sometime…I know he is doing this to save me from the pain.

I hate it what you have done to me. I feel guilty and angry sometimes for the things I shared with you…for the time I spent with you…for the nights I thought about you..for the days I dreamt of you having with me…for all your broken promises…for all your fake words. ..for the mockery of my feelings. I am not trying not to think about you..no! I don’t think about you all day now…but still I can’t avoid few moments of urge and insanity to talk to you. You today are like a distant memory yet fresh. I sometimes feel that nothing happened ever amidst us…that still you’ll call me someday and make me laugh with your baby tone talks. I hate myself for I loved you once so madly and I still do…I feel angry for I believed you words…I feel stupid for I still believe you did a favour to me by doing all this. This feeling is all mixed up. I feel so helpless when I hate and love you both at the same time. He says you don’t care a bit for what I have gone through and still going through…he says I mean nothing to you. I don’t want to believe him…but my mind says he us right. I don’t know if he say all this for make me hate you. Maybe!

Today’s night I am not going to sleep. I can’t! Today is one of those nights when mind and heart seems to swap places...when reality moves in...when things fade..when you struck between yesterday and tomorrow...when you think everything is going fine and a disaster takes place. And that disaster is your memories! I wish I could drink today…the only escape from pain and your memories for a night!

A difference between yesterday and today!

I am afraid. Afraid of the uncertainties ..of the future…of present…of my relationships with few left over friends. I am afraid of these changes…not the changes around but the changes within. I hardly care for anyone these days..I never cared for myself but was always anxious about the people I loved. Today, It’s all a different story. I’ll be leaving this place soon…maybe forever…my friends, parents..everyone. The place where I lived for 22 years…but not an inch of grief or nostalgia exists within me. I’ll be leaving my friends who once were the inseparable part of my soul….the people I met here..life long memories…love…fun. I am emotional…highly emotional when it comes to dear ones. Then why I am not feeling bad for leaving them…this place…these memories? I really am afraid of these changes within me. I don’t want to be a cold fish. ..coz this is just not me! I am facing problems…hell of problems. Family conditions, personal problems, career uncertainties…but my reactions are weird. So weird that sometimes I actually think is it me???

Love…it has taken a backseat in my life…the last one infact! Today, when I see people talking about love, commitments, life-log relations…I laugh at them. I don’t cry for him now…and I wish this stays for long…or forever. I really don’t want to waste a single tear for him…it’s not worth it! Infact, I don’t want to cry for anyone today. I already have wasted tons of tears for so many people in my life. I wonder if I could use those buckets of water for our planet earth in someway… :-P . No seriously…atleast wo worth to hota!

Talking with people is a bygone story. That has stopped long ago. Next victim was my mobile which kept on ringing for hours but no one was interested to attend it. This continues even today. And now..its my FB and gmail chat. 70% of the people are blocked in my list…including some near ones. And for rest 30%....ahemmm. See sometimes I don’t receive your messages and for rest I am not in a mood to talk. Yes, I have become hell of a moody person.

People may say that I am behaving rude…arrogant..and whatever they want..It doesn’t matter to me now. Not that I don’t have feelings left or that I don’t love my friends anymore…but sometimes you need to Re-set your priorities..for good. I would never talk to you in bad tone(till the time you are good to me)…I won’t scream at you(provided you are not doing the same)…but yes…I hate HATE people who throw unnecessary tantrums or show useless attitude. ..so for them…no commitment of my sweetness. I am sweet…very sweet with the people who are real.

But sometimes I miss the old ultra-sweet, caring Mansi. I loved her…I still love her. She has lost somewhere amidst this fake world…between these fake promises…broken dreams. She is too vulnerable to accept these realities of life. Maybe.. I’ll find her again…sometime…someday!

If only...

If only I were more beautiful
I could have made relations stayed in my life
If only I would have known
That Love is not just an inner feeling
If only I would have smiled fake
I could make people attached with me
If only I knew
That care and affection is a passé in today’s world
If only you would ever know
How it feels to feel neglected
If only we could stand by our relations
Things would have been different
If only I could tell you
Love is all I have to give and nothing else

(P.S I wrote this poem some 1.5-2 years back...found it today by-chance..and hence, here it is!)

Pause

The only thing about today and yesterday is that nothing has changed. From the last few days I feel like life has come to a pause. Everything around is still. Not a single movement...movement of emotions, of people, of things…nothing. The door that I closed few days back is still closed. Nobody came in and no one went out. No, there is no peace around..but no mayhem too. I am not happy, neither sad. Numb? Maybe! Life was running too fast that I am actually ok with this stillness for sometime now! I have abandoned few things, few people, and few emotions from my life. …and I am neither feeling bad nor happy for that. I feel that has to happen. Everything has a life of its own…and after that you have to leave that..for good or for bad..you are no one to judge that. Sometime we should not challenge the rule of nature. For now…I am reading a lot…music keep my nights occupied and spending lots of time with myself. I try and keep my mobile away from me these days. It’s very distracting. No calls..no messages. I don’t call any friend to accompany me for a coffee or shopping..I do it alone. I roam..I shop..I watch movies..and I do all this alone. Well, not alone actually..I have me with myself all the time. And it’s kind of very satiating. I find it hard to cry these days…no anger even! That’s good for a change. I realize the lesser I interact with people, the more contented I feel. And even when I feel this need to talk..I talk with strangers or to the people who know very little about me. I am also planning to move out of this city very soon. I want to start again from point zero and want to go in a place where people don’t know anything about me except for my name. And rest they’ll know what I want them to know! Plans they are…hoping to implement them soon!

Innocence of your face. Naughtiness in your eyes. Unsaid words on your lips.

              Intensity of your voice. Potency of your words.

                   Your fragrance. Your mysterious aura.

                 Oh…I am falling for you! I am falling for you!

People I meet- II

I have this habit of making perceptions about people I meet. I sometimes make perceptions without even talking to that person. Seldom has my judgment proofed to be wrong. I am not bad at judging people if I am not too good either. Many people say that it’s not a good habit…to judge people. But this is something which comes naturally. I don’t have to put any effort for that…and I don’t see any problem also.

But when my perception about a person change…it makes me think..think too much that I realize I was taking this person just opposite of what he/she actually is. It’s always like this…either 100% correct or 100% wrong..no going in between.

Yesterday I was talking with this guy whom I met few months back. His first impression on me was not good. I took him as a very arrogant and sarcastic person. I never saw him talking with people. The only thing he could talk is sarcasm. I did not like him much as a person but there was something very attractive about his aura. His confidence and the way he speaks. I would say he was the only boy who could speak his mind in the crowd and I always like this attitude…but talking to him was against my ego. Few days later I realized we actually were talking..during GD’s offcourse. From his FB profile I came to know that he is a Mass Comm student and is into a relationship. Frankly speaking that took me by surprise coz to be into a relationship for a person like him is quite strange. Perceptions I know!

Later we shared few talks and I realized there exist a different person beneath this arrogant and sarcastic person. After that whenever I talked with him, my realization became more and more strong. And last night we talked for quite sometime. I told him about what I thought of him during our first meet. I was right. He is actually two person caged in one body. I knew that already. And when asked about me..he said almost the right things about me. He is quite an observer. Yes..I am arrogant..not much now though..I used to be once..but those little shades of arrogance still exists. I don’t like being defeated and I talk my mind. I sometimes like proving other wrong with my arguments. Yes, I am in little pain too. And above all I am a woman. Woman who likes to dominate…who don’t seeks permission of others to speak or do things. Yes, he was right. Somehow, I felt I have lost these things somewhere…but listening these traits after long made me feel good in a strange way. I realized there still exist that spark in me…it’s just that it has become dim…and I will make it shine again.

Do you believe in Omens??

Do you believe in omens? Have you ever felt that there is something this superpower wants you to do? Some signs? I won’t say I believe in them but yes I could feel its presence around. The people I met, the books I read, the things I saw and talked about in the last few days gave a hint of something I always wanted to do. This is not the first time I felt this thing…these signs were always there..around me. Sometimes I chose them and sometimes did otherwise. But this time, these signs are very strong…so strong that no matter how much I avoid them, they are always here, coming in my way all the time. It’s not that I don’t want to follow them..it’s just that this path is not certain and I am scared to follow it. I am scared of what will happen tomorrow…will I be able to stand by my decision? Will the decision would proof to be right? Will I be able to actually do what I want to and will this path lead me to my ultimate destination? I know it’s a decision hard to make..I know every decision has its P’s and Q’s…it has the risk factor involved with it..but the risk here is too high to gamble. I am not sure which way I am going to choose..what decision I am going to make..coz this one decision is going to decide a lot in my life. ..and this time I want to make it my way!

Shocks and Surprises!

It’s been quite a while since I wrote something. This wasn’t a writer’s block but life was sort of hectic and busy for a change. Lot of unexpected things happened. Few surprises followed by few shocks. Life always compensate with what it gives from what it takes.

Starting with the surprises..I got a chance to have a little but quality talk with the person I am an admirer of..Neelesh Misra. One of the best storyteller and a person who always follow his heart. There is some strange way in which you connect with the people around. I say it often that this world and I are not going well together. We still don’t. But I feel myself connected with two-three strangers around. I have never met them…never had a real talk with ..besides knowing their name and few basic things I know almost nothing about them..still I feel connected with them.

Coming to the second surprise..I met few old friends few days back. I was shocked to feel that I don’t feel that same excitement and happiness meeting them after such a long time. These people were once my best of friends. I realized not only things but I too have changed. To what extent I still don’t know!

Things are not going on track for quite a sometime now. I have exhausted myself with all the efforts but sometimes you can’t challenge what’s already written. And now, despite all the wrong goings, pathetic downs..I feel a strong faith somewhere deep inside my heart that things will get fine one day.I feel that this is just a bend and not the end. That somewhere something has already been planned for me and that would be the thing I am best at. With few seconds of lost faith I rejuvenate from inside and my heart says things will get fine.

I won’t discuss the shocks here. Those were real bad memories. I wish to have a selective memory delete button. Having good memory is a blessing in disguise!

And not to forget, the last post "Relationships and me " won Blogjunta Editor's award!" It too was a small surprise! :-)